Monday, January 31, 2011

Not good

Today was so bad it was beyond words. Don't want to talk to anyone. Hope everyone stays away from me today. I know that's mean but I've been shaking all day and my jaw is killing me from the tension. Just get through today, just today. In 6 hours time 6 months ago it started. Today and tomorrow will be awful maybe it might get better after that. It has to. I can't go on like this anymore. 


I can't sleep...I barely know what a normal nights sleep is anymore...i've spent the last 6 months all over the place sleeping does not come easy for me. It's no big surprise that I can't sleep tonight, it's nothing new. Tomorrow I'm going to have to drag myself out of bed to go to work. I'm so tired, tired of battling every day, tired of feeling tired. Tired of not being able to sleep. Tired of the nightmares, of feeling alone. Tired tired tired. I wish there was someone to tell me how I was supposed to feel or how long this pain would last for. I'm tired. 

Sunday, January 30, 2011

6 months

Tomorrow is 6 months since it happened. I had awful nightmares last night. I was getting raped over and over again and everybody new because they found out this blog and found out who was writing the blog. I feel really bad today. I feel very panicked and lost. It feels like it was only yesterday. Where has the last 6 months gone. They are such a blur, this is a very long and lonely uphill battle. Nobody can help. 

Friday, January 28, 2011


Today is Friday, it's my best friends birthday, she's been so good to me over the last 6 months. I want her to have a good night. My stomach is in knots though there are people coming to the house we share that I don't know that well, i'm not good with that right now...please let me be ok.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

The first

So i don't know if anyone but me will ever read this but it makes me feel better to send it out there into cyberspace like a modern message in a bottle, get everything that's in my head out.

I'm not going to put my story down right now because I'm just not ready but the title says it all, i was raped. It happened 6 months ago this Monday. In the last 6 months I have gone through hell, I've gone from shock to wanting to die to feeling the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life, i didn't think emotional pain could hurt this bad. I had to give statements to police, get examined, go to counselling, have pictures of my naked body taken. I'm still waiting to find out if he will be prosecuted or not. I'm in limbo. 

One of the hardest things was not knowing what was ahead, whatever feeling you felt you weren't prepared for and everyday was worse than the one before. I mean I was fine before this, I was happy and content, i had a job i loved, a loving family and amazing friends. And in the space of 2 hours my whole world was turned upside down and inside out and i am really struggling to put it the right way around.

I would trawl through the Internet looking at other blogs or rape survivor stories to see if it would help me make sense of how I was feeling but sure nothing can do that. I still can't believe it's happened, I can't believe that I encountered someone who had such little regard for another person, when I looked into his eyes begging him to stop i couldn't see any soul there. Life is very very hard at the moment, there are no words to describe it. I'm broken and I don't know if I can ever be fixed.