It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I've posted anything.  I have a three year old son now who is amazing! The reason I'm posting is that I've always looked at this blog as part of my therapy,  a form of healing.  I have been doing overall ok the last few years.  I suffer from anxiety still but I can manage it well enough. But lately something has changed,  I haven't been able to get a handle on her panic and anxiety.  All of a sudden I'm having away nightmares again and I constantly have that feeling of panic and tension which I haven't felt this strongly in years.  The only thing I figure is that I went back to study and was doing amazing there,  I loved it but due to cutbacks the childcare was closed down suddenly and I can no longer continue my studies.  It was very sudden and really unfair on everyone affected.  Anyway I feel like the rug was pulled from under me and it seems to have kickstarted this reaction from me.  At this stage I think the thing that started it seems to have passed but I'm still hanging on to the feelings and the panic is getting worse.  It's very frustrating,  I can't seem to switch it off!!

3 Years On

Tomorrow is 3 years since it happened.
I have come so far and have my life back, I have a wonderful fiance and the most beautiful baby boy however unfortunately I find that tonight I'm fighting a panic attack. I haven't needed to write in a long time but tonight I can't sleep and writing always helps me get everything out of my head. It reminds me that I'll always be living with this. At least now though I can live with it and I can honestly say I am a stronger person now. I also have an appreciation for what's important and most of all I have this beautiful little boy who I love more than I could ever explain so go away panic attack your not welcome in my head. I an surviving and thriving!

Guess what...I'm Pregnant!

I have the craziest most bizarre story, so in  my last post I wrote about it coming up to 2  years since I was raped. On the day of the 2nd anniversary we found out I'm pregnant!

I was dreading the day and thinking, I just want it to be over, I was expecting a bad nights sleep the whole lot and I was feeling pretty down about it until.....

Myself and himself were talking and I realized I was late, I put it down to the stress of the time of year as I could feel my period coming, I had a test in my room so I said to him will I take one for the laugh, he had never seen one work before so he said yes, both of us completely relaxed as we were 100% sure I wasn't. So off I went and peed on a stick and within seconds it came up positive, I was so shocked I just showed it to him, he thought I was joking! I made him go and buy another 2 tests and I took them and they were positive.

I still couldn't believe it the next morning so I took another 2 and they were positive!! I went to the doctor and she confirmed it.

It is very very early days but I can't believe I got such happy news on the 2nd year anniversary of what was the end of my life as I knew it.

I can't help but feel this is a sign even though I know it's early days, I don't want to get ahead of myself but it just feels so foreign and overwhelming to have nice things happen for a change.

I'm so used to things being horrible that I'm scared something will go wrong. I'm trying to be positive and happy, please god if there is one let this be the blessing I so want it to be.

2 years on

So tomorrow will mark 2 years since it happened. I'm finding today tough, I feel an awful feeling of dread hanging over me. I'm trying to think of the positives like how far I've come, how much better my life is lately but I think I'm also aloud to be a bit sad today. Everyone's comments lately have been so amazing. It lifts my heart.

Happiness is that you?

I have been feeling happy lately, things are going great with my boyfriend. He's an amazing guy, makes me feel so comfortable and is proud of me for what I've overcome. I never thought I would ever feel content or happy again. It's not all the time, I still have ups and downs but the holding on for dear life, working with my therapist, the support from my family and this wonderful network of people I've met online has brought me to a point where I can allow myself to be happy.

I deserve it. I've been true hell and I deserve to feel happy again.

It's nearly two years since it happened, there are no words to describe how unbelievably horrible it has been but finally I'm starting to come out the other side.

I still have more work to do but I'm getting there!

Am I better off alone?

I met a really good guy and we've been dating for a while now. He's really genuine and caring and patient with me. He doesn't know what happened but I'd say I'm going to have to soon. We started sleeping together. It was actually fine. However the closer I feel to him the more freaked out I get. I'm sure that makes sense I suppose. Last night he spent the night and I found myself having awful nightmares, all day I've been feeling really anxious and scared basically.

My chest is really tight and the nightmares I'm having are really vivid. It's probably because I'm sharing a bed with a guy I care about! Life would be alot simpler if I was still alone...hmmm is it worth it? I'm confused, on the one hand I have feelings for him but I'm scared of those feelings. Maybe I'm better off alone...

Turning a Corner

I know when I started looking at others peoples blogs when I was in the height of all the horrible blackness I was desperately searching for something that would say 'it will get easier'. What I wanted to read was that my life would go back to the way it was before but that's not true is it?!

What I will say is that after almost two years of pretty much hell with a lot of support, therapy and holding on I now feel like I've turned a corner, I've started to feel like I'm surviving something rather than a victim of something.

It sounds pretty bleak if I was back at the beginning and read this I'd be thinking, I can't feel like this for another two days let alone two years but if you are reading this and you are thinking that then let me say this, you will be surprised at how strong you can be even though you don't feel like it, when you are healing and trying to take back your life as time goes on you find that you can look back and say - I'm still suffering a lot but I'm better than I was this time last month or last year and that's what keeps you going.

I don't know how I got to this point, most days I didn't want to be alive then slowly that feeling started to fade, hope started creeping back in and it's hard to see that at the time but looking back that's how it happened.

I feel that I have now turned a corner, my therapy sessions have been cut back to once a month and for the first  time recently I accepted that yes I have been raped, I said it out loud, because I was, no matter if the DPP doesn't prosecute, I was. A horrible life shattering criminal act was done to me and it wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it and I have given myself permission to heal, to think of my future, to love myself and care for myself again because that is what I deserve.

So if anyone feeling total despair reads this then let me tell you that it is hard and you shouldn't have to go through this pain but it's happening, reach out and get the help you need if your not already and I promise you will see a day when this aren't as bleak, you can feel happy again because you deserve it.

If anyone reading this has sought help and thick of it then I promise if you see it through and you allow yourself to work on healing then you will see the day when you turn that corner.

That is where I'm at now, things aren't perfect I still have a bit to go, I still have my good and bad days but I know now that things are and will get better for me.

Here's to letting go of the pain and putting the pieces of our lives back together.

Lizzie xx

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've posted. The main reason for it because I just had nothing to say. I haven't wanted to face or deal with anything that has happened. I've also being having a very difficult time at work and it's been quite stressful. Sometimes when things are really bad I can't find the words so I just don't say anything.

I'm on a week off work because of stress. I hate this I have never been that type of person but here I am. I've no idea how I got to this place. I've had a couple of breakthroughs in therapy where I faced some tough feelings. I've always been bad at looking after my emotional self, I've always just buried everything so it's been tough to open up and it's taking a long time. I'm getting a bit better at it though. Sometimes I still think how did this happen to me even though it's been a year and a half. It's seems like such a long time but it's gone by in the blink of an eye. I can't even remember most of it.

At least it's another step if I've started to write something again. I want to be able to let go of this and put it behind me, I don't know if that's even possible but I would just like it to stop hurting so much.

Happy Christmas Rapist

Dear Rapist

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I finished up in work today for the holidays. The only thing is I'm more looking forward to just having a break from struggling every day. A break from getting up for work and putting on a face and just functioning. Because you see, what you did to me means that I can't be like a normal person right now. Just functioning day to day is exhausting because I'm carrying you and what you did around with me every day. I'll go home and I'll joke and laugh and spend time with my family and friends and do all the normal Christmas things but you will always be there through every second of it.

You've no idea how exhausting that is. I can't let go of any of it, I can't let go of the pain, I'm still absorbed by you and what you did. I want to let it go but I can't seem to. You just got away with it. I never got to face you. Your life is fine, going on as normal, do you ever think about what you did? Are you in any way sorry? I'm literally shattered. I want you to hurt like I'm hurting now, like I've been hurting all this time. 

Nobody around me knows how bad things are for me, I'm great at hiding it all away. I can't bare to look at myself through their eyes. It makes it all too real. I just wish I could hide it from myself. 

You won't beat me though, I'll get there eventually. You may have won that night but I won't let you keep winning. I'll get there, I'll find peace. I'll find me again.

Just say it!

It's been a while since I've written anything. I find it hard these days. I don't know why. I'm finding it really hard to accept what happened, after everything I've been through in the last year and a bit I still can't accept what happened. I can't call it what it is, I can't say it at all. The words won't come out of my mouth. Why can't I just say it...'i was raped'..'i was raped'..'i was raped'..no i can't say it, i can barely write it. It still all feels like a movie in my head. My mind can't seem to connect to the fact that this actually happened to  me. It's not a movie, it's not a bad dream it's reality. I find myself keeping away from anything that reminds me of it like twitter and this blog and pandys.org and friends I have met online who have supported me because it reminds me. It makes me face the reality of what happened and I'm afraid to face it. It was so much easier when I blamed myself.

Why can't I just accept that he raped me, that he knew I didn't want it and he did it anyway. Ofcourse he knew it's not like I didn't fight, so it's rape then..just say it..'i was raped'. Nope still can't.

Does it ever get any easier?! I want to lie down and sleep and not wake up. I'm so tired of it all.