Back to reality with a bang :-(

Finally got back from holidays on Wednesday, our flight got cancelled so we had to stay an extra two days. I had a great holiday and it's been hard and depressing coming back to reality. I thought when I came back I'd have something from the DPP about my appeal but there was nothing. I found out today that they might not even respond to me. I was told that my case would be reviewed and if they changed their minds they would let me know but if they didn't then they probably wouldn't respond to my appeal at all. So they could have already decided and I wouldn't have a clue. I don't know how they set things up but if you send in an appeal surely the least you deserve is a response? I'm completely baffelled by Irelands justice system. The more I learn the more I realise how behind in the times we are when it comes to rape. I feel like I want to do something but I don't know what.

At home it's been crazy, I've been staying with my parents for the last couple of months, my parents foster but they haven't had any foster kids in a couple of years because my dad was ill for a while, anyway yesterday we got two new foster kids, they were put into emergency care due to allegations of sexual abuse. They are here now and I find it really triggering. The girl is only twelve years of age and I keep looking at her wondering if she was abused and if so what must be going on in the poor girls head. My heart is broken for her and I'm extremely emotional.

I also selfishly feel like not wanting to be around her because it's stirring up so many awful and painful feelings for me. the shame, the guilt, feeling dirty. I don't know I'm completely overwhelmed and confused. I want to help her if she needs it or if she'll let me but I don't know if I am strong enough at the moment. My home has been my safe place and I feel like it's been dragged and shoved right in my face so I'm a bit of a mess at the moment. I know I'm an awful person for thinking this way.

I haven't wanted to face the reality of life after my holiday but this has kind of forced it and now I just want to lie down and not get up.

A couple of days into the holiday

Well I made it, I´m on holidays. We nearly missed our flight, about 30 seconds more and we wouldn´t have made it. I nearly passed out with the relief when we finally made it. We stayed the first night in Malaga. I didn´t like it there, it´s a lovely city it´s just that there were so many people I didn´t know. Where we are staying is perfect, it´s very quiet right now and there aren´t too many people and the town itself is lovely so it´s perfect!

The day before I left for holidays I had a therapy session, for the first time we talked about what happened in a fair bit of detail. It was the first time I spoke about how I felt in the tent, the only other time I detailed what happened was in my statement and that was very factual and disconnected. Since the therapy session I find that I´m a little panicky, like I can´t catch my breath and I wouldn´t be doing anything. I could be just sitting there and would have trouble breathing. I keep getting flashes from that night out of no where and my sleeping has gotten worse. Maybe it´s because I have so much time over here to think. Maybe it´s what I need to do to deal with it. No matter where you go there´s no getting away from it. There´s no taking a break from it.

I was hoping to hear back from the DPP after I wrote to them appealing their decision not to prosecute before I left for holidays but I didn´t so I´ll probably have a letter waiting for me when I get back. I know it´s going to say that they still aren´t going to prosecute him but at least I know I have done all I can. Then maybe I will get some sense of closure and I can start moving on. It sounds so easy!