Strong enough to fall apart

As you can tell from previous posts I am struggling a lot right now. I am having the worst nightmares I have ever had, the feelings from the nightmares stay with me for the rest of the day. I've been afraid to go asleep because I'm so afraid of what I might dream. I wake up screaming. Mostly the dreams are random. A bunch of very random, violent dreams but the feeling is always the same, I'm always terrified. It's hard to shake that off once you wake up.

I spoke to my therapist today about it and she somehow managed to turn it in to a positive. Basically, I am now mentally stronger which allows my mind to process more details of the full horror of the attack and the aftermath. Whilst I'm glad to be making another mini step forward I'm still scared of where this might lead. I'm scared all the time now, I have a constant feeling of panic, the jaw tension pain is back. I'm now getting nose bleeds. I thought as you moved forward things were supposed to get easier but apparently not. Fantastic! Just when you think your starting to come to terms with what happened you realize, eh no actually now the real fun begins. Now you really have to work hard to stay afloat. Great! Fun times ahead for me.

All this said, I am glad that I'm making steps forward even if it is making me feel so awful at least I'm not stuck    in the hell that is numbness. I am finally feeling something real. I'm still in there somewhere.

Where is my mind

I can't seem to shake this feeling of sadness this week. There's a lot of things swirling around in my head. Things from the last almost 11 months. A lot of things that I was too numb to feel at the time. My cousin died a couple of months after I was raped. It was very sudden and unexpected. I barely remember his funeral. Today was the first time I cried for him. Life has been going on around me for months, good and bad things but I can barely remember it. It's like I've been living in a dream all this time and only have snapshots of the dream. Like everything that's been going on was happening to someone else. Small things like going to the shop for milk or visiting my grandfather in hospital, it was like it was someone else doing that and not me.

Someone else was raped, someone else lost their promotion, someone else had to take 3 months off work, all of it was someone else. My mind went somewhere else the night I was raped and it feels like it's only starting to come back now.

And as the reality of my life slowly starts to dawn on me I feel myself minimizing what happened. I catch myself thinking, well it wasn't that bad, you are making a bigger deal of it than it was, but then I think well how come it's affected me so badly then?

I feel like I've taken steps backwards, I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm hiding in my room and I just feel really really sad. Maybe this is all part of it, a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

Can't sleep

Sleep will not come to me tonight. I'm afraid of falling asleep, afraid of what I'll dream. Every time I get close to nodding off I think of what happened, I think about the nightmare I had last night and the night before and the night before that. It makes me jump and then I'm wide awake again. I'm so so tired. I wish someone or something could make me feel better. I feel so alone.

It seems to have gotten worse since I've started sharing more in therapy. I can't remember the last time I didn't wake up at some point in the night from a nightmare. Usually it's several times in the night, I'd like things to start getting a bit better now. I'm tired.

Letter to my rapist

To F.....

Congratulations on getting away with raping me. I've been told that you said that you claimed it was consensual and that you were really drunk and this was your excuse. Your only lucky that Ireland is so behind the times that the justice system took this to be enough of a reason for them to feel that they wouldn't secure a conviction.

We both know what happened. You lured me away from my friends by pretending that you knew were N... was  when I asked you. You lured me down to your tent knowing that N... wasn't there. You convinced me to get into the tent. You knew that you were going to have sex with  me whether I wanted it or not. You brutalised me, savaged my body so much that I couldn't sit down for days without pain. You bruised me and bit me. You did all this while I begged you to stop over and over again. You knew you were hurting me, in fact   the more you hurt me the more aroused you got. I pulled a muscle in my pelvis trying to get away from you so don't pretend that I wanted it. I tried to get you off me. I tried to get out of the tent. Remember when I got you to stop for a second after ages of begging and looking you in the eye begging you to stop, to let me answer my phone. Remember you just pushed me back down on the ground and pushed my phone out of my reach. Of course you remember, you knew exactly what you were doing. Tell me, how is that not rape? Is there any way that it couldn't have been?

You have no idea the pain you have caused me, my family and friends. I hope one day you are in fear for your life, then will you have some idea of what it was like for me in that tent. You should face me and explain yourself. You should face me you coward. You treated me like I wasn't even human, you wouldn't treat an animal the way you treated me, but it's you that isn't human, I am more of a person than you will ever be.

You may think that you have gotten away with it but someday it will come back on you ten fold and you will get what you deserve and if you even think about doing this to another woman you will get caught because it's on record that you were accused of rape by me and you will go to jail then.

If I ever happen to see you or bump in to you I will call you out, I will tell anyone who listens that you are a rapist so stay away from me. I am not afraid of you, you can not hurt me anymore.

Now go to hell you bastard.

Sexual Assault Prevention Poster!

I found this poster here, when I first saw the headline I thought, here we go again here is another list of tips to help people prevent a sexual assault. We should be finding ways to prevent the attackers from assaulting for example prosecuting those who a complaint has been made against. 

Again I say, place the blame on the rapist and not on the victim. Anyway, I quite like the poster. If you click on the poster you should be able to get a closer look.

It really happened

I had therapy today and we read through the letter that I wrote to my rapist. It's not something I would ever send him, not this draft anyway! I couldn't read it out so my T did. I couldn't believe the words she was reading were my words. I mean this really happened, it's not a bad dream. He really did this to me. I was raped. Me. Raped. I was. I really was and there's no way I can wipe it away. The day won't come where it will be ok because it's not ok. The day will come when I will be ok though. After almost 11 months only now I am starting to connect that this really happened and nothing I do will make it go away. It really happened. I mean it really happened. I've really been through so much and I'm still standing. I'm wounded and I'm crying but I'm still here, but it did really happen and nothing will change that. It's awful.

I did my homework

My T asked me to write a letter to my rapist and bring it in to our next session which is tomorrow. I put it off all week but I finally did it this evening. The thought of doing it scared me, I felt like a child being asked to face the monster under their bed. Now that I have it done I just feel exhausted. I resent having to go in to therapy to talk about it, I shouldn't have to. This shouldn't have happened! He should not have gotten away with it. I should have had my chance to face him for real and he should have been put in jail for what he did to me, for what he is still doing to me. When will all this end? Tell me it's going to get easier soon? I've a tension pain in my jaw, I haven't had that in a while and I'm back to grinding my teeth in my sleep. I need to get a mouth guard before my teeth fall out. I already need a million fillings. The impact this has had on me physically always surprises me. Hope I sleep tonight.

Wake up people

I'm having awful trouble sleeping the last few nights, more than usual. Grrr...It's not really a surprise I suppose but still. I wonder what people who haven't been through something like this think when/if they read this. It seems that there is still a lot of blame towards the victims of rape unless someone has jumped out of a bush and attacked them. The more I research the more I see that this is the case. I think it's easier to believe that rapists are people who wear masks and jump out at people when in reality the majority of rapes that occur the victim knows their attacker. Why is there so much blame put on the victim? Nobody blamed me more than me at first, it's only in the last couple of months that I've stopped blaming myself. Is society not able to accept that some people will take advantage of a situation for the own sick need to hurt and have power over people. Just because I put myself in a situation where I was alone with him does that mean that I deserve what I got? No. We need to wake up to what's happening all around us every day Ireland, we need to stop blaming the victim and place it where it belongs. The perps need to be punished, the victims need to be supported.

Therapy Homework

I had therapy today, thank god, although I was feeling so sorry for myself that I didn't want to go. I went anyway and we spoke about what a crappy week I've had and that I was feeling angry and low. I find it hard to get my head around the fact that he has gotten away with it. I wish I could look him in the eye and say - you did this to me and it was not ok. She tried putting a cushion on the chair and pretending it was him but I just couldn't get the words out, number one I was scared and number two I felt pretty stupid talking to a cushion! So she asked me to write a letter to him. I like the idea but where do you start?! I've a feeling it'g going to be full of foul language etc. Not an easy exercise but something I really need to do I think......

I was so scared

I don't know if it's because I got the decision from the DPP or if it's a result of therapy but I can't stop thinking about what happened and what I felt while it was happening. I keep getting flashbacks of both what was going on and what I was feeling at the time. I was so scared. So confused. I didn't know what to do or what was happening, it didn't register that it was rape, I just knew I wanted it to stop, I wanted the pain to stop. I wish I reacted differently, if I had would I have gotten away and saved myself from all this heartache? Why didn't I scream? Why was I so afraid of being embarrassed or being a 'drama queen'. My mind was racing so much, I remember thinking don't scream, don't over-react, this isn't happening all the while feeling so scared and thinking if this isn't happening then why am I so scared? And I could hear my phone going off and knew it was my friend looking for me. I knew she would be worried, she knows it isn't like me to wonder off for so long, but he wouldn't let me answer my phone, he pushed it out of my reach and pinned me down. I was so scared. My mind was screaming STOP STOP STOP but it only came out in a whisper, a quiet pleading stop stop stop over and over again while trying to squirm away from him because what he was doing was so painful, but I couldn't get away he held me down. I couldn't get away so I stopped fighting and he did what he did while my phone kept ringing and ringing.

Hiding

I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm just hiding in my room. I don't feel like eating. I'm completely hiding from everyone, I'm not answering calls or leaving my room. I can feel myself sinking.

Pain, Pain go away

Aaaah, I'm in so much pain. How much can one person take? I can't believe he did this to me and there are no consequences for him. I keep thinking of the things he did to me and the true horror of it is getting clearer and clearer. I can't cope. How did this happen? How did my life get to this? I'm trying to be positive but do you know what I don't feel like being positive today. I just want to be someone else for a day or even an hour. Just a little break from it all. It's more than 10 months on and still every time I take a step forward I take 2 huge steps back. I'm desperate for someone to come along and make it all go away but it's not happening. When will good things happen? When is it my turn for a bit of happiness? I can't even remember what it feels like to be happy. I'm so afraid I'm going to turn in to this bitter twisted person. Hat's off to anyone who has been through anything like this and actually survived and came through it intact. It's truly indescribable how absolutely heartbreaking and painful this is. I want to fall asleep and not wake up, isn't that awful that someone could hurt somebody so much that they want to die and they just go on living there life as if nothing happened. What kind of world are we living in.

The appeal to prosecute him as been denied

I got the letter today from the DPP with the response from my appeal at their decision not to prosecute my rapist. Yes my RAPIST, he f'ing RAPED me and he gets away with it. That's it now it's final. There's nothing more I can do to get justice for what he did to me. For all the things he did to me during those two hours. It just baffles me, from the evidence we had you would all but need a video recording of what happened. What was in his statement that was so convincing? His only defence was drink, I mean please are you serious? Alcohol doesn't turn you into a violent rapist. I have no idea what to do now or where to turn, there is nothing left only me and my thoughts and my nightmares and my pain oh and lets not forget the fear, that's the big one, that's the paralising thing, that's what makes you want to run away and hide from the world. Fear.

I had plans with my friends this evening, don't think I'm much company. Think I'll go back to the safety of my bed and not get out of it for a while. I'm tired of it all, tired of fighting to get my life back, tired of trying to not let the fear overcome me, tired of not letting the pain get me down. Tired of trying not to be a victim but I am. That's what I am. I'm not me anymore I'm his victim. He won - again.

Got a letter from the DPP regarding my appeal

I just got a letter from the DPP regarding my appeal. I can't read it, I read the first line and that's it. I feel sick. There's proper information in it. Whatever it says means that it's final, over. No hope for justice for me. I'm shaking and feel sick to my stomach. My housemate's here, I might get him to open it and tell me the gist of it. Help help help help.

Triggered Today

For some reason today some of the events of that night keep flashing in my mind, more so than on other days, and I was doing so well and all, had a really nice few days just being normal with my friends grrr. Certain aspects   of the rape and some of the things that he did to me keep coming into my mind, it's making me feel panicky and scared. I can't stop thinking about him either, where is he? Is he back in the country? What if I bump into him? Part of me wants to so I can scream at him and punch him but that probably wouldn't happen, I'd probably just freeze.

The flashes are very vivid, more so than any I've had before. This must be a new part of it. I wonder if this is normal. It probably is. He hurt me alot, for over 2 hours. I couldn't get him to stop. Bastard. I hope he rots in hell. Never felt anger like this before. At least it's anger at him this time and not myself. Bastard. The things he did to me. Bastard.

Sorry if my language offends.

Confusing day

Today is a confusing day, I'm feeling a bit better lately but I feel quite angry at the same time, at the moment I'm really angry that I can't get justice for what happened to me. It was really wrong what he did, he has destroyed me and nobody is going to stand up and say, yes this was wrong and we aren't going to let him get away with but nobody is. How can that be?

Do I not deserve justice? Am I not worthy of it? There are so so many things wrong with the justice system it's scary. This is something that I am really struggling with right now and I don't know how to get past it, how to accept it and how to move on. If I can't face him how do I get closure? Is there ever any closure?

'Coming out of the woods'

In my therapy session this week my counsellor said that I was coming out of the woods. You usually hear that when someone is sick, so coming out of the woods, what does that mean for me? Does that mean I am becoming a survivor? What an absolutely amazing thing. To have experienced something so absolutely devastatingly horrific and to actually possibly survive it. I never ever thought I'd see the day where I would be 'coming out of the woods' I really didn't. It's still hard and it's still awful, words can't describe how painful and life shattering it is but to actually survive it and come out somewhat intact, I no longer feel like my life is over. I hope I stay feeling like this.

10 months today

Today it is 10 months since it happened. I got to be honest I've been avoiding and hiding from all reminders of  what happened to me. I haven't wanted to face all the pain again since I came back from holidays but I guess to truly heal you have to face the pain head on. I had a counselling session today it was actually very positive. I'm learning to be kinder to myself and to look after myself a bit better.

Sometimes I still think, did this really happen to me? Sometimes it's still hard to believe. At the moment he is abroad at university but I'm worried now that summer is here that he will be back in the area and I'm so so afraid of bumping into him. The thought of it just paralysis me with fear.

I also found out another unbelievably disgusting thing about our justice system. I was speaking with a solicitor who is an advisor with the RCC in Dublin. I told her that I had appealed the DPP's decision not to prosecute and I wanted to know how long it would be before I heard anything. She informed me that basically that if they change their decision they will let you know but that it would take several months, she also said that if they stuck to their original decision which I'm sure they will then they will not respond to me. So basically the victim writes to them to appeal and if they change their minds they'll let you know but if they don't then they will not even bother to respond to your letter to tell you the outcome. I can't believe it, what an absolute joke. I'm here checking the mail every day to see if there is a letter from them which will probably never come. How absolutely insensitive and cruel.

So all in all I'm feeling pretty crappy. This time 10 months ago my life as I knew it ended.