Saturday, May 28, 2011

Back to reality with a bang :-(

Finally got back from holidays on Wednesday, our flight got cancelled so we had to stay an extra two days. I had a great holiday and it's been hard and depressing coming back to reality. I thought when I came back I'd have something from the DPP about my appeal but there was nothing. I found out today that they might not even respond to me. I was told that my case would be reviewed and if they changed their minds they would let me know but if they didn't then they probably wouldn't respond to my appeal at all. So they could have already decided and I wouldn't have a clue. I don't know how they set things up but if you send in an appeal surely the least you deserve is a response? I'm completely baffelled by Irelands justice system. The more I learn the more I realise how behind in the times we are when it comes to rape. I feel like I want to do something but I don't know what.

At home it's been crazy, I've been staying with my parents for the last couple of months, my parents foster but they haven't had any foster kids in a couple of years because my dad was ill for a while, anyway yesterday we got two new foster kids, they were put into emergency care due to allegations of sexual abuse. They are here now and I find it really triggering. The girl is only twelve years of age and I keep looking at her wondering if she was abused and if so what must be going on in the poor girls head. My heart is broken for her and I'm extremely emotional.

I also selfishly feel like not wanting to be around her because it's stirring up so many awful and painful feelings for me. the shame, the guilt, feeling dirty. I don't know I'm completely overwhelmed and confused. I want to help her if she needs it or if she'll let me but I don't know if I am strong enough at the moment. My home has been my safe place and I feel like it's been dragged and shoved right in my face so I'm a bit of a mess at the moment. I know I'm an awful person for thinking this way.

I haven't wanted to face the reality of life after my holiday but this has kind of forced it and now I just want to lie down and not get up.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

A couple of days into the holiday

Well I made it, I´m on holidays. We nearly missed our flight, about 30 seconds more and we wouldn´t have made it. I nearly passed out with the relief when we finally made it. We stayed the first night in Malaga. I didn´t like it there, it´s a lovely city it´s just that there were so many people I didn´t know. Where we are staying is perfect, it´s very quiet right now and there aren´t too many people and the town itself is lovely so it´s perfect!

The day before I left for holidays I had a therapy session, for the first time we talked about what happened in a fair bit of detail. It was the first time I spoke about how I felt in the tent, the only other time I detailed what happened was in my statement and that was very factual and disconnected. Since the therapy session I find that I´m a little panicky, like I can´t catch my breath and I wouldn´t be doing anything. I could be just sitting there and would have trouble breathing. I keep getting flashes from that night out of no where and my sleeping has gotten worse. Maybe it´s because I have so much time over here to think. Maybe it´s what I need to do to deal with it. No matter where you go there´s no getting away from it. There´s no taking a break from it.

I was hoping to hear back from the DPP after I wrote to them appealing their decision not to prosecute before I left for holidays but I didn´t so I´ll probably have a letter waiting for me when I get back. I know it´s going to say that they still aren´t going to prosecute him but at least I know I have done all I can. Then maybe I will get some sense of closure and I can start moving on. It sounds so easy!

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Rape Crisis Network Ire. funding completely cut

I saw the statement on the RCNI's twitter page regarding the HSE (Ireland's Health System) decision to cut the funding of the work the RCNI does. At present the RCNI gathers vital information on statistics of all kinds of sexual violence. They use this information to provide information to the government to help steer the support for victims of sexual assault in  the right direction.

The information they gather is as accurate as it can be and it's independent. At the moment the RCNI gather data   using a web based system, the government want to cut their funding and us a paper system!!

I am absolutely terrified at the damage this will cause. Personally, I can't take much more disappointment from my country. Throughout this whole process I have been let down by my government several times but this isn't just about me, this is all the people who have experienced sexual violence and also about all the people, men, women and children who WILL experience sexual violence.

The RCNI asked that everyone send an email to the Minister for Health to intervene and change the decision. I have emailed him. Sadly, I don't think he's going to care.

Here's the lowdown on what's going on, I think I'm a bit too all over the place to explain it properly.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Back on track with Counselling

My therapist was on holidays so I had no counselling for two weeks. It was a tough two weeks and the timing just wasn't great. I had just found out that the DPP aren't going to prosecute him, I was also forced to take long term leave from work and move home to my parents for a while and it just felt like everything was falling apart.

I couldn't even speak or communicate with anyone. I didn't cope very well at all and it was basically a very very long two weeks, I felt like I was spiraling downhill very fast. I wasn't very nice to myself.

I can't help but think about all the time that has passed and some days you think you are a bit better and someday's you think that you are worse than ever. I suppose the main thing that I try to remember to keep me going is that it's not always going to be this bad. I just have to weather the storm and hope that I come through it ok.

I was back at therapy on Thursday and it really helped me get back on track. I was so nervous before it because I knew it was going to be hard and it was a very tough session, I was very raw after it but at the same time with each session I feel like I'm making a little step.

This journey is full of ups and downs and I'm overall an absolute mess but some days are better than others and today I feel thankful for the good days.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

9 months today

Today is 9 months since it happened. God I can't believe how much time has passed and yet it doesn't feel like that long ago. I don't have much to say about it, it's too hard to find the words. I'm in so much pain and it won't go away. It has to get easier soon. Please let it get easier soon.