Can't sleep

Sleep will not come to me tonight. I'm afraid of falling asleep, afraid of what I'll dream. Every time I get close to nodding off I think of what happened, I think about the nightmare I had last night and the night before and the night before that. It makes me jump and then I'm wide awake again. I'm so so tired. I wish someone or something could make me feel better. I feel so alone.

It seems to have gotten worse since I've started sharing more in therapy. I can't remember the last time I didn't wake up at some point in the night from a nightmare. Usually it's several times in the night, I'd like things to start getting a bit better now. I'm tired.

Pain, Pain go away

Aaaah, I'm in so much pain. How much can one person take? I can't believe he did this to me and there are no consequences for him. I keep thinking of the things he did to me and the true horror of it is getting clearer and clearer. I can't cope. How did this happen? How did my life get to this? I'm trying to be positive but do you know what I don't feel like being positive today. I just want to be someone else for a day or even an hour. Just a little break from it all. It's more than 10 months on and still every time I take a step forward I take 2 huge steps back. I'm desperate for someone to come along and make it all go away but it's not happening. When will good things happen? When is it my turn for a bit of happiness? I can't even remember what it feels like to be happy. I'm so afraid I'm going to turn in to this bitter twisted person. Hat's off to anyone who has been through anything like this and actually survived and came through it intact. It's truly indescribable how absolutely heartbreaking and painful this is. I want to fall asleep and not wake up, isn't that awful that someone could hurt somebody so much that they want to die and they just go on living there life as if nothing happened. What kind of world are we living in.

10 months today

Today it is 10 months since it happened. I got to be honest I've been avoiding and hiding from all reminders of  what happened to me. I haven't wanted to face all the pain again since I came back from holidays but I guess to truly heal you have to face the pain head on. I had a counselling session today it was actually very positive. I'm learning to be kinder to myself and to look after myself a bit better.

Sometimes I still think, did this really happen to me? Sometimes it's still hard to believe. At the moment he is abroad at university but I'm worried now that summer is here that he will be back in the area and I'm so so afraid of bumping into him. The thought of it just paralysis me with fear.

I also found out another unbelievably disgusting thing about our justice system. I was speaking with a solicitor who is an advisor with the RCC in Dublin. I told her that I had appealed the DPP's decision not to prosecute and I wanted to know how long it would be before I heard anything. She informed me that basically that if they change their decision they will let you know but that it would take several months, she also said that if they stuck to their original decision which I'm sure they will then they will not respond to me. So basically the victim writes to them to appeal and if they change their minds they'll let you know but if they don't then they will not even bother to respond to your letter to tell you the outcome. I can't believe it, what an absolute joke. I'm here checking the mail every day to see if there is a letter from them which will probably never come. How absolutely insensitive and cruel.

So all in all I'm feeling pretty crappy. This time 10 months ago my life as I knew it ended.

Rape Crisis Network Ire. funding completely cut

I saw the statement on the RCNI's twitter page regarding the HSE (Ireland's Health System) decision to cut the funding of the work the RCNI does. At present the RCNI gathers vital information on statistics of all kinds of sexual violence. They use this information to provide information to the government to help steer the support for victims of sexual assault in  the right direction.

The information they gather is as accurate as it can be and it's independent. At the moment the RCNI gather data   using a web based system, the government want to cut their funding and us a paper system!!

I am absolutely terrified at the damage this will cause. Personally, I can't take much more disappointment from my country. Throughout this whole process I have been let down by my government several times but this isn't just about me, this is all the people who have experienced sexual violence and also about all the people, men, women and children who WILL experience sexual violence.

The RCNI asked that everyone send an email to the Minister for Health to intervene and change the decision. I have emailed him. Sadly, I don't think he's going to care.

Here's the lowdown on what's going on, I think I'm a bit too all over the place to explain it properly.

http://www.rcni.ie/uploads/TerminationOfFundingCallForUrgentAction.pdf

Back on track with Counselling

My therapist was on holidays so I had no counselling for two weeks. It was a tough two weeks and the timing just wasn't great. I had just found out that the DPP aren't going to prosecute him, I was also forced to take long term leave from work and move home to my parents for a while and it just felt like everything was falling apart.

I couldn't even speak or communicate with anyone. I didn't cope very well at all and it was basically a very very long two weeks, I felt like I was spiraling downhill very fast. I wasn't very nice to myself.

I can't help but think about all the time that has passed and some days you think you are a bit better and someday's you think that you are worse than ever. I suppose the main thing that I try to remember to keep me going is that it's not always going to be this bad. I just have to weather the storm and hope that I come through it ok.

I was back at therapy on Thursday and it really helped me get back on track. I was so nervous before it because I knew it was going to be hard and it was a very tough session, I was very raw after it but at the same time with each session I feel like I'm making a little step.

This journey is full of ups and downs and I'm overall an absolute mess but some days are better than others and today I feel thankful for the good days.

No matter where I turn

It seems like no matter where I turn things are against me. Why is it that there is nothing there to protect the victim. The law is there to protect the accused and when someone is willing to help the victim the law says that they can't. A TD (politician) wanted to support me in my appeal with the DPP but has been told by the DPP that he can't get involved because it would be inappropriate for a public representative to become involved.

So how am I supposed to try and get justice when I can't even go to my public representatives? No matter where I turn to try and get justice for what happened to me there is something that stops it.

No, we can't prosecute your attacker because he had been drinking and so had you.
No, we can't prosecute your attacker because you willingly were alone with him and said you let him kiss you.
No, we can't prosecute your attacker because you didn't scream.
No, you actually can't go to anyone to help you get justice, you can only write a letter to appeal and we will write back, that's it.
No, we can't meet with you to give you an explanation.

I've been so stupid and naive by thinking that by some miracle they will say we made a terrible mistake actually, we can see now that yes this was rape and we are going to give you your day in court.

Silly me, I'll just go back to feeling hopeless and let down and completely defeated once again. What's the point in fighting when you haven't a chance of winning.