Guess what...I'm Pregnant!

I have the craziest most bizarre story, so in  my last post I wrote about it coming up to 2  years since I was raped. On the day of the 2nd anniversary we found out I'm pregnant!

I was dreading the day and thinking, I just want it to be over, I was expecting a bad nights sleep the whole lot and I was feeling pretty down about it until.....

Myself and himself were talking and I realized I was late, I put it down to the stress of the time of year as I could feel my period coming, I had a test in my room so I said to him will I take one for the laugh, he had never seen one work before so he said yes, both of us completely relaxed as we were 100% sure I wasn't. So off I went and peed on a stick and within seconds it came up positive, I was so shocked I just showed it to him, he thought I was joking! I made him go and buy another 2 tests and I took them and they were positive.

I still couldn't believe it the next morning so I took another 2 and they were positive!! I went to the doctor and she confirmed it.

It is very very early days but I can't believe I got such happy news on the 2nd year anniversary of what was the end of my life as I knew it.

I can't help but feel this is a sign even though I know it's early days, I don't want to get ahead of myself but it just feels so foreign and overwhelming to have nice things happen for a change.

I'm so used to things being horrible that I'm scared something will go wrong. I'm trying to be positive and happy, please god if there is one let this be the blessing I so want it to be.

2 years on

So tomorrow will mark 2 years since it happened. I'm finding today tough, I feel an awful feeling of dread hanging over me. I'm trying to think of the positives like how far I've come, how much better my life is lately but I think I'm also aloud to be a bit sad today. Everyone's comments lately have been so amazing. It lifts my heart.

Happiness is that you?

I have been feeling happy lately, things are going great with my boyfriend. He's an amazing guy, makes me feel so comfortable and is proud of me for what I've overcome. I never thought I would ever feel content or happy again. It's not all the time, I still have ups and downs but the holding on for dear life, working with my therapist, the support from my family and this wonderful network of people I've met online has brought me to a point where I can allow myself to be happy.

I deserve it. I've been true hell and I deserve to feel happy again.

It's nearly two years since it happened, there are no words to describe how unbelievably horrible it has been but finally I'm starting to come out the other side.

I still have more work to do but I'm getting there!

Am I better off alone?

I met a really good guy and we've been dating for a while now. He's really genuine and caring and patient with me. He doesn't know what happened but I'd say I'm going to have to soon. We started sleeping together. It was actually fine. However the closer I feel to him the more freaked out I get. I'm sure that makes sense I suppose. Last night he spent the night and I found myself having awful nightmares, all day I've been feeling really anxious and scared basically.

My chest is really tight and the nightmares I'm having are really vivid. It's probably because I'm sharing a bed with a guy I care about! Life would be alot simpler if I was still alone...hmmm is it worth it? I'm confused, on the one hand I have feelings for him but I'm scared of those feelings. Maybe I'm better off alone...

Turning a Corner

I know when I started looking at others peoples blogs when I was in the height of all the horrible blackness I was desperately searching for something that would say 'it will get easier'. What I wanted to read was that my life would go back to the way it was before but that's not true is it?!

What I will say is that after almost two years of pretty much hell with a lot of support, therapy and holding on I now feel like I've turned a corner, I've started to feel like I'm surviving something rather than a victim of something.

It sounds pretty bleak if I was back at the beginning and read this I'd be thinking, I can't feel like this for another two days let alone two years but if you are reading this and you are thinking that then let me say this, you will be surprised at how strong you can be even though you don't feel like it, when you are healing and trying to take back your life as time goes on you find that you can look back and say - I'm still suffering a lot but I'm better than I was this time last month or last year and that's what keeps you going.

I don't know how I got to this point, most days I didn't want to be alive then slowly that feeling started to fade, hope started creeping back in and it's hard to see that at the time but looking back that's how it happened.

I feel that I have now turned a corner, my therapy sessions have been cut back to once a month and for the first  time recently I accepted that yes I have been raped, I said it out loud, because I was, no matter if the DPP doesn't prosecute, I was. A horrible life shattering criminal act was done to me and it wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it and I have given myself permission to heal, to think of my future, to love myself and care for myself again because that is what I deserve.

So if anyone feeling total despair reads this then let me tell you that it is hard and you shouldn't have to go through this pain but it's happening, reach out and get the help you need if your not already and I promise you will see a day when this aren't as bleak, you can feel happy again because you deserve it.

If anyone reading this has sought help and thick of it then I promise if you see it through and you allow yourself to work on healing then you will see the day when you turn that corner.

That is where I'm at now, things aren't perfect I still have a bit to go, I still have my good and bad days but I know now that things are and will get better for me.

Here's to letting go of the pain and putting the pieces of our lives back together.

Lizzie xx

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've posted. The main reason for it because I just had nothing to say. I haven't wanted to face or deal with anything that has happened. I've also being having a very difficult time at work and it's been quite stressful. Sometimes when things are really bad I can't find the words so I just don't say anything.

I'm on a week off work because of stress. I hate this I have never been that type of person but here I am. I've no idea how I got to this place. I've had a couple of breakthroughs in therapy where I faced some tough feelings. I've always been bad at looking after my emotional self, I've always just buried everything so it's been tough to open up and it's taking a long time. I'm getting a bit better at it though. Sometimes I still think how did this happen to me even though it's been a year and a half. It's seems like such a long time but it's gone by in the blink of an eye. I can't even remember most of it.

At least it's another step if I've started to write something again. I want to be able to let go of this and put it behind me, I don't know if that's even possible but I would just like it to stop hurting so much.