Wake up people

I'm having awful trouble sleeping the last few nights, more than usual. Grrr...It's not really a surprise I suppose but still. I wonder what people who haven't been through something like this think when/if they read this. It seems that there is still a lot of blame towards the victims of rape unless someone has jumped out of a bush and attacked them. The more I research the more I see that this is the case. I think it's easier to believe that rapists are people who wear masks and jump out at people when in reality the majority of rapes that occur the victim knows their attacker. Why is there so much blame put on the victim? Nobody blamed me more than me at first, it's only in the last couple of months that I've stopped blaming myself. Is society not able to accept that some people will take advantage of a situation for the own sick need to hurt and have power over people. Just because I put myself in a situation where I was alone with him does that mean that I deserve what I got? No. We need to wake up to what's happening all around us every day Ireland, we need to stop blaming the victim and place it where it belongs. The perps need to be punished, the victims need to be supported.

Pain, Pain go away

Aaaah, I'm in so much pain. How much can one person take? I can't believe he did this to me and there are no consequences for him. I keep thinking of the things he did to me and the true horror of it is getting clearer and clearer. I can't cope. How did this happen? How did my life get to this? I'm trying to be positive but do you know what I don't feel like being positive today. I just want to be someone else for a day or even an hour. Just a little break from it all. It's more than 10 months on and still every time I take a step forward I take 2 huge steps back. I'm desperate for someone to come along and make it all go away but it's not happening. When will good things happen? When is it my turn for a bit of happiness? I can't even remember what it feels like to be happy. I'm so afraid I'm going to turn in to this bitter twisted person. Hat's off to anyone who has been through anything like this and actually survived and came through it intact. It's truly indescribable how absolutely heartbreaking and painful this is. I want to fall asleep and not wake up, isn't that awful that someone could hurt somebody so much that they want to die and they just go on living there life as if nothing happened. What kind of world are we living in.

10 months today

Today it is 10 months since it happened. I got to be honest I've been avoiding and hiding from all reminders of  what happened to me. I haven't wanted to face all the pain again since I came back from holidays but I guess to truly heal you have to face the pain head on. I had a counselling session today it was actually very positive. I'm learning to be kinder to myself and to look after myself a bit better.

Sometimes I still think, did this really happen to me? Sometimes it's still hard to believe. At the moment he is abroad at university but I'm worried now that summer is here that he will be back in the area and I'm so so afraid of bumping into him. The thought of it just paralysis me with fear.

I also found out another unbelievably disgusting thing about our justice system. I was speaking with a solicitor who is an advisor with the RCC in Dublin. I told her that I had appealed the DPP's decision not to prosecute and I wanted to know how long it would be before I heard anything. She informed me that basically that if they change their decision they will let you know but that it would take several months, she also said that if they stuck to their original decision which I'm sure they will then they will not respond to me. So basically the victim writes to them to appeal and if they change their minds they'll let you know but if they don't then they will not even bother to respond to your letter to tell you the outcome. I can't believe it, what an absolute joke. I'm here checking the mail every day to see if there is a letter from them which will probably never come. How absolutely insensitive and cruel.

So all in all I'm feeling pretty crappy. This time 10 months ago my life as I knew it ended.

No matter where I turn

It seems like no matter where I turn things are against me. Why is it that there is nothing there to protect the victim. The law is there to protect the accused and when someone is willing to help the victim the law says that they can't. A TD (politician) wanted to support me in my appeal with the DPP but has been told by the DPP that he can't get involved because it would be inappropriate for a public representative to become involved.

So how am I supposed to try and get justice when I can't even go to my public representatives? No matter where I turn to try and get justice for what happened to me there is something that stops it.

No, we can't prosecute your attacker because he had been drinking and so had you.
No, we can't prosecute your attacker because you willingly were alone with him and said you let him kiss you.
No, we can't prosecute your attacker because you didn't scream.
No, you actually can't go to anyone to help you get justice, you can only write a letter to appeal and we will write back, that's it.
No, we can't meet with you to give you an explanation.

I've been so stupid and naive by thinking that by some miracle they will say we made a terrible mistake actually, we can see now that yes this was rape and we are going to give you your day in court.

Silly me, I'll just go back to feeling hopeless and let down and completely defeated once again. What's the point in fighting when you haven't a chance of winning.