Day Four

Well my fourth day back at work is over and work is going ok, I'm managing and coping well I think. I'm finding in the evenings that I'm getting that old ball of stress in my chest. I need to find a way of working through it so that I can function properly. I can't keep coming home with this. Another reason for it is probably that I didn't have counselling last week. I find that if I don't have a session every week then I start feeling very anxious and a little overwhelmed going into the second week. My next session is Thursday and I wish it was now!

I'm going to take up a class in Tai Chi to try and help with the stress I heard that's supposed to be good. It's not one thing that's making me feel this way it's everything and I don't want things to start piling up again.I wish I had a stress valve that you could just open up and let the pressure out when it starts getting to much. Might be tough to go to sleep tonight. Oh well that's life.

Strong enough to fall apart

As you can tell from previous posts I am struggling a lot right now. I am having the worst nightmares I have ever had, the feelings from the nightmares stay with me for the rest of the day. I've been afraid to go asleep because I'm so afraid of what I might dream. I wake up screaming. Mostly the dreams are random. A bunch of very random, violent dreams but the feeling is always the same, I'm always terrified. It's hard to shake that off once you wake up.

I spoke to my therapist today about it and she somehow managed to turn it in to a positive. Basically, I am now mentally stronger which allows my mind to process more details of the full horror of the attack and the aftermath. Whilst I'm glad to be making another mini step forward I'm still scared of where this might lead. I'm scared all the time now, I have a constant feeling of panic, the jaw tension pain is back. I'm now getting nose bleeds. I thought as you moved forward things were supposed to get easier but apparently not. Fantastic! Just when you think your starting to come to terms with what happened you realize, eh no actually now the real fun begins. Now you really have to work hard to stay afloat. Great! Fun times ahead for me.

All this said, I am glad that I'm making steps forward even if it is making me feel so awful at least I'm not stuck    in the hell that is numbness. I am finally feeling something real. I'm still in there somewhere.

Where is my mind

I can't seem to shake this feeling of sadness this week. There's a lot of things swirling around in my head. Things from the last almost 11 months. A lot of things that I was too numb to feel at the time. My cousin died a couple of months after I was raped. It was very sudden and unexpected. I barely remember his funeral. Today was the first time I cried for him. Life has been going on around me for months, good and bad things but I can barely remember it. It's like I've been living in a dream all this time and only have snapshots of the dream. Like everything that's been going on was happening to someone else. Small things like going to the shop for milk or visiting my grandfather in hospital, it was like it was someone else doing that and not me.

Someone else was raped, someone else lost their promotion, someone else had to take 3 months off work, all of it was someone else. My mind went somewhere else the night I was raped and it feels like it's only starting to come back now.

And as the reality of my life slowly starts to dawn on me I feel myself minimizing what happened. I catch myself thinking, well it wasn't that bad, you are making a bigger deal of it than it was, but then I think well how come it's affected me so badly then?

I feel like I've taken steps backwards, I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm hiding in my room and I just feel really really sad. Maybe this is all part of it, a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

It really happened

I had therapy today and we read through the letter that I wrote to my rapist. It's not something I would ever send him, not this draft anyway! I couldn't read it out so my T did. I couldn't believe the words she was reading were my words. I mean this really happened, it's not a bad dream. He really did this to me. I was raped. Me. Raped. I was. I really was and there's no way I can wipe it away. The day won't come where it will be ok because it's not ok. The day will come when I will be ok though. After almost 11 months only now I am starting to connect that this really happened and nothing I do will make it go away. It really happened. I mean it really happened. I've really been through so much and I'm still standing. I'm wounded and I'm crying but I'm still here, but it did really happen and nothing will change that. It's awful.

I did my homework

My T asked me to write a letter to my rapist and bring it in to our next session which is tomorrow. I put it off all week but I finally did it this evening. The thought of doing it scared me, I felt like a child being asked to face the monster under their bed. Now that I have it done I just feel exhausted. I resent having to go in to therapy to talk about it, I shouldn't have to. This shouldn't have happened! He should not have gotten away with it. I should have had my chance to face him for real and he should have been put in jail for what he did to me, for what he is still doing to me. When will all this end? Tell me it's going to get easier soon? I've a tension pain in my jaw, I haven't had that in a while and I'm back to grinding my teeth in my sleep. I need to get a mouth guard before my teeth fall out. I already need a million fillings. The impact this has had on me physically always surprises me. Hope I sleep tonight.

Therapy Homework

I had therapy today, thank god, although I was feeling so sorry for myself that I didn't want to go. I went anyway and we spoke about what a crappy week I've had and that I was feeling angry and low. I find it hard to get my head around the fact that he has gotten away with it. I wish I could look him in the eye and say - you did this to me and it was not ok. She tried putting a cushion on the chair and pretending it was him but I just couldn't get the words out, number one I was scared and number two I felt pretty stupid talking to a cushion! So she asked me to write a letter to him. I like the idea but where do you start?! I've a feeling it'g going to be full of foul language etc. Not an easy exercise but something I really need to do I think......

Back on track with Counselling

My therapist was on holidays so I had no counselling for two weeks. It was a tough two weeks and the timing just wasn't great. I had just found out that the DPP aren't going to prosecute him, I was also forced to take long term leave from work and move home to my parents for a while and it just felt like everything was falling apart.

I couldn't even speak or communicate with anyone. I didn't cope very well at all and it was basically a very very long two weeks, I felt like I was spiraling downhill very fast. I wasn't very nice to myself.

I can't help but think about all the time that has passed and some days you think you are a bit better and someday's you think that you are worse than ever. I suppose the main thing that I try to remember to keep me going is that it's not always going to be this bad. I just have to weather the storm and hope that I come through it ok.

I was back at therapy on Thursday and it really helped me get back on track. I was so nervous before it because I knew it was going to be hard and it was a very tough session, I was very raw after it but at the same time with each session I feel like I'm making a little step.

This journey is full of ups and downs and I'm overall an absolute mess but some days are better than others and today I feel thankful for the good days.