Speaking Out

For a long time now as I go through this long difficult battle of healing from my rape I have thought about speaking out publicly about my rape. It's something that I feel strongly about and want to do in the right forum and for the right reasons. The reasons I would like to do this is firstly for me, the DPP decided not to prosecute my rape and therefore there is no road to justice for me. Speaking out will be my way of sticking my fingers up at my rapist and saying f*** you, you did this to me but I survived, I am surviving. Part of me would like him and  his family to see it so they would have some idea of what it has done to me. The other reason I would like to speak out is because I would hope that it would help other victims of sexual assault. I feel let down by my justice system and I feel that as a society people need to understand just how devastating this crime is, until more awareness is raised then this devastating crime will not be treated properly.

It's a sad fact that society tend to blame the victim, maybe this is the reason why it's so hard to get a case to go to trial in Ireland, because it's so hard to get a conviction. I don't know but from what I've researched it certainly feels that way to me.

The only way that I can see to combat this is for victims of rape to speak out and tell their stories. Maybe this way society will get more of an insight in to what the reality of a rape victim life really is. It's not pretty, it's not nice to hear but try going through it!

The more I think about it the more I feel that it's important for me to speak out, to publicly say, this was what happened to me, this is what I have experienced and this is how it's affected my life. I also think, well why shouldn't I, after all, it's his shame not mine.

So...as a rape victim in Ireland, how do I share my story publicly and get people to listen??? I haven't a clue!

Strong enough to fall apart

As you can tell from previous posts I am struggling a lot right now. I am having the worst nightmares I have ever had, the feelings from the nightmares stay with me for the rest of the day. I've been afraid to go asleep because I'm so afraid of what I might dream. I wake up screaming. Mostly the dreams are random. A bunch of very random, violent dreams but the feeling is always the same, I'm always terrified. It's hard to shake that off once you wake up.

I spoke to my therapist today about it and she somehow managed to turn it in to a positive. Basically, I am now mentally stronger which allows my mind to process more details of the full horror of the attack and the aftermath. Whilst I'm glad to be making another mini step forward I'm still scared of where this might lead. I'm scared all the time now, I have a constant feeling of panic, the jaw tension pain is back. I'm now getting nose bleeds. I thought as you moved forward things were supposed to get easier but apparently not. Fantastic! Just when you think your starting to come to terms with what happened you realize, eh no actually now the real fun begins. Now you really have to work hard to stay afloat. Great! Fun times ahead for me.

All this said, I am glad that I'm making steps forward even if it is making me feel so awful at least I'm not stuck    in the hell that is numbness. I am finally feeling something real. I'm still in there somewhere.

Where is my mind

I can't seem to shake this feeling of sadness this week. There's a lot of things swirling around in my head. Things from the last almost 11 months. A lot of things that I was too numb to feel at the time. My cousin died a couple of months after I was raped. It was very sudden and unexpected. I barely remember his funeral. Today was the first time I cried for him. Life has been going on around me for months, good and bad things but I can barely remember it. It's like I've been living in a dream all this time and only have snapshots of the dream. Like everything that's been going on was happening to someone else. Small things like going to the shop for milk or visiting my grandfather in hospital, it was like it was someone else doing that and not me.

Someone else was raped, someone else lost their promotion, someone else had to take 3 months off work, all of it was someone else. My mind went somewhere else the night I was raped and it feels like it's only starting to come back now.

And as the reality of my life slowly starts to dawn on me I feel myself minimizing what happened. I catch myself thinking, well it wasn't that bad, you are making a bigger deal of it than it was, but then I think well how come it's affected me so badly then?

I feel like I've taken steps backwards, I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm hiding in my room and I just feel really really sad. Maybe this is all part of it, a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

Can't sleep

Sleep will not come to me tonight. I'm afraid of falling asleep, afraid of what I'll dream. Every time I get close to nodding off I think of what happened, I think about the nightmare I had last night and the night before and the night before that. It makes me jump and then I'm wide awake again. I'm so so tired. I wish someone or something could make me feel better. I feel so alone.

It seems to have gotten worse since I've started sharing more in therapy. I can't remember the last time I didn't wake up at some point in the night from a nightmare. Usually it's several times in the night, I'd like things to start getting a bit better now. I'm tired.

Letter to my rapist

To F.....

Congratulations on getting away with raping me. I've been told that you said that you claimed it was consensual and that you were really drunk and this was your excuse. Your only lucky that Ireland is so behind the times that the justice system took this to be enough of a reason for them to feel that they wouldn't secure a conviction.

We both know what happened. You lured me away from my friends by pretending that you knew were N... was  when I asked you. You lured me down to your tent knowing that N... wasn't there. You convinced me to get into the tent. You knew that you were going to have sex with  me whether I wanted it or not. You brutalised me, savaged my body so much that I couldn't sit down for days without pain. You bruised me and bit me. You did all this while I begged you to stop over and over again. You knew you were hurting me, in fact   the more you hurt me the more aroused you got. I pulled a muscle in my pelvis trying to get away from you so don't pretend that I wanted it. I tried to get you off me. I tried to get out of the tent. Remember when I got you to stop for a second after ages of begging and looking you in the eye begging you to stop, to let me answer my phone. Remember you just pushed me back down on the ground and pushed my phone out of my reach. Of course you remember, you knew exactly what you were doing. Tell me, how is that not rape? Is there any way that it couldn't have been?

You have no idea the pain you have caused me, my family and friends. I hope one day you are in fear for your life, then will you have some idea of what it was like for me in that tent. You should face me and explain yourself. You should face me you coward. You treated me like I wasn't even human, you wouldn't treat an animal the way you treated me, but it's you that isn't human, I am more of a person than you will ever be.

You may think that you have gotten away with it but someday it will come back on you ten fold and you will get what you deserve and if you even think about doing this to another woman you will get caught because it's on record that you were accused of rape by me and you will go to jail then.

If I ever happen to see you or bump in to you I will call you out, I will tell anyone who listens that you are a rapist so stay away from me. I am not afraid of you, you can not hurt me anymore.

Now go to hell you bastard.

It really happened

I had therapy today and we read through the letter that I wrote to my rapist. It's not something I would ever send him, not this draft anyway! I couldn't read it out so my T did. I couldn't believe the words she was reading were my words. I mean this really happened, it's not a bad dream. He really did this to me. I was raped. Me. Raped. I was. I really was and there's no way I can wipe it away. The day won't come where it will be ok because it's not ok. The day will come when I will be ok though. After almost 11 months only now I am starting to connect that this really happened and nothing I do will make it go away. It really happened. I mean it really happened. I've really been through so much and I'm still standing. I'm wounded and I'm crying but I'm still here, but it did really happen and nothing will change that. It's awful.

Wake up people

I'm having awful trouble sleeping the last few nights, more than usual. Grrr...It's not really a surprise I suppose but still. I wonder what people who haven't been through something like this think when/if they read this. It seems that there is still a lot of blame towards the victims of rape unless someone has jumped out of a bush and attacked them. The more I research the more I see that this is the case. I think it's easier to believe that rapists are people who wear masks and jump out at people when in reality the majority of rapes that occur the victim knows their attacker. Why is there so much blame put on the victim? Nobody blamed me more than me at first, it's only in the last couple of months that I've stopped blaming myself. Is society not able to accept that some people will take advantage of a situation for the own sick need to hurt and have power over people. Just because I put myself in a situation where I was alone with him does that mean that I deserve what I got? No. We need to wake up to what's happening all around us every day Ireland, we need to stop blaming the victim and place it where it belongs. The perps need to be punished, the victims need to be supported.

Therapy Homework

I had therapy today, thank god, although I was feeling so sorry for myself that I didn't want to go. I went anyway and we spoke about what a crappy week I've had and that I was feeling angry and low. I find it hard to get my head around the fact that he has gotten away with it. I wish I could look him in the eye and say - you did this to me and it was not ok. She tried putting a cushion on the chair and pretending it was him but I just couldn't get the words out, number one I was scared and number two I felt pretty stupid talking to a cushion! So she asked me to write a letter to him. I like the idea but where do you start?! I've a feeling it'g going to be full of foul language etc. Not an easy exercise but something I really need to do I think......

10 months today

Today it is 10 months since it happened. I got to be honest I've been avoiding and hiding from all reminders of  what happened to me. I haven't wanted to face all the pain again since I came back from holidays but I guess to truly heal you have to face the pain head on. I had a counselling session today it was actually very positive. I'm learning to be kinder to myself and to look after myself a bit better.

Sometimes I still think, did this really happen to me? Sometimes it's still hard to believe. At the moment he is abroad at university but I'm worried now that summer is here that he will be back in the area and I'm so so afraid of bumping into him. The thought of it just paralysis me with fear.

I also found out another unbelievably disgusting thing about our justice system. I was speaking with a solicitor who is an advisor with the RCC in Dublin. I told her that I had appealed the DPP's decision not to prosecute and I wanted to know how long it would be before I heard anything. She informed me that basically that if they change their decision they will let you know but that it would take several months, she also said that if they stuck to their original decision which I'm sure they will then they will not respond to me. So basically the victim writes to them to appeal and if they change their minds they'll let you know but if they don't then they will not even bother to respond to your letter to tell you the outcome. I can't believe it, what an absolute joke. I'm here checking the mail every day to see if there is a letter from them which will probably never come. How absolutely insensitive and cruel.

So all in all I'm feeling pretty crappy. This time 10 months ago my life as I knew it ended.

Rape Crisis Network Ire. funding completely cut

I saw the statement on the RCNI's twitter page regarding the HSE (Ireland's Health System) decision to cut the funding of the work the RCNI does. At present the RCNI gathers vital information on statistics of all kinds of sexual violence. They use this information to provide information to the government to help steer the support for victims of sexual assault in  the right direction.

The information they gather is as accurate as it can be and it's independent. At the moment the RCNI gather data   using a web based system, the government want to cut their funding and us a paper system!!

I am absolutely terrified at the damage this will cause. Personally, I can't take much more disappointment from my country. Throughout this whole process I have been let down by my government several times but this isn't just about me, this is all the people who have experienced sexual violence and also about all the people, men, women and children who WILL experience sexual violence.

The RCNI asked that everyone send an email to the Minister for Health to intervene and change the decision. I have emailed him. Sadly, I don't think he's going to care.

Here's the lowdown on what's going on, I think I'm a bit too all over the place to explain it properly.

http://www.rcni.ie/uploads/TerminationOfFundingCallForUrgentAction.pdf

Back on track with Counselling

My therapist was on holidays so I had no counselling for two weeks. It was a tough two weeks and the timing just wasn't great. I had just found out that the DPP aren't going to prosecute him, I was also forced to take long term leave from work and move home to my parents for a while and it just felt like everything was falling apart.

I couldn't even speak or communicate with anyone. I didn't cope very well at all and it was basically a very very long two weeks, I felt like I was spiraling downhill very fast. I wasn't very nice to myself.

I can't help but think about all the time that has passed and some days you think you are a bit better and someday's you think that you are worse than ever. I suppose the main thing that I try to remember to keep me going is that it's not always going to be this bad. I just have to weather the storm and hope that I come through it ok.

I was back at therapy on Thursday and it really helped me get back on track. I was so nervous before it because I knew it was going to be hard and it was a very tough session, I was very raw after it but at the same time with each session I feel like I'm making a little step.

This journey is full of ups and downs and I'm overall an absolute mess but some days are better than others and today I feel thankful for the good days.

No matter where I turn

It seems like no matter where I turn things are against me. Why is it that there is nothing there to protect the victim. The law is there to protect the accused and when someone is willing to help the victim the law says that they can't. A TD (politician) wanted to support me in my appeal with the DPP but has been told by the DPP that he can't get involved because it would be inappropriate for a public representative to become involved.

So how am I supposed to try and get justice when I can't even go to my public representatives? No matter where I turn to try and get justice for what happened to me there is something that stops it.

No, we can't prosecute your attacker because he had been drinking and so had you.
No, we can't prosecute your attacker because you willingly were alone with him and said you let him kiss you.
No, we can't prosecute your attacker because you didn't scream.
No, you actually can't go to anyone to help you get justice, you can only write a letter to appeal and we will write back, that's it.
No, we can't meet with you to give you an explanation.

I've been so stupid and naive by thinking that by some miracle they will say we made a terrible mistake actually, we can see now that yes this was rape and we are going to give you your day in court.

Silly me, I'll just go back to feeling hopeless and let down and completely defeated once again. What's the point in fighting when you haven't a chance of winning.