Strong enough to fall apart

As you can tell from previous posts I am struggling a lot right now. I am having the worst nightmares I have ever had, the feelings from the nightmares stay with me for the rest of the day. I've been afraid to go asleep because I'm so afraid of what I might dream. I wake up screaming. Mostly the dreams are random. A bunch of very random, violent dreams but the feeling is always the same, I'm always terrified. It's hard to shake that off once you wake up.

I spoke to my therapist today about it and she somehow managed to turn it in to a positive. Basically, I am now mentally stronger which allows my mind to process more details of the full horror of the attack and the aftermath. Whilst I'm glad to be making another mini step forward I'm still scared of where this might lead. I'm scared all the time now, I have a constant feeling of panic, the jaw tension pain is back. I'm now getting nose bleeds. I thought as you moved forward things were supposed to get easier but apparently not. Fantastic! Just when you think your starting to come to terms with what happened you realize, eh no actually now the real fun begins. Now you really have to work hard to stay afloat. Great! Fun times ahead for me.

All this said, I am glad that I'm making steps forward even if it is making me feel so awful at least I'm not stuck    in the hell that is numbness. I am finally feeling something real. I'm still in there somewhere.

I did my homework

My T asked me to write a letter to my rapist and bring it in to our next session which is tomorrow. I put it off all week but I finally did it this evening. The thought of doing it scared me, I felt like a child being asked to face the monster under their bed. Now that I have it done I just feel exhausted. I resent having to go in to therapy to talk about it, I shouldn't have to. This shouldn't have happened! He should not have gotten away with it. I should have had my chance to face him for real and he should have been put in jail for what he did to me, for what he is still doing to me. When will all this end? Tell me it's going to get easier soon? I've a tension pain in my jaw, I haven't had that in a while and I'm back to grinding my teeth in my sleep. I need to get a mouth guard before my teeth fall out. I already need a million fillings. The impact this has had on me physically always surprises me. Hope I sleep tonight.

I was so scared

I don't know if it's because I got the decision from the DPP or if it's a result of therapy but I can't stop thinking about what happened and what I felt while it was happening. I keep getting flashbacks of both what was going on and what I was feeling at the time. I was so scared. So confused. I didn't know what to do or what was happening, it didn't register that it was rape, I just knew I wanted it to stop, I wanted the pain to stop. I wish I reacted differently, if I had would I have gotten away and saved myself from all this heartache? Why didn't I scream? Why was I so afraid of being embarrassed or being a 'drama queen'. My mind was racing so much, I remember thinking don't scream, don't over-react, this isn't happening all the while feeling so scared and thinking if this isn't happening then why am I so scared? And I could hear my phone going off and knew it was my friend looking for me. I knew she would be worried, she knows it isn't like me to wonder off for so long, but he wouldn't let me answer my phone, he pushed it out of my reach and pinned me down. I was so scared. My mind was screaming STOP STOP STOP but it only came out in a whisper, a quiet pleading stop stop stop over and over again while trying to squirm away from him because what he was doing was so painful, but I couldn't get away he held me down. I couldn't get away so I stopped fighting and he did what he did while my phone kept ringing and ringing.