Sunday, September 25, 2011

Dealing with the normal stuff

One thing that has really been tough to understand over the last year is my reaction to normal situations. For example work at the moment is a bit stressful between workload and a change in managers and some friction with people in work I find that I am extremely stressed at the situation. I'm having awful nightmares and am back to grinding my teeth in my sleep and have really bad jaw tension pain.

Before the rape a situation like this would stress me out but wouldn't affect me as badly as it is now. I'm finding it very difficult to de-stress after work and it's all beginning to take it's toll on me. I like to as best I can keep what I'm going through in my personal life out of my work life it's already been affected enough but it seems that  these days I can't seem to.

I'm worried that this will be my reaction to any kind of normal stress now. I used to be really good and being under pressure and dealing with stressful situations but now it seems that I can't handle a normal stressful situation anymore. I wonder if it will be like this forever?

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

How do you start to talk about it?

I was in therapy last week and couldn't really say much, we are at the point now where all that's left to talk about is the rape itself and I just can't go there yet. You would think that it's all we talk about but it's not. Yes it's a factor in every session but most of what we have been focusing on so far is issues from my childhood and building up my strength really. We were in the session last week and I just couldn't get the words out. The thought of talking about any part of it in a real way scares the hell out of me.

So far my coping mechanism is to talk about what happened in a disassociated way. When I do talk about it I have to keep it matter of fact as if I was talking about what I was going to have for dinner. When you actually try to get me to talk about it in any real way I freeze. 

I think that's why writing helps me but I know that I'm not going to really heal from this unless I talk about it. It's  just that when I do my head goes back there and I just panic and freeze. All my muscles tense up and I just want to run out of there. Then knowing that I'm not talking about it is making me worse because I know I have to do it. I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable. But I'm scared, I know I'm safe now but that doesn't help. 
I have no idea how to really start talking about it properly, about how I felt, about how scared I was. About how I feel about him getting away with it, about how scared I am that I'll bump in to him one day. 

If I start talking will I fall apart? Have I actually being doing OK recently or have I just been avoiding the whole thing? How do you actually start to put in to words what happened and how you felt? Is it best to just ignore it?

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Saying the word 'rape'

I haven't written anything in a while. I usually wait until I feel the urge to get something off my chest. I've been doing well recently. I'm functioning, I'm going to work and dealing with the day to day. Every now and again I just get an overwhelming sense of sadness, I got it today and it's the first time in a couple of weeks so I suppose I should be grateful for that.

Last week in therapy was the first time that I said the word rape in reference to myself. Normally when I talk about it I say something like 'when what happened happened' or something but I've never been able to say the words rape when referring to me. Even typing it now is hard.

I feel quite emotional today, I don't know why, this whole experience is such a rollercoaster.
I read something today on the RCNI's website, there was a walk organised and it was called 'Walk a mile in her shoes' and it struck a chord with me. If only people who judge and blame the victim ie. me could walk a mile in my shoes. If only my rapist could walk a mile in my shoes, would he be sorry for what he did to me then? Wishful thinking.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Galway Ireland Slutwalk

A Slutwalk has been organised in Galway for the 5th of October. Initially I was on the fence about the term slutwalk but having read the reasons behind the name I fully support it. Slutwalk began because a member of the Toronto Police in Canada remarked that women should avoid dressing like sluts to avoid being sexually assaulted.

It's this kind of narrow minded and frankly stupid remarks that have victims blaming themselves for someone else's violent acts. Anyone in Ireland reading this should do their best to attend.

I'll be there!