There were times when...

There have been so many many times through this whole experience when everything has just felt too overwhelming and all I've wanted to do is run. When I say many times I mean at least once a day. I'd imagine packing up and leaving and not saying anything to anyone. I'd day dream about this little peaceful cottage by a quiet remote beach where nobody would disturb you and where you could just rest and be.

I think from the moment it happened and for months and months afterwards I have felt like I'm constantly braced for another attack. You  know when you get a fright and you jump and then you relax when you realise it's ok, I haven't relaxed yet. I'm still braced and waiting. On red alert.

I can't wait till I relax and the constant fear goes away, and it's not just being afraid that you'll be attacked again it's being afraid that he'll come after me or that I'll fall apart or something. It's being afraid for yourself in every possible way. I think that's why I'm still disassociated from what happened which is a whole other story. I still find it hard to feel anything about what happened, I find it hard to get upset. I can't seem to accept that this is what's happened to me. Dissociation is crap.

Dealing with the normal stuff

One thing that has really been tough to understand over the last year is my reaction to normal situations. For example work at the moment is a bit stressful between workload and a change in managers and some friction with people in work I find that I am extremely stressed at the situation. I'm having awful nightmares and am back to grinding my teeth in my sleep and have really bad jaw tension pain.

Before the rape a situation like this would stress me out but wouldn't affect me as badly as it is now. I'm finding it very difficult to de-stress after work and it's all beginning to take it's toll on me. I like to as best I can keep what I'm going through in my personal life out of my work life it's already been affected enough but it seems that  these days I can't seem to.

I'm worried that this will be my reaction to any kind of normal stress now. I used to be really good and being under pressure and dealing with stressful situations but now it seems that I can't handle a normal stressful situation anymore. I wonder if it will be like this forever?

How do you start to talk about it?

I was in therapy last week and couldn't really say much, we are at the point now where all that's left to talk about is the rape itself and I just can't go there yet. You would think that it's all we talk about but it's not. Yes it's a factor in every session but most of what we have been focusing on so far is issues from my childhood and building up my strength really. We were in the session last week and I just couldn't get the words out. The thought of talking about any part of it in a real way scares the hell out of me.

So far my coping mechanism is to talk about what happened in a disassociated way. When I do talk about it I have to keep it matter of fact as if I was talking about what I was going to have for dinner. When you actually try to get me to talk about it in any real way I freeze. 

I think that's why writing helps me but I know that I'm not going to really heal from this unless I talk about it. It's  just that when I do my head goes back there and I just panic and freeze. All my muscles tense up and I just want to run out of there. Then knowing that I'm not talking about it is making me worse because I know I have to do it. I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable. But I'm scared, I know I'm safe now but that doesn't help. 

I have no idea how to really start talking about it properly, about how I felt, about how scared I was. About how I feel about him getting away with it, about how scared I am that I'll bump in to him one day. 

If I start talking will I fall apart? Have I actually being doing OK recently or have I just been avoiding the whole thing? How do you actually start to put in to words what happened and how you felt? Is it best to just ignore it?

Saying the word 'rape'

I haven't written anything in a while. I usually wait until I feel the urge to get something off my chest. I've been doing well recently. I'm functioning, I'm going to work and dealing with the day to day. Every now and again I just get an overwhelming sense of sadness, I got it today and it's the first time in a couple of weeks so I suppose I should be grateful for that.

Last week in therapy was the first time that I said the word rape in reference to myself. Normally when I talk about it I say something like 'when what happened happened' or something but I've never been able to say the words rape when referring to me. Even typing it now is hard.

I feel quite emotional today, I don't know why, this whole experience is such a rollercoaster.
I read something today on the RCNI's website, there was a walk organised and it was called 'Walk a mile in her shoes' and it struck a chord with me. If only people who judge and blame the victim ie. me could walk a mile in my shoes. If only my rapist could walk a mile in my shoes, would he be sorry for what he did to me then? Wishful thinking.

Galway Ireland Slutwalk

A Slutwalk has been organised in Galway for the 5th of October. Initially I was on the fence about the term slutwalk but having read the reasons behind the name I fully support it. Slutwalk began because a member of the Toronto Police in Canada remarked that women should avoid dressing like sluts to avoid being sexually assaulted.

It's this kind of narrow minded and frankly stupid remarks that have victims blaming themselves for someone else's violent acts. Anyone in Ireland reading this should do their best to attend.

I'll be there!

https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=208535032516935

What is going on with me?

I don't know what's going on with me the past couple of days but I'm feel so anxious and stressed. I feel like there is a huge pressure in my chest and don't understand why. I feel scared and vulnerable. I feel like I felt just after the attack. Like I'm locked in my own world of fear and panic and I don't know how to get out of it. I just can't shake this feeling and I don't know what it is.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I feel like all the strength I've built up over the past several months is being drained away. I don't know how to work through this feeling to get rid of it. I feel stuck.

It just seems to  be getting worse lately and I'm feeling too overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I can't wait for therapy this week. I feel like I'm going backwards. I hope this doesn't last.

If you are healing from sexual assault

If you healing from sexual assault and you get out of bed in the morning, You are doing well.

If you healing from sexual assault and you hold down a job, You are amazing.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you are still remotely pleasant to others, You are a lot nicer than me.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you cannot always be there for a friend, You are still a good friend and a strong enough person to know what is best for you.

If you are healing from sexual assault, and find it difficult to care for yourself, but still find the strength to care and love your family than you are strong as well.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you decide to tell your story, You are brave.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you decide that you are not ready to tell your story, You are also brave.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you cry daily or have nightmares, You are normal.

If you are healing from sexual assault and seeing happy, healthy people makes you sad, angry, jealous and worse, Join the club.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you decide to press charges against your perpetrator,
You have incredible courage.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you cannot or choose not to press charges against your perpetrator, Your perpetrator is still the one to blame, and you are smart for knowing what you can handle.

If you are healing from sexual assault and think that what happened was your fault, You are wrong, but you are not alone.

If you are healing from sexual assault and are jealous that some survivors put their abuser in jail, You are one of many.

If you are healing from sexual assault and feel like your significant other truly understands and is 100% supportive, He or she is rare and a keeper.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you have a good support system, It will help A LOT.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you don’t have enough people who understand what you are going through, I strongly recommend joining a support group.

If you are healing from sexual assault and were not believed or supported when you found the courage to tell, You still deserve to be heard, no matter how long ago it was.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you feel like you hate your body, Remember your spirit is held within your body.

If you are healing from sexual assault and feel painfully alone and isolated, Please know that there are thousands of people healing with you in spirit.

If you are healing from sexual assault and there are days where the only thing you are able to do is exist, Remember, we are existing with you till you can live again.

If you are healing from sexual assault but still looking to the future,
You are a survivor.

Oooh here comes the real anger!

I am feeling so angry! Like really angry! I want to beat someone up or do some damage or scream or something. I'm typing and my fingers are banging the keys! Oh how I've longed to feel like this. To not feel logical or not analise or think to much but to just f'ing feel something.

And this time I'm not angry at myself. I'm angry at him and the DPP and the stupid stupid stupid justice system and that evil evil man who hurt me so much and hurt my family and my friends. A man who has done so much damage to me. A man who violated me and degraded me and stole my dignity. A man who made me blame myself, hate myself and hurt myself and got away with all of it. Free to do it again.

I am absolutely raging today. How f'ing dare he do this to me. I didn't deserve that. I'm worth more that to be treated like that. Who did he think he was. AAaaaaaggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like getting a hatchet to chop some wood or something only I've no hatchet or no wood so I'll go to plan B and kick a football against the wall out in the garden.

I'm am soooooooo ANGRY. Who the hell did he think he was treating another human being like that. He's not human, he's scum. The scum of the earth. Scum!

What is normal?

I think about him a lot, more so lately. His face is in my head and the memories of that night are coming like vivid flashes. He's invading my sleep still. I had thought that I'd be past all this at this stage but obviously not. I'm having some of my worst nightmares lately.

I still feel like a victim when I think about him. I forget how far I've come and how much I've been through and it's just me and him in my mind and the terror I felt that night. The memories are so real that I can almost still feel the pain. The shock. The confusion. The fear. The feeling of helplessness. How it felt hearing all these people nearby but feeling so alone, trying to take back some control of the situation but failing miserably. The moment when I knew I was going nowhere until he was done. I can feel his teeth biting into my skin. I can feel his hands bruising me. I just wanted him to stop but he wouldn't. I remember thinking during it that my life was about to change, that a woman's worst nightmare was happening to me.

You don't realise until it happens to you just how devastating an act it is. When people say 'just get over it' or 'stop being a victim' or 'stop letting him win' but it's not as simple as that, if only it was. It takes a long time, longer than I'd like it to be but that's just the sad awful truth of it.

Will my life ever be normal again? What is normal? I've gone from being a mess of a person not able to function in normal life to now being a mess of a person able to function in normal life. Maybe that's normal?! At least I'm able to function now...baby steps I suppose.

Over the worst

Well I've passed the one year mark and am still intact. I find this week I'm having really bad nightmares about what happened. I'm waking up crying which isn't nice. It's hard to shake the feeling off then for the rest of the day so I've been a bit quiet this week. Other than that work is going really well thank god! I'm kicking ass and feel like my old self in there again.

I'm thinking about him alot lately and am feeling very angry and bitter towards him but I suppose that's normal! Don't feel like saying much today, there are lots of thoughts swirling around in my head and I just want to ignore them today. Taking a time out from trying to sort my head out, I need a break from it. I suppose I'm over the worst of it...am I?