Baby Steps

I feel like I'm going to crack any time now but I've felt like that for a long time, like I'm hanging on the edge of a cliff and one more gust of wind will knock me over. But when I say knock me over I mean make me fall on the ground and sob for all that I've lost and all that I have endured.

My brain has been blocking everything right now because I can't take anymore at the moment. I need a break from the pain. I am trying to look after myself and not to behave in an unhealthy way. I don't want to act out or do anything stupid. I'm just very composed and that's almost a little bit scary, although I have had some stupid moments.

I do have to acknowledge how far I've come though. When I think back to where I was 3 months ago or 6 months ago I was in a very different place. I wouldn't say it's easier now but I would say that it's different and that I have made steps forward however small. That gives me hope that things will get easier someday and I will make more steps forward. There have been a couple of backward steps but I think I'll focus on the little steps forward I've made. I've spent long enough hating myself and beating myself up over everything. I still say to myself - 'every day I'm going to TRY to be a little more positive than the day before'.

I'm still heartbroken though...