I had a therapy session today. It's only recently that we have actually started talking about what happened. I've been very frustrated at not being able to feel anything. I remember what happened and I remember how it felt but I'm completely disassociated from it still. I feel very little about it and everything that happened afterwards, the statement, the rape kit, it all feels like a movie, like I've watched it happen from somewhere else.
It is so difficult to deal with the disassociation because on an intellectual level I know that I was raped. I know this happened to me (wow that was hard to even type!) but I still can't feel like it. So far I have been dealing mostly with the symptoms of what happened, PTSD, panic, anxiety, depression etc. I can't seem to believe, understand and accept what happened.
When it was happening my brain went somewhere else, it was running at 100 miles an hour, I kept thinking this isn't happening, what should I do, how can I make it stop, should I scream, should I scratch him, what should I do?? And when I realised that I couldn't get away my mind went somewhere else and it still hasn't fully come back yet. There is a huge gap between associating what happened and accepting that it was actually me it happened to.
My therapist today said that all this is normal, even after over a year later. What happened was so awful and so traumatic that this is 'How I survived'. And it's still how I'm surviving and that's OK. I need to be patient with myself. It's just hard to be because I just want for it not to have happened to me and I want to have my life back. I want to be me again, I don't want to be separated from any part of myself any more. I don't want to be afraid of how I'm going to feel when I finally accept what happened. I just want to be me again. I don't want to be me the girl who was raped. I just want to be me. I want this nightmare journey to end.
Sending you love, strength and healing prayers...
ReplyDeleteFrances
Dear one here listening....... ((((Safe hugs))))
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ReplyDeleteIs a link to my blog about being a survivor
It has been 8 months since I was raped ( I type those words hesitantly, though it is almost impossible to speak them out loud, I feel like I am obsessing and cant move on as I search the web for understanding or comfort or a reason why, or whatever it is I am looking for. Then today I found your blog and I feel as though someone has been reading my mind. I feel understanding. I cant complain really, ive had an awesome group of supporters between husband, family, and friends. But honestly they don't understand and they just want me to be "me" again. I'm not sure if that is a possibility. You said "When it was happening my brain went somewhere else, it was running at 100 miles an hour, I kept thinking this isn't happening, what should I do, how can I make it stop, should I scream, should I scratch him (or them in my case), what should I do?? And when I realized that I couldn't get away my mind went somewhere else and it still hasn't fully come back yet.". Im not sure I could ever have found those word but that was and is me.
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