Therapy Homework

I had therapy today, thank god, although I was feeling so sorry for myself that I didn't want to go. I went anyway and we spoke about what a crappy week I've had and that I was feeling angry and low. I find it hard to get my head around the fact that he has gotten away with it. I wish I could look him in the eye and say - you did this to me and it was not ok. She tried putting a cushion on the chair and pretending it was him but I just couldn't get the words out, number one I was scared and number two I felt pretty stupid talking to a cushion! So she asked me to write a letter to him. I like the idea but where do you start?! I've a feeling it'g going to be full of foul language etc. Not an easy exercise but something I really need to do I think......

I was so scared

I don't know if it's because I got the decision from the DPP or if it's a result of therapy but I can't stop thinking about what happened and what I felt while it was happening. I keep getting flashbacks of both what was going on and what I was feeling at the time. I was so scared. So confused. I didn't know what to do or what was happening, it didn't register that it was rape, I just knew I wanted it to stop, I wanted the pain to stop. I wish I reacted differently, if I had would I have gotten away and saved myself from all this heartache? Why didn't I scream? Why was I so afraid of being embarrassed or being a 'drama queen'. My mind was racing so much, I remember thinking don't scream, don't over-react, this isn't happening all the while feeling so scared and thinking if this isn't happening then why am I so scared? And I could hear my phone going off and knew it was my friend looking for me. I knew she would be worried, she knows it isn't like me to wonder off for so long, but he wouldn't let me answer my phone, he pushed it out of my reach and pinned me down. I was so scared. My mind was screaming STOP STOP STOP but it only came out in a whisper, a quiet pleading stop stop stop over and over again while trying to squirm away from him because what he was doing was so painful, but I couldn't get away he held me down. I couldn't get away so I stopped fighting and he did what he did while my phone kept ringing and ringing.

Hiding

I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm just hiding in my room. I don't feel like eating. I'm completely hiding from everyone, I'm not answering calls or leaving my room. I can feel myself sinking.

Pain, Pain go away

Aaaah, I'm in so much pain. How much can one person take? I can't believe he did this to me and there are no consequences for him. I keep thinking of the things he did to me and the true horror of it is getting clearer and clearer. I can't cope. How did this happen? How did my life get to this? I'm trying to be positive but do you know what I don't feel like being positive today. I just want to be someone else for a day or even an hour. Just a little break from it all. It's more than 10 months on and still every time I take a step forward I take 2 huge steps back. I'm desperate for someone to come along and make it all go away but it's not happening. When will good things happen? When is it my turn for a bit of happiness? I can't even remember what it feels like to be happy. I'm so afraid I'm going to turn in to this bitter twisted person. Hat's off to anyone who has been through anything like this and actually survived and came through it intact. It's truly indescribable how absolutely heartbreaking and painful this is. I want to fall asleep and not wake up, isn't that awful that someone could hurt somebody so much that they want to die and they just go on living there life as if nothing happened. What kind of world are we living in.

The appeal to prosecute him as been denied

I got the letter today from the DPP with the response from my appeal at their decision not to prosecute my rapist. Yes my RAPIST, he f'ing RAPED me and he gets away with it. That's it now it's final. There's nothing more I can do to get justice for what he did to me. For all the things he did to me during those two hours. It just baffles me, from the evidence we had you would all but need a video recording of what happened. What was in his statement that was so convincing? His only defence was drink, I mean please are you serious? Alcohol doesn't turn you into a violent rapist. I have no idea what to do now or where to turn, there is nothing left only me and my thoughts and my nightmares and my pain oh and lets not forget the fear, that's the big one, that's the paralising thing, that's what makes you want to run away and hide from the world. Fear.

I had plans with my friends this evening, don't think I'm much company. Think I'll go back to the safety of my bed and not get out of it for a while. I'm tired of it all, tired of fighting to get my life back, tired of trying to not let the fear overcome me, tired of not letting the pain get me down. Tired of trying not to be a victim but I am. That's what I am. I'm not me anymore I'm his victim. He won - again.

Got a letter from the DPP regarding my appeal

I just got a letter from the DPP regarding my appeal. I can't read it, I read the first line and that's it. I feel sick. There's proper information in it. Whatever it says means that it's final, over. No hope for justice for me. I'm shaking and feel sick to my stomach. My housemate's here, I might get him to open it and tell me the gist of it. Help help help help.

Triggered Today

For some reason today some of the events of that night keep flashing in my mind, more so than on other days, and I was doing so well and all, had a really nice few days just being normal with my friends grrr. Certain aspects   of the rape and some of the things that he did to me keep coming into my mind, it's making me feel panicky and scared. I can't stop thinking about him either, where is he? Is he back in the country? What if I bump into him? Part of me wants to so I can scream at him and punch him but that probably wouldn't happen, I'd probably just freeze.

The flashes are very vivid, more so than any I've had before. This must be a new part of it. I wonder if this is normal. It probably is. He hurt me alot, for over 2 hours. I couldn't get him to stop. Bastard. I hope he rots in hell. Never felt anger like this before. At least it's anger at him this time and not myself. Bastard. The things he did to me. Bastard.

Sorry if my language offends.

Confusing day

Today is a confusing day, I'm feeling a bit better lately but I feel quite angry at the same time, at the moment I'm really angry that I can't get justice for what happened to me. It was really wrong what he did, he has destroyed me and nobody is going to stand up and say, yes this was wrong and we aren't going to let him get away with but nobody is. How can that be?

Do I not deserve justice? Am I not worthy of it? There are so so many things wrong with the justice system it's scary. This is something that I am really struggling with right now and I don't know how to get past it, how to accept it and how to move on. If I can't face him how do I get closure? Is there ever any closure?

'Coming out of the woods'

In my therapy session this week my counsellor said that I was coming out of the woods. You usually hear that when someone is sick, so coming out of the woods, what does that mean for me? Does that mean I am becoming a survivor? What an absolutely amazing thing. To have experienced something so absolutely devastatingly horrific and to actually possibly survive it. I never ever thought I'd see the day where I would be 'coming out of the woods' I really didn't. It's still hard and it's still awful, words can't describe how painful and life shattering it is but to actually survive it and come out somewhat intact, I no longer feel like my life is over. I hope I stay feeling like this.

10 months today

Today it is 10 months since it happened. I got to be honest I've been avoiding and hiding from all reminders of  what happened to me. I haven't wanted to face all the pain again since I came back from holidays but I guess to truly heal you have to face the pain head on. I had a counselling session today it was actually very positive. I'm learning to be kinder to myself and to look after myself a bit better.

Sometimes I still think, did this really happen to me? Sometimes it's still hard to believe. At the moment he is abroad at university but I'm worried now that summer is here that he will be back in the area and I'm so so afraid of bumping into him. The thought of it just paralysis me with fear.

I also found out another unbelievably disgusting thing about our justice system. I was speaking with a solicitor who is an advisor with the RCC in Dublin. I told her that I had appealed the DPP's decision not to prosecute and I wanted to know how long it would be before I heard anything. She informed me that basically that if they change their decision they will let you know but that it would take several months, she also said that if they stuck to their original decision which I'm sure they will then they will not respond to me. So basically the victim writes to them to appeal and if they change their minds they'll let you know but if they don't then they will not even bother to respond to your letter to tell you the outcome. I can't believe it, what an absolute joke. I'm here checking the mail every day to see if there is a letter from them which will probably never come. How absolutely insensitive and cruel.

So all in all I'm feeling pretty crappy. This time 10 months ago my life as I knew it ended.