It's been a while

It's been a while since I've posted. The main reason for it because I just had nothing to say. I haven't wanted to face or deal with anything that has happened. I've also being having a very difficult time at work and it's been quite stressful. Sometimes when things are really bad I can't find the words so I just don't say anything.

I'm on a week off work because of stress. I hate this I have never been that type of person but here I am. I've no idea how I got to this place. I've had a couple of breakthroughs in therapy where I faced some tough feelings. I've always been bad at looking after my emotional self, I've always just buried everything so it's been tough to open up and it's taking a long time. I'm getting a bit better at it though. Sometimes I still think how did this happen to me even though it's been a year and a half. It's seems like such a long time but it's gone by in the blink of an eye. I can't even remember most of it.

At least it's another step if I've started to write something again. I want to be able to let go of this and put it behind me, I don't know if that's even possible but I would just like it to stop hurting so much.

Happy Christmas Rapist

Dear Rapist

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I finished up in work today for the holidays. The only thing is I'm more looking forward to just having a break from struggling every day. A break from getting up for work and putting on a face and just functioning. Because you see, what you did to me means that I can't be like a normal person right now. Just functioning day to day is exhausting because I'm carrying you and what you did around with me every day. I'll go home and I'll joke and laugh and spend time with my family and friends and do all the normal Christmas things but you will always be there through every second of it.

You've no idea how exhausting that is. I can't let go of any of it, I can't let go of the pain, I'm still absorbed by you and what you did. I want to let it go but I can't seem to. You just got away with it. I never got to face you. Your life is fine, going on as normal, do you ever think about what you did? Are you in any way sorry? I'm literally shattered. I want you to hurt like I'm hurting now, like I've been hurting all this time. 

Nobody around me knows how bad things are for me, I'm great at hiding it all away. I can't bare to look at myself through their eyes. It makes it all too real. I just wish I could hide it from myself. 

You won't beat me though, I'll get there eventually. You may have won that night but I won't let you keep winning. I'll get there, I'll find peace. I'll find me again.

Just say it!

It's been a while since I've written anything. I find it hard these days. I don't know why. I'm finding it really hard to accept what happened, after everything I've been through in the last year and a bit I still can't accept what happened. I can't call it what it is, I can't say it at all. The words won't come out of my mouth. Why can't I just say it...'i was raped'..'i was raped'..'i was raped'..no i can't say it, i can barely write it. It still all feels like a movie in my head. My mind can't seem to connect to the fact that this actually happened to  me. It's not a movie, it's not a bad dream it's reality. I find myself keeping away from anything that reminds me of it like twitter and this blog and pandys.org and friends I have met online who have supported me because it reminds me. It makes me face the reality of what happened and I'm afraid to face it. It was so much easier when I blamed myself.

Why can't I just accept that he raped me, that he knew I didn't want it and he did it anyway. Ofcourse he knew it's not like I didn't fight, so it's rape then..just say it..'i was raped'. Nope still can't.

Does it ever get any easier?! I want to lie down and sleep and not wake up. I'm so tired of it all.

It's not normal!

Do you have those conversations with you friends/family who in trying to say the right thing just say the wrong thing. I had a conversation today with one of them after a really tough therapy session and I was explaining how I was feeling, now it's actually not that often that I speak to them about it anymore, I just don't bother and just keep everything for my therapist and tonight I was reminded why!

I was explaining to her that I had a tough session and was telling her that I was really really triggered for the first time one night last week and that my therapist said that this was part of the healing process, well anyway my friend said yes it's all normal and you'll get there and the way she said it I found really patronising, I know that she would never mean to come across that way but sometimes I feel like saying to people - don't tell me what I'm feeling or that it's normal or whatever, you don't know..you don't know what's this is like and just because something is 'normal' doesn't mean that it's not absolute hell to go through, it's painful, hard, frustrating, scary, soul destroying, life destroying so sorry but it's not bloody normal. It's might be a 'normal' reaction to a completely and hugely abnormal situation but it's by no means normal!

Just listen to me and give me a hug if I need it, don't just brush it off and tell me it's normal and it will be all better some day because sorry, none of this is ever going to be normal to me!

Panic Attack

Am having the worst panic attack, writing always makes me feel better so I'm going to write until calm is restored. I feel like I can't breathe. It's the middle of the night. I can't sleep. I'm in bed. If I lie on my side I'm getting flashes of lying on my side for  a moment after it happened. If I lie on my back I can feel him on me. I feel like I'm back there. But I'm not I'm safe so just breathe. I'm safe. I'm at home, I'm not alone. He is not here. It's over. I'm safe now. This is a new feeling. The tears are pouring down my face. Memories are just flashing through my mind and I feel like I am back there. I feel like screaming, I didn't scream that night but I feel like screaming now. I can feel everything he did to me. I can almost feel the pain of all of it. I feel sick.

Calm down it's over, your safe. Just breathe. It's ok. Your going to be ok. He can't hurt you anymore. You got away, your safe, it's over now. You survived. Just breathe and think good thoughts.

How I Survived

I had a therapy session today. It's only recently that we have actually started talking about what happened. I've been very frustrated at not being able to feel anything. I remember what happened and I remember how it felt but I'm completely disassociated from it still. I feel very little about it and everything that happened afterwards, the statement, the rape kit, it all feels like a movie, like I've watched it happen from somewhere else.

It is so difficult to deal with the disassociation because on an intellectual level I know that I was raped. I know this happened to me (wow that was hard to even type!) but I still can't feel like it. So far I have been dealing mostly with the symptoms of what happened, PTSD, panic, anxiety, depression etc. I can't seem to believe, understand and accept what happened.

When it was happening my brain went somewhere else, it was running at 100 miles an hour, I kept thinking this isn't happening, what should I do, how can I make it stop, should I scream, should I scratch him, what should I do?? And when I realised that I couldn't get away my mind went somewhere else and it still hasn't fully come back yet. There is a huge gap between associating what happened and accepting that it was actually me it happened to.

My therapist today said that all this is normal, even after over a year later. What happened was so awful and so traumatic that this is 'How I survived'. And it's still how I'm surviving and that's OK. I need to be patient with myself. It's just hard to be because I just want for it not to have happened to me and I want to have my life back. I want to be me again, I don't want to be separated from any part of myself any more. I don't want to be afraid of how I'm going to feel when I finally accept what happened. I just want to be me again. I don't want to be me the girl who was raped. I just want to be me. I want this nightmare journey to end.

A little bit of history about a guy I met

It's been a while since I've written anything. There has been quite a bit going on.

Firstly, my jaw pain came back for quite a bit and it kind of left me exhausted. Work is pretty stressful at the moment. I think the main reason I haven't been able to write anything is because therapy is getting pretty intense and I don't want it to, I want it all to go away and avoid everything. My therapist says I need to talk more. I just feel stuck at the moment, I'm terrified of talking about it, I'm afraid of going back there in my mind.

The other big thing that happened is I HAD A DATE! With a guy, like a real date. Oh my god it was traumatic.

I'll start from the beginning of the story of how the date came about because it's there's a bit of history to it.
About two weeks before what happened happened I met a guy who I got on really well with, we exchanged numbers and were texting every day and were almost at the point of arranging a date when IT happened. When it happened I remember feeling absolutely gutted that I wouldn't be able to meet this guy because I knew I wouldn't be able for it. I even tried being normal with him and texting as normal because I didn't want him to think I didn't like him. This is what shock does to you. I mean I remember texting him trying to be normal with him on my way back from getting the rape kit done. I remember he was texting me on the way to give my statement. It was crazy, at the time I was in such shock that I think I was trying to hold on to something normal and this was normal for me. Anyway, this trying to be normal didn't last long. I couldn't keep it up any more and I didn't want him to think I was giving him the brush off because he seemed like a really nice guy and we got on.

So...I decided to tell him the truth about what happened so I sent him an email explaining that I had hoped that we would meet up but that I had been attacked and didn't think I'd be able to meet up with him after all and that I thought I would just be honest with him rather than make something up. Anyway, he mailed me back saying he was sorry for what happened and to think of him as a friend at least, he was very nice. We kept in contact for a while but it dwindled out. A couple of weeks ago we got back in contact and he asked if he could cook me dinner, he made it very easy and comfortable, as in he cooked me dinner and brought it to my house for us to eat together, we watched a movie then. (My housemate was in the house the whole time, he seems like a nice guy but I wasn't about to be alone in a house with him!) Anyway we were both a bit nervous but we had a nice time.

The next day - yesterday, I was an emotional wreck, for the first time in months I couldn't stop crying. I don't know why, I don't know if it's because I like him and want to see him again or because I'm afraid or because I'm feeling sorry for myself because I can't have a normal interaction with a guy or because of the history that's there or because I'm not ready. I don't know. I don't know why I was so upset, it was a perfectly nice evening.

Maybe I'm not ready and am better off being by myself.

There were times when...

There have been so many many times through this whole experience when everything has just felt too overwhelming and all I've wanted to do is run. When I say many times I mean at least once a day. I'd imagine packing up and leaving and not saying anything to anyone. I'd day dream about this little peaceful cottage by a quiet remote beach where nobody would disturb you and where you could just rest and be.

I think from the moment it happened and for months and months afterwards I have felt like I'm constantly braced for another attack. You  know when you get a fright and you jump and then you relax when you realise it's ok, I haven't relaxed yet. I'm still braced and waiting. On red alert.

I can't wait till I relax and the constant fear goes away, and it's not just being afraid that you'll be attacked again it's being afraid that he'll come after me or that I'll fall apart or something. It's being afraid for yourself in every possible way. I think that's why I'm still disassociated from what happened which is a whole other story. I still find it hard to feel anything about what happened, I find it hard to get upset. I can't seem to accept that this is what's happened to me. Dissociation is crap.

Dealing with the normal stuff

One thing that has really been tough to understand over the last year is my reaction to normal situations. For example work at the moment is a bit stressful between workload and a change in managers and some friction with people in work I find that I am extremely stressed at the situation. I'm having awful nightmares and am back to grinding my teeth in my sleep and have really bad jaw tension pain.

Before the rape a situation like this would stress me out but wouldn't affect me as badly as it is now. I'm finding it very difficult to de-stress after work and it's all beginning to take it's toll on me. I like to as best I can keep what I'm going through in my personal life out of my work life it's already been affected enough but it seems that  these days I can't seem to.

I'm worried that this will be my reaction to any kind of normal stress now. I used to be really good and being under pressure and dealing with stressful situations but now it seems that I can't handle a normal stressful situation anymore. I wonder if it will be like this forever?

How do you start to talk about it?

I was in therapy last week and couldn't really say much, we are at the point now where all that's left to talk about is the rape itself and I just can't go there yet. You would think that it's all we talk about but it's not. Yes it's a factor in every session but most of what we have been focusing on so far is issues from my childhood and building up my strength really. We were in the session last week and I just couldn't get the words out. The thought of talking about any part of it in a real way scares the hell out of me.

So far my coping mechanism is to talk about what happened in a disassociated way. When I do talk about it I have to keep it matter of fact as if I was talking about what I was going to have for dinner. When you actually try to get me to talk about it in any real way I freeze. 

I think that's why writing helps me but I know that I'm not going to really heal from this unless I talk about it. It's  just that when I do my head goes back there and I just panic and freeze. All my muscles tense up and I just want to run out of there. Then knowing that I'm not talking about it is making me worse because I know I have to do it. I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable. But I'm scared, I know I'm safe now but that doesn't help. 

I have no idea how to really start talking about it properly, about how I felt, about how scared I was. About how I feel about him getting away with it, about how scared I am that I'll bump in to him one day. 

If I start talking will I fall apart? Have I actually being doing OK recently or have I just been avoiding the whole thing? How do you actually start to put in to words what happened and how you felt? Is it best to just ignore it?