Thursday, November 10, 2011

It's not normal!

Do you have those conversations with you friends/family who in trying to say the right thing just say the wrong thing. I had a conversation today with one of them after a really tough therapy session and I was explaining how I was feeling, now it's actually not that often that I speak to them about it anymore, I just don't bother and just keep everything for my therapist and tonight I was reminded why!

I was explaining to her that I had a tough session and was telling her that I was really really triggered for the first time one night last week and that my therapist said that this was part of the healing process, well anyway my friend said yes it's all normal and you'll get there and the way she said it I found really patronising, I know that she would never mean to come across that way but sometimes I feel like saying to people - don't tell me what I'm feeling or that it's normal or whatever, you don't know..you don't know what's this is like and just because something is 'normal' doesn't mean that it's not absolute hell to go through, it's painful, hard, frustrating, scary, soul destroying, life destroying so sorry but it's not bloody normal. It's might be a 'normal' reaction to a completely and hugely abnormal situation but it's by no means normal!

Just listen to me and give me a hug if I need it, don't just brush it off and tell me it's normal and it will be all better some day because sorry, none of this is ever going to be normal to me!

14 comments:

  1. It's not normal. We are not normal and will never be normal...and that's okay. Who wants normal anyways. People who don't know what this is don't know how to react to us. Hang in there You aren't alone in this.

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  2. I know exactly how you feel, I was sexually abused by my father 10 months ago, and my family has been trying the best they can to deal with it. But it's just so hard, because they always try not to trigger me or do or say anything that will trigger me. But I feel whenever they open their mouths to say something about what happened or try to make me feel better, it's like nothing comes out right and I just nod my head and walk away and try not to take it so personally.

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    1. People who have not experienced betrayal are rarely equipped to recognize or extend an appropriate response to you. I don't know whether you have sought the help of a professional or not, but you should.

      The person you were is not retrievable. Innocense is not something that can ever return. And mourning your loss of innocense is something you need to do. You need help getting through that greiving process.

      No matter how benign or excessive your fahter's touch was, it was his betrayal of you that is the most difficult aspect to heal.

      You need to know that no father has the right to touch his child in a sexual way. Men who do so are disturbed. The fact that you have been vocal about his doing so shows a tremendous strength on your part.

      peaking out will help to empower you no matter what the other person thinks of what you say. What they are reflecting to you is their own experience. Some people have empathy. Others don't. Don't let their lack of empathy stand in the way of your recovery. Avoid people who do not emotionally support you.

      Some people will believe your side of things, some won't. Some will be compassionate, some won't. Life is comprised of jerks and non-jerks.

      Don't expect to be the same as you were. You will, however, be able to take pride in the person you become. And you will find strength in your ability to become that person.

      I wish you the best in your struggle to find peace.

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  3. I know what you mean. I have friends who are supportive but some comments that they make with the intention of being helpful really offend me. One told me I'm too obsessed with what happened to me and after that I didnt feel comfortable talking to any of them about it.

    Some tell me I should move on and forget about it, and things like I have to learn to trust guys again..

    yeah its not normal and we prob wont be normal again as Rebecca said. And there really isnt anything wrong with that.

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  4. I've come to believe that there's the new normal for me. The normal of post-trauma. I've also come to the understanding that most folks who haven't gone through it, just don't get it. They wish I were silent about it.... including my son who is the product of rape by deceit.

    It's gut wrenching and has caused a terrible rift between us. It's devastating that my own child has been alienated by the psychopath that created him. He is incredibly wealthy. He was a deadbeat and gouged my finances by failing to pay child support for two decades.My son sees nothing wrong with that. For me to expect amends from his father is a "sickness" on my part.

    He is punishing me with no contact so that I don't interfere with his father's (or should I say his benefactor's)life. Thank God for anti-depressants!

    People identify that a victim was violently raped by the bruises on their bodies. When a predator lies to coerce someone into sex, rape laws do not apply. It's a criminal act to defraud a person of a possession or asset, but to defraud a person of their sexual integrity is not punishable in most states. In the states that laws exist, they are not known or utilized.

    I'm writing a book on this subject and would be interested in hearing from others who were victims of rape by fraud. If the predator who raped you did so by lying to you about who he was, please let me know. jmincheff@gmail.com

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  5. It never should be normal it should never be a normal thing to experience !!! I hate some peoples reactions to how I act because of my rape ! I do not want it to be expect for me to panic at a touch I don't want people to tell me they understand or they are so sorry !!! I am so sorry too but I have to deal with it everyday ! Hope therapy is helping ! And things begin to get better for you !

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  6. I'm so sorry. I was raped in 2006 and it's still hard. Now, i have a husband and 2 children but at night i still have a hard time. I did a short time of counseling in 2006 but started counseling today at our local rape crisis center. I go back sept 6. if u ever need to talk, msg me im here for yall

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  7. I am sorry, I do not know what it is like because I refuse to talk about it. Only my husband knows, and a few others as the man was prosecuted and found guilty. But they do not know it was me. I have never had the guts to tell anyone for fear of their reaction. I am angry all the time, still, it haunts me and will not ever let me go. It happens to so many, so I try not to feel bad for myself because I survived and he got caught, and I am lucky for that. But deep inside I am so angry at him for steeling everything from my soul. You are brave to talk about it.

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  8. I just had this conversation with someone.. You're not alone in this feeling

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  9. I know exactly how you feel. The decision to talk to people about what your ordeal is a very difficult one. I get very angry at myself, and the world, for the fact that I feel ashamed of the actions of somebody else against me, so I rebel against that by wanting to shout from the rooftops that I was raped and that its not ok and its not my fault and I refuse to carry the shame that belongs to my rapist. Unfortunately this can often make people uncomfortable and many people treat me differently when they know that I am a rape survivor. Even if they dont treat me differently, I feel differenty when I see them, knowing that they know this about me. Its a double edged sword- to stand up for myself by refusing to be a victim, and face the isolation and alienation that may come with it; or to try to keep as much of my life unchanged as I can by not telling people what happened to me, which just perpetuates the myth that by being raped, I have done something to be ashamed of.

    Thankyou very much for writing this blog, so so much of what you've written resonates with my own experience and it helps alot to know that Im not alone in how Im feeling. What you're doing, by speaking out about your ordeal is not only helping yourself, and helping other survivors, but its also helping to dispel the stigma associated with sexual abuse.
    Kia kaha xo

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  10. Read this ebook from laurie halsen titled speak here http://downloadspeakebook.blogspot.com/. This story is all about a rape victim.

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