Monday, February 28, 2011

Bad Day

Very tough day today im back at work and I don't feel able for it. It takes so much energy to put the face on and considering how im feeling at the moment I just feel like I dont have the energy for it.

I just want to be at home putting my energies towards getting myself better. I had awful nightmares too last night. I just want some peace. I'm so tired from trying to hold it all together, I don't know what to do.

Sunday, February 27, 2011


It seems strange and alien to actually have some hope but this last couple of days I have felt the hope that things for me might one day not be so awful. Don't get me wrong I am still struggling an awful lot. I have to go back to work on Monday after being told to take the last week off because I was so bad and the truth is I don't want to go back I want to stay off work in my own little bubble, if only I had the money! But I don't so somehow I have to put the face on and go in to work and it is so exhausting. But still I do feel that there is hope that things might possibly get a little easier in time. I've been struggling for so long with the logical part of my brain that tells me that it was never your fault, no means no, this is what I have been brought up to believe but the me that I am now..the R victim blames herself and is disgusted at herself for letting this happen. This is what I'm battling with, the part of my brain that on one level knows that if I take myself out of the situation and looks at it will say that I did everything I could and then there's the R victim part of me that says you should have done more or you shouldn't have done this or you brought it on yourself and I still don't know which part will win all I know is that I want my life back. I miss my old life and I hate what my life is now. Still it's nice to have a bit of hope for a change. 

Friday, February 25, 2011

It might not have been my fault

I am going to a new therapist because my old one was really bad...some people shouldn't be therapists. Anyway I had my second session this week with this new woman and I had a bit of a breakthrough. I've been struggling for the last 7 months with blaming myself. Everyone tells me that it's not my fault but I've always blamed myself for both putting myself in the situation and for not fighting harder to get away.

It was explained to me this week that the different parts of the brain and basically the front part of your brain is the part where there you think and feel and use logic and then there's a deeper part which is the oldest part of the brain, this holds your survivor instincts and basically when you are faced with a traumatic and dangerous situation the front part of your brain shuts down and a bit hay wired and the deeper part of your brain the survival part kicks in and tells the rest of your brain and your body to do do what you can to survive. This makes so much sense to me because I fought and tried to get away but when it hit me that I wasn't going to get away I just thought do what you need to get away to where it's safe again.

I have never been able to understand why I did that, surely I should have kept fighting but I gave up after over an hour of fighting him. When she explained this it was a huge revelation to me, all along I've felt like the biggest fraud and that I should be the one to go to jail not him but now it could mean that I'm not that bad a person who would let this happen to her and maybe just maybe one day I might forgive myself and stop hating myself so much. 

Thursday, February 24, 2011

not coping

I've had to take more time off work because im not coping. Im so fucking sick of this shit. I want to get myself back and Im doing everything I can why else would I be writing this blog, so I can get what's in my head out but nothing seems to be helping.

I cant even cry, nearly 7 months on and I cant even cry. I know there are so many emotions buried deep deep down but I cant seem to get to them.

Im so few up and im so afraid that I wont be able for work. Ive worked really hard to build my career and im so afraid that I wont be able for work anymore and its all I have left. I actually have nothing else and if he takes that from me too then im afraid of what that will do to me.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Can't get out of bed today

I can't seem to get out of bed today. I just don't want to. I feel rotten today and want to lie down and for it all to go away but it never will. I don't want to talk to anyone. I feel really anxious and panicky. What ever way I slept last night I must have been having nightmares but I must have being biting down on my tongue and lips last night in my sleep they are all cut. I hope I don't have any nightmares tonight. I can't cope with feeling like this for much longer. There's no end to it. It just keeps getting worse and worse. 

Struggling for breath

I'm quite upset tonight. I'm not tearful as I'm still not able to cry I just feel upset and I wish I had someone to talk to, someone who understands. Someone here beside me to give me a gentle safe hug and tell me that everything is going to be ok. I know I'm very lucky to have the support that I do but tonight I just want to be comforted like a child. I feel very alone and struggling to find my breath. I'm doing breathing exercises to try and help it but today is the kind of day that I resent having to do it because before this happened to me I would never of had this panic feeling and so would not need to do any breathing exercises. 

I wonder does that mean that I'm going to get angry soon. That would be good, maybe that would mean that I might stop blaming myself although I can't ever see that happening. I wish my Mammy was here. I feel so alone and so so afraid. 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Not a bad couple of days

This week hasn't been the worst week. I think the weekend at home helped me alot. I'm so lucky to have the love and support of my family. I'm starting with a new therapist tomorrow. I had to stop going to my previous one because she wasn't very good and because she asked me for one of my anti anxiety meds (that's a whole other story). So now I have to start with a new therapist all over again and I'm extremely nervous. We'll see how it goes but I hope she's better than the last. I need to start feeling like I'm getting better and not jumping from bad days and weeks to good days (no full good weeks yet!) I'm trying to build myself up for the decision of the DPP as to whether they are going to prosecute him or not, I should hear any day now but I've been told that for the last 2 months so who knows when I will hear. Anyway I'm not going to think about that now, I'm just relieved and thankful that I've had a few days of feeling a bit better and enjoy it while it lasts. Maybe if I'm lucky I'll have some nice dreams tonight although maybe I'm pushing my luck!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Back to real life

I'm back at in my own place, back in work. The weekend with my family was exactly what I needed. I have had a couple of days where I haven't been too bad and it's a huge relief. Also with that is the guilt of having a good day because I feel like I don't deserve to have one. I know logically this is crazy but I can't help thinking this way. I need to get my head on straight! I hate how much I hate myself and who I've turned into. Being this new vulnerable, scared, self loathing person is so alien to me, I'm used to being bubbly and happy but instead I am now this other person who I don't know and don't like. 

Sunday, February 13, 2011

It's been a couple of days

It's been a couple of days since I've wrote anything. A lot has happened this week but I won't go into to much detail, I had an awful week but I'm at home for the weekend in my parents house and I feel a bit safer here. I don't want to go back to my own place but I have to. I wish I could stay in this safe bubble forever. 

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Has anyone got a time machine?

6 months on and I still find myself thinking - I can't believe this happened. I mean I knew there was evil out there but I experienced it first hand. I looked into his eyes begging him to stop but when I did there was no soul there. I will never forget that moment. That was the moment I knew that I was getting out until he got what he wanted and the more I fought and the more I pleaded with him the more turned on he got. How one human being can have such disregard for another is beyond me. That's why I can't believe it - still. I'm so slow. How do people make it through this, how can you come out the other side? I certainly don't know. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, who am I now? My whole world is turned upside down and I can't make sense of anything. I can't even cry. I'm lost and alone and I'm scared all the time and I just want me back. I wish I had a time machine to go back to that night and make it so it never happened. I feel like I deserved it, like I've done something wrong and now I'm being punished, but I don't know what I did wrong. I'm worn out from just trying to not want to die and trying to keep going to work so that I don't lose the only thing that makes me get out of bed. I'm tired of waiting to find out if they will prosecute or not, I'm just f'ing worn out from everything swimming around in my head and this huge pain I have in my chest that never eases. I wish I could have just 5 minutes where I don't have to think about it or don't have to feel so awful. Just 5 minutes just to have a break from it. 

I don't even have it in me to blame him because I'm too busy blaming myself and logically I know that it wasn't my fault but I can't make myself believe it. I feel like I've brought all this on myself and I've only myself to blame but I didn't want this, I would never want this. Nobody would ever want this.

Letter to myself

Dear Me,

I'm sorry your feeling so low today, I'm sorry I put you in a vulnerable situation that night and now you are hurting and broken. I'm sorry you feel like you deserve it and I'm sorry you blame yourself. I hope you don't always hate yourself and that you will someday get past the pain your in. I hope that you get some justice and that the DPP decide to prosecute him. I'm sorry your muscles are killing you from being so tense and that you are now grinding your teeth in your sleep. I'm sorry that your life has changed so much and that you are struggling to make it through. I'm sorry you feel so alone and desperate. I'm this has happened to you and I'm sorry for putting you through this. 

I hope some day you will forgive yourself and be kind to yourself again. I wish I could build a time machine and take back that night but I can't. 

Love Me x

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Just the usual Thursday

I think last night might have been one of the worst nightmares I've had so far. IT was happening over and over again and every time I tried to get away he would beat me up. He took my car keys so I couldn't get away and when I stole them back he burned out my car. Very graphic dream and I found it hard to shake it off, I couldn't concentrate in work today and I just wanted to retreat into myself but I couldn't because I had to keep the mask on.

I need to know if the police are going to prosecute or not. Every day I'm glued to my phone waiting for a phone call with the news. What if they don't prosecute what will that mean for me and if they do what will that mean?? It never stops.I did have a good evening with my friend, we talked a bit of nonsense and had some laughs...that was nice. I hope I sleep better tonight. I have to. I feel very emotional today but I can't cry...I have barely cried, only in my dreams....I'd love a good cry.

Aaaaaaaah who is this person I've become, I used to be a normal fairly well together person with a successful enough career and now I'm just this crappy shell of a person filled with pain who gives out alot in this land called cyber's so alien to me I hate it....I used to be normal. Before it happened rape was this awful thing that happened to other people but not to me, I always thought that if someone ever tried to I would kick and scream and get away but I didn't. I fought and I tried but I didn't get away...I was too afraid to scream and in the end I gave up...he won, I couldn't fight anymore. The harder I fought the worse he was too the end I gave up. I let him win. I know it's not my fault but I feel responsible...why do women always blame themselves? Why am I still blaming myself?

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

In a nutshell

For a long time and even now I try to find information that helps me to understand how I am feeling and how to cope with these feelings, one of the hardest things is not knowing what new feelings might come your way. 

Found this on one of my numerous internet searches (I know I'm obsessed!) 
I am experiencing every one of these:

  • Increased fear and anxiety.
  • Self-blame and guilt.
  • Helplessness, no longer feeling in control of her life.
  • Humiliation and shame.
  • Lowering of her self esteem
  • Feeling dirty or contaminated by the rape
  • Anger
  • Feeling alone and that no one understands.
  • Losing hope in the future.
  • Emotional numbness.
  • Confusion
  • Loss of memory.
  • Constantly thinking about the rape.
  • Having flashbacks to the rape, feeling like it is happening again.
  • Nightmares
  • Depression.
  • Becoming suicidal.

A good day

Today was not so bad. I was able to talk and chat and laugh like I used to which was nice. I found myself realising that there was still a little bit of the old me in there. Haven't seen her for a while. Busy day in work today and so I was all tense coming home, my jaw is killing me from tensing up. I still feel like I'm on red alert all the time! This to shall pass....if I have to say that to myself one more time I'm going to go crazy!

Oh sleep where arth thou

Can't sleep. You can take your pick of the reasons why. Could it be the fact that I've to get up in the morning and put on a face and go to work, or is it the fact that I'm still waiting on the police to decide whether they will prosecute him or is it the one million things swimming around my head constantly. Everybody says I look pale or that I've lost weight, my eyes have shrunk into my head and I have a pain in my face from clenching my jaw without knowing it. I'm so tired. How did this happen? 

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Nearly There

Today is nearly over. I will be a rape victim over 6 months when today is over. I don't know why but I'm finding the 6 month's mark very hard. It's like a milestone. All I feel is sad because nothing is getting better, I'm still as in as much pain and feel as much despair as I did last week or last month. I feel so lost and alone, my whole being is consumed. Now I know this is rape. It's not just the act it's what follows, it's like a virus that infects your heart, soul and mind, and it's contagious and infects everyone close to you and when you look into their eyes you can see that they are looking back at the shell of a person they used to know. I don't blame them, I see the same when I look in the mirror. Who am I now, what am I now, who will I become. I was never much of a fan of the old me but I wish I was her again. I wonder when you go from being a rape victim to a rape survivor. Will I always feel like a victim?