Thursday, October 27, 2011

How I Survived

I had a therapy session today. It's only recently that we have actually started talking about what happened. I've been very frustrated at not being able to feel anything. I remember what happened and I remember how it felt but I'm completely disassociated from it still. I feel very little about it and everything that happened afterwards, the statement, the rape kit, it all feels like a movie, like I've watched it happen from somewhere else.

It is so difficult to deal with the disassociation because on an intellectual level I know that I was raped. I know this happened to me (wow that was hard to even type!) but I still can't feel like it. So far I have been dealing mostly with the symptoms of what happened, PTSD, panic, anxiety, depression etc. I can't seem to believe, understand and accept what happened.

When it was happening my brain went somewhere else, it was running at 100 miles an hour, I kept thinking this isn't happening, what should I do, how can I make it stop, should I scream, should I scratch him, what should I do?? And when I realised that I couldn't get away my mind went somewhere else and it still hasn't fully come back yet. There is a huge gap between associating what happened and accepting that it was actually me it happened to.

My therapist today said that all this is normal, even after over a year later. What happened was so awful and so traumatic that this is 'How I survived'. And it's still how I'm surviving and that's OK. I need to be patient with myself. It's just hard to be because I just want for it not to have happened to me and I want to have my life back. I want to be me again, I don't want to be separated from any part of myself any more. I don't want to be afraid of how I'm going to feel when I finally accept what happened. I just want to be me again. I don't want to be me the girl who was raped. I just want to be me. I want this nightmare journey to end.

Monday, October 17, 2011

A little bit of history about a guy I met

It's been a while since I've written anything. There has been quite a bit going on.

Firstly, my jaw pain came back for quite a bit and it kind of left me exhausted. Work is pretty stressful at the moment. I think the main reason I haven't been able to write anything is because therapy is getting pretty intense and I don't want it to, I want it all to go away and avoid everything. My therapist says I need to talk more. I just feel stuck at the moment, I'm terrified of talking about it, I'm afraid of going back there in my mind.

The other big thing that happened is I HAD A DATE! With a guy, like a real date. Oh my god it was traumatic.

I'll start from the beginning of the story of how the date came about because it's there's a bit of history to it.
About two weeks before what happened happened I met a guy who I got on really well with, we exchanged numbers and were texting every day and were almost at the point of arranging a date when IT happened. When it happened I remember feeling absolutely gutted that I wouldn't be able to meet this guy because I knew I wouldn't be able for it. I even tried being normal with him and texting as normal because I didn't want him to think I didn't like him. This is what shock does to you. I mean I remember texting him trying to be normal with him on my way back from getting the rape kit done. I remember he was texting me on the way to give my statement. It was crazy, at the time I was in such shock that I think I was trying to hold on to something normal and this was normal for me. Anyway, this trying to be normal didn't last long. I couldn't keep it up any more and I didn't want him to think I was giving him the brush off because he seemed like a really nice guy and we got on.

So...I decided to tell him the truth about what happened so I sent him an email explaining that I had hoped that we would meet up but that I had been attacked and didn't think I'd be able to meet up with him after all and that I thought I would just be honest with him rather than make something up. Anyway, he mailed me back saying he was sorry for what happened and to think of him as a friend at least, he was very nice. We kept in contact for a while but it dwindled out. A couple of weeks ago we got back in contact and he asked if he could cook me dinner, he made it very easy and comfortable, as in he cooked me dinner and brought it to my house for us to eat together, we watched a movie then. (My housemate was in the house the whole time, he seems like a nice guy but I wasn't about to be alone in a house with him!) Anyway we were both a bit nervous but we had a nice time.

The next day - yesterday, I was an emotional wreck, for the first time in months I couldn't stop crying. I don't know why, I don't know if it's because I like him and want to see him again or because I'm afraid or because I'm feeling sorry for myself because I can't have a normal interaction with a guy or because of the history that's there or because I'm not ready. I don't know. I don't know why I was so upset, it was a perfectly nice evening.

Maybe I'm not ready and am better off being by myself.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

There were times when...

There have been so many many times through this whole experience when everything has just felt too overwhelming and all I've wanted to do is run. When I say many times I mean at least once a day. I'd imagine packing up and leaving and not saying anything to anyone. I'd day dream about this little peaceful cottage by a quiet remote beach where nobody would disturb you and where you could just rest and be.

I think from the moment it happened and for months and months afterwards I have felt like I'm constantly braced for another attack. You  know when you get a fright and you jump and then you relax when you realise it's ok, I haven't relaxed yet. I'm still braced and waiting. On red alert.

I can't wait till I relax and the constant fear goes away, and it's not just being afraid that you'll be attacked again it's being afraid that he'll come after me or that I'll fall apart or something. It's being afraid for yourself in every possible way. I think that's why I'm still disassociated from what happened which is a whole other story. I still find it hard to feel anything about what happened, I find it hard to get upset. I can't seem to accept that this is what's happened to me. Dissociation is crap.