I met a really good guy and we've been dating for a while now. He's really genuine and caring and patient with me. He doesn't know what happened but I'd say I'm going to have to soon. We started sleeping together. It was actually fine. However the closer I feel to him the more freaked out I get. I'm sure that makes sense I suppose. Last night he spent the night and I found myself having awful nightmares, all day I've been feeling really anxious and scared basically.
My chest is really tight and the nightmares I'm having are really vivid. It's probably because I'm sharing a bed with a guy I care about! Life would be alot simpler if I was still alone...hmmm is it worth it? I'm confused, on the one hand I have feelings for him but I'm scared of those feelings. Maybe I'm better off alone...
I'm glad that you are seeing a really nice guy, but I'm sorry to hear that you are experiencing a recurrence of nightmares and anxiety. Based on what you have been through, I think what you are experiencing is very normal. It's important that we find people with whom we are comfortable sharing our stories, so if decide to share your story with him, I hope that you get the support you need and deserve and that it helps bring you even closer to healing. xx
ReplyDeleteHi Lizzie, its good your with a guy can trust and care about. I too am a victim of rape, and I think you are further on in recovery than I am but I think if you can find a way to tell him what happened he can help you, and you can feel more comfortable around him.
ReplyDeleteAlso after reading your blog, it encouraged me to do the same as I find it hard to talk about it. What you are doing is great and I really admire you for it. Thank you.
G. xx
Hey love,
ReplyDeleteYou won't know me but I've just recently found your blog, and I have to say I am really inspired and proud. I was also raped, many years ago, from when I was 11 to 15. It's indescribable the pain and desolation you find yourself stuck in, and the healing is a slow, arduous, and sometimes equally painful journey. Even after all this time I won't pretend to say I'm completely healed, because in all truthfulness you never completely heal. Like any wound, once the bleeding stops and the scab is gone, there is always a scar, even though it often fades over time. You've done an amazing job healing, and reading your journey from the first post to this last one, I really am happy for you and how far you've come.
As to responding to this post, no, I don't think you're better off alone. I do sincerely believe you should tell this man your story, because if he cares about you he'll want to help. It took a long time for me to muster the courage to tell my man, but I'll never regret it. Now, when I wake up in the middle of the night with a flashback or if something reminds me of the rapes, I can go to him for help and he's able to make me feel better. When you're alone you wallow in your pain, and it can be hard to escape. It may seem easier to be alone, because after all you've been through the last thing on your mind is going through the struggle of connecting with someone new and feeling safe and comfortable with them. In my experience though, being alone is the least productive thing to do. Moving on is wicked hard, but a substantial step in that is learning to trust again, both yourself and the people around you, and trusting that the world isn't all bad.
I don't mean to harp and lecture, and I sincerely apologize if any of what I've said is offensive or unhelpful. I guess I too find it helpful to write, and that means I tend to write too much when I have the chance :p
I look forward to reading about your continued recovery, and I wish you all the best. Always remember that you're a beautiful human being and you have much left to share with the world, and we're all here listening :)
XOXO
--MV
No, I don't think you are better off alone. Pay attention to your inner voice though. If him staying overnight is too difficult at this stage then you could possibly slow it back down. If you feel comfortable telling him it may help. You don't need to tell him all at once. You don't need to ever give him all the details if you don't feel comfortable with that.
ReplyDeleteI recently told my therapist about a relationship that I tried to have last year, before I remembered a lot of what actually happened to me. We jumped in too quickly. I was scared and felt that I had to have sex with him so that he wouldn't leave me. The reality that he didn't run away when I burst into tears in bed should have been the indication that he didn't expect it. That he was willing to be patient. Unfortunately I pushed him away and am back alone. It is definitely not better without him in my life.
My new therapist told me that things can never move too slowly. If my partner isn't willing to take things as slow as I need then he is not the one and that is okay too. That I will learn from each relationship until the right one comes along. I hope that she is right.
Hi... Somehow i ended up on your blog and i think it was for a reason... I think i need to get this secret out... I don't think i can hold on to it anymore.. I'm tired of being alone...
ReplyDeleteHello dear Lizzie,
ReplyDeleteHow brave you are to share your story, and to also attempt a healthy relationship. We all need to be loved, to love, and to be needed..and so no, I do not believe you are better off alone. It's hard to say from what you tell of this man if he is the one...but he sure sounds caring and loving and a it may be a good start for you to be able to talk freely about your story with someone who cares for you romantically and for whom you care. I am glad you are asking for support and suggestions. Please know that you are not alone.
It is a very difficult road, this recovery process, but it can be done and happiness and joy will be found for you, because you want it and are seeking it. I send you prayers and blessings. You will know when the time is right to discuss things with this man. Listen to yourself. Take good care.
In love and light,
Bryhn
Hi Lizzie,
ReplyDeleteI would follow your instincts with this guy! If he makes you feel safe, it's possible to tell him and still feel safe with him. I found that when I met my husband when we were dating I felt safe, and I knew he cared. I also started sleeping with him to avoid being vulnerable with him. That was more scary than anything, being open and vulnerable. Once I did I felt a weight lift off of me and I could be myself. I had nothing to hide, I had someone to talk to about my nightmares that I was having and my flashbacks. He just listened to me, wiped my tears, and held my hand. So it's not better to be alone, it always helps to have a caring, loving man to help you feel safe again. Take your time and you will know if it's the right time to tell him. Don't think that the nightmares are a bad sign of your relationship. Trust me I have been there. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I hope that you find peace at night and I hope that you find someone to love you like you deserve to be loved.
Lisa :)
If you find the right man who is genuine, kind and honest, you don't need to be alone. But I will say that from my experience to be very careful because I made the mistake of telling someone I thought was "Mr. Wonderful" and he ended up telling me that I was never "raped" every time he got angry at me - he apologized later in saying that he only said it to hurt me but I am extremely careful of whom I would ever (or not) confide in since then. He hurt me deeply on many different levels but it was my fault that I didn't take the time to find out what type of a man he was if he is angry over issues: big or small. I found out. Some men(and women - believe it or not) have twisted opinions on this subject and I'd hate to see you get hurt. Why tell him sooner than later? Get to REALLY know him well before you consider bringing it up. Later on you will either be very comfortable in sharing anything personal with him or if you are smart you will dump him if he is not all that you hope he is, but it really does take time to find that out.
ReplyDeletei think thats the key to the whole thing finding the one who will stay with you no matter what i was raped a long time ago and i never said anything to anyone and now i have a chance with this guy that i really want to be with and he does not know yet so i am not sure what to do when he wants to hug me or anything else
DeleteHi there. I am actually in the same situation you are. I was raped in 2006 and thought I was going to be killed in the process. I met my now husband when I was in the process of preparing myself to be a witness in the trial against my attacker. Needless to say I feel that I met my husband at the wrong time and that I have yet to heal as much as I should have. I was a single mom before my husband and had to concentrate on making my son was ok and now I am in a relationship that can be draining a lot of times. Should you be alone? I can't tell you yes or no, but I can tell you to trust your gut and put yourself first no matter what. I wish I did.
ReplyDeletethis means so much to me reading your blog its like im on your journey and it helps me so much please come visit my blog sometime.
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