Writings before I started my blog
WARNING - MAY TRIGGER
24th of August 2010
My stomach is sick and I’m exhausted from not sleeping. I went to bed last night and fell asleep ok this time but I woke up after 45 minutes. I look like shit and I feel like shit. I can’t really eat either but I suppose that’s a good thing maybe I’ll lose a bit of weight. Work today was hectic but it was nice when I was. I was hoping that everything around me wouldn’t be infected by what happened but it is. Every movement I make or breath that I take is infected, every word I speak and every action I take is infected. I’m consumed by what has happened. I wish someone could just take it all away. I know I’m not alone I’m so lucky with who I have around me but I have to go through this pain alone. It’s in my fingers and it’s in my toes it’s in the air around me. I thought with every day it would get better or that I’d get a bit stronger but I’m not. Every day is worse than the last and I feel like I’m hanging by a thread. It would only take something small to throw me over the edge. My heart, my mind, my soul is broken. I still feel like I did when I was in the tent. If I hadn’t gone into the tent, if I hadn’t drunk so much, if I had of tried harder to get out of the tent then maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I’d be laughing now and having a cup of tea and giving out about mundane things that don’t mean anything. I want to run but there’s nowhere to run to. Why didn’t I run at the time, maybe he can explain it in a way so that it didn’t happen and then I can go oh ok sorry about that and then everything will be ok. I can’t cope with this. There is no release. Can anybody help me...
I still feel the same, is there any way this could not be real...I keep getting flashes from the tent but i still can’t remember the end properly. I gave up, why did I give up? Why didn’t I fight harder or better still why didn’t I have the sense to stay away from his tent. I thought I’d have more sense than that. Stupid me. If ever there were a group of people who would want to turn back time it would be people who went through what i went through. I still can’t believe the last few weeks. The rape kit, the statements and it will probably be all for nothing. I doubt it will even get to trial. It’s nearly a month now but it feels like yesterday. Why isn’t it getting better yet? I hope I sleep tonight, I feel like I’m in hell. Can anybody help me...
25th of August 2010
I left work early today. I’m so tired I can’t even talk. Rang the Guards today to try and get our phones back. T*** was ‘at a course’ which is code for he’s off cos when I rang his mobile he was out in the garden! I’m so tired I can’t cope. I’ve never felt this tired in my life. I’m going to try to sleep now, hopefully I will.
So I just took a xanex and a dose of kalms and drops of sleep remedy to try and help me sleep tonight. I hope it works, i think i will get to sleep but I don’t know if I will stay asleep, I hope I do. I’m so tired. I’m so tired I can’t think so I suppose that’s a good thing, maybe I’ll sleep cos I can’t think about the tent. Can anybody help me...
I went out for S****** birthday tonight, we only went to A****** house but I was exhausted from being in Cork and working all week. It was so hard trying to be normal all week in work that I didn’t have the energy while in Clare to be normal but I tried...It’s a month tonight since it happened, this time a month ago I was begging him to stop...I was saying no no no no no...stop stop stop stop stop over and over again, the pain was so much...it was probably around now that I gave up and let him rape me because I couldn’t take anymore...it was probably around from now that I don’t remember other than I just want to get out of this tent and find N****...does that make me weak and submissive because I was never like that before....I just couldn’t take anymore. I can’t cope with this at all...can any body help me....PLEASE I’m f’d I can’t take anymore...I wan’t to be out with my friend’s and be the mammy as usual...I want to be able to have the craic...I don’t want to be this person...I can’t be this person....Can anybody help me...PLEASE...I was still being raped this time last month....PLEASE can anybody help me...
My sister S phoned today she’s great to talk to. I’m still really sad..i’m grand in work I think..i hope I’ll be ok
My sis S phoned again today, had a nice chat with her. Myself and my housemates went to see the new house today, it’s lovely. The lads did loads of stuff like packing, I barely did anything, I can’t do a tap, i’m exhausted all the time and I get really anxious when I see everything we have to do, I should be visioning next week when we’re in our new house and how lovely it will be not to be living down the road from him but I’m so tired from keeping it together in work. I spoke to the Guards today and they should be bringing ‘your man’ in for questioning next week. What if they believe whatever story they tell him? I know what happened, I know I didn’t want him to do what he was doing to me, I begged for him to stop but what if there’s some detail that I can’t remember that makes all this consensual, I can’t see how there is because I kept saying no and stop over and over again but what if?? What if they believe him over me, I don’t know him, he could give the biggest sob story in the world, at the end of the day it’s not him who’s life and future is ruined it’s mine. I need him to know that. I hate who i am now, what I’ve become. He was so brutal, the life that I had is over.
Yesterday was moving day, got all my stuff packed up and left the Duff. We finished in the Duff at about 3 o’clock. As I was driving into Douglas I started getting really shaky and emotional. When I arrived into the new house I started balling crying. N**** told G****! The lads in the house have all being amazing, even G**** who doesn’t know me that long, he took down my bookshelf and brought it to the new house and put it back together again and all my books up on it. It’s the little things. I went to bed last night and slept after a good while but I kept waking up and I was really shaky, I guess it was too much to expect that moving house with fix everything, I’m pretty anxious today and I have pains in my jaw, I must be clenching it in my sleep. I have a pain in my head too. I wish I could find a way to have a massive release and just ball my heart out or cry or something but I can’t so I just sit here in pain and try not to lose my mind. I wish someone could take it all away but they can’t. I’m in hell. The Guards should be picking up your man tomorrow or Tuesday, they said they would let me know when they released him but we’ll see....there not the best communicators. I wonder how he’ll react. What will he say? That it was consensual and that I liked it rough, he must have been f’ing deaf not to hear me begging him to stop. What else will he say? What will he say?
I keep going over what happened in the tent. I’m trying to remember what happened. I can clearly remember trying to get him to stop, I remember everything he did, I wasn’t that drunk. I remember him biting me, it was so sore and then I remember feeling like he was possessed, I remember him pinning my arms down. I remember saying no no no no no but I don’t think he was taking any notice of what I was saying. I remember not wanting it to happen, but once I gave in I don’t remember much. I realised that this was going to happen whether I wanted it or not. I don’t remember much once he entered me. I gave up and my mind went somewhere else, this was probably after an hour of trying to get him to stop. Why didn’t he listen to me? Why can’t I remember everything, I know what happened it’s not like I blacked out but my brain just won’t remember all the details like I can at the start in the tent. I remember pulling at his T-shirt trying to get him to stop but he kept going. I’m so confused. Why didn’t he stop when I asked him to? Why won’t my brain remember? It’s going to be a long week.
Waiting for the Guards to ring to let me know when your man is released. It’s very hard. Very very hard indeed. I don’t know how to cope with this at all. There is no end to it. I’d still rather not be here. I’d be better off. I don’t want to be here. What will he say, what if the guards believe him and not me, what will he say?? This is too much, far too much. The phone calls have died off from home, I could do with a chat now. N**** is brilliant I love her but she looked at me today and asked me if I was alright, I said I wasn’t, of course I’m not.I think she’s sick of me not being alright.
I had counselling today, we spoke about how I feel that everything is gone back to normal for everyone else and nothing is normal for me, I feel like I’ve reverted back to being this person who is there for everyone else but I can’t be there for anyone anymore. Not right now anyway. She told me to tell N**** how I was feeling and what I needed from her. We had a nice chat this evening and I had a cry, it was nice to cry. I haven’t heard anything from the Guards yet, they were supposed to be picking your man up yesterday or today and they told me they’d call me when he was released but they haven’t called me yet. If they aren’t going to be able to pick me up then they should ring me and let me know. Do they not know that I’m pacing the floors here not knowing what’s going on? I’m tired after the counselling. I’m going to try go asleep now.
Well it’s been a few days since I’ve written anything down. Alot has happened in the last week. I feel like there should be a beginning, middle and end and that all these flow naturally in stages. But with this it just goes around in circles. I had to take this week off work because i was having anxiety attacks over work and I just can’t cope with being there at the moment. It feels like years since I’ve been home and I just want to sink into oblivion with my mammy near me like a child. I am having alot of trouble with anxiety attacks at the moment and can’t really focus and things in work when i’m like that. Last week was great in work because it’s something else to focus on but I need to find a way of trying to relax and distress so i can cope with work, I have counselling later so I’ll go to that and hopefully she can help and if not I might go see someone else. It’s all hitting me now what happened the reality of what happened and what I am feeling are starting to connect and to be honest it’s disabling. I actually can’t function, my memory is gone to shit, I used to have a brilliant memory. I feel so anxious all the time and I can’t get rid of it. I can’t cope with anything at the moment. My life is ruined. We got our statements from the Guards, I read mine the first time I read it I didn’t really feel anything, the second time I felt more. N**** has hinted at reading it and I might ask her to because I don’t know if it’s because I’m still a bit disconnected from it that I don’t feel anything. I’ll see I don’t want to upset her. I’m looking forward to counselling later but to be honest I might go see someone else, an actual Psychiatrist I think is what I need. Someone to help me with the PTSD. Even though I don’t really like putting a label on it because then that makes it disconnected somehow. I feel like the gap is closing but I’m still waiting for the bang and there it is – it’s hit me what happened.
21st of September
I’m still off work, I’m going back next week. I have counselling later tonight. I met the Guards yesterday. They told me a bit more about your mans statement. He is such a f’ing liar. He told them that he didn’t remember ruining my life. He told them that what happened in the tent is very hazy and he doesn’t remember much of it. He told them that we were rolling around in the tent and that was how I got the injuries. How does that explain the bite marks though? He told them that I was wearing trousers? How is that possible, it would mean that I would have had to have taken off my trousers in the tent! He also told them that he couldn’t get an erection, that is a blatant lie an absolute lie. Why is he filling them with a pack of lies. He ruined my life and he’s saying he doesn’t remember doing it! I also saw his picture. I am so fucking angry.
This is as much as I wrote before I created my blog. The darkest days of my entire life followed this, I had to take even more time off and was forced to give up a promotion I’d recently gotten because I wasn’t able for it. I was almost hospitalised but the doctors let me go home as long as it was to my parents house so they could make sure I didn’t kill myself. I went back to work shortly after to my old position but still couldn’t cope so I had to admit defeat and take 3 months off.