Tuesday, July 30, 2013

3 Years On

Tomorrow is 3 years since it happened.
I have come so far and have my life back, I have a wonderful fiance and the most beautiful baby boy however unfortunately I find that tonight I'm fighting a panic attack. I haven't needed to write in a long time but tonight I can't sleep and writing always helps me get everything out of my head. It reminds me that I'll always be living with this. At least now though I can live with it and I can honestly say I am a stronger person now. I also have an appreciation for what's important and most of all I have this beautiful little boy who I love more than I could ever explain so go away panic attack your not welcome in my head. I an surviving and thriving!

22 comments:

  1. hi

    reading your blog

    just want to tell you

    that you are a strong woman

    God bless you

    ReplyDelete
  2. Breaking the silence is great. It shows over survivors they're not alone while really showing yourself you have nothing to be ashamed of. It's your attacker who should be ashamed.

    Thank you for being vulnerable and showing others that healing is possible.

    I'm working on a project that will help survivors navigate through the system in the aftermath. I'd love to talk to you about writing a guest blog post. I'm just building up my own blog at http://whattodowhenraped.blogspot.com/. If you're interested, please e-mail swimmingupstreamblogging@gmail.com.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I was raped in high school, I was a senior in 1976. I never talk about it to anyone. The reason why is when I told my best friend she said it was my fault because I had too much to drink and passed out. My senior year in high school was the worst experience for me because I had to put up with gossip and stares from fellow students.....all who thought I was an easy lay. Before I was raped I was a virgin, the boy that raped me seemed to be enjoying spreading what happened at a party....all around at school. My best friend and her sister from H.S. are on my facebook and they are both friends with my rapist.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I was raped almost 11 months ago. It was technically my "first time" and it happened just 2 months into my freshman year of college. Knowing that my virginity was taken from my rapist makes me so angry. I can relate to you 100% I thought I was a freak or a weak person for not being able to just move on and be happy but the second I take 2 step forward I jump back 10 steps. Reading your blog knowing that you have found love and happiness in your life gives me hope with mine. You are helping me stay strong and I just want to thank you for sharing your story. I'm terrified to wake up on the anniversary of my rape I get panic attacks thinking about him or thinking I might come in contact with him again. I don't know how I'm going to take it. I work with my happiness and self esteem daily. There is no feeling like being raped or sexual assault. How it leaves you as a human being is in-explainable. I wonder if I will get my chance at a happy life like other friends and family members of mine. I think I deserve it but then again I don't understand why I was raped. It has made me stronger however, emotionally I'm still weak and have my ups and downs. Like you said it's a daily struggle and I can't wait for the day that it will just be something that happened to me and not something that is so present in my every day life. I just pray to God for strength,happiness, and a man who will love me and understand what I've been through and respect and honor me.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I have been reading your story, having come upon it by chance. Well, maybe it's not chance. I respect your courage and strength and fortitude. I was gang raped when I was a teenager many years ago, and that was followed by a rape by another man a few years later. I have pushed much of those two experiences aside in an attempt to move forward in my life. I did not receive the help I needed at the proper time, so I want to encourage anyone who might read this and who has suffered -- or is a friend to a survivor -- to find a supportive ear and strong shoulder. Unfortunately, we cannot skip stages of recovery, but we can delay them. The sooner we can manage through the pain and injury, the more easily we can move forward a build a life that accepts what has happened without it directing our future. All of life's blessings to you as you courageously move forward!

    ReplyDelete
  6. I just discovered your blog. Bless you. You have given me some hope that this will get better. I was locked in a bathroom, threatened, hurt and raped by my friend's "handyman" last Thursday night. I reported it Friday morning. What a joke. Aside from waiting til morning to go to the sheriffs I tried to do what I could to save evidence and dna. I turned over my clothes went to the hospital,was photographed more times then I want to remember, questioned and questioned again, "was I drunk, was I on drugs, was I under mental care" etc. I think you get the idea. I knew this "man" slightly, we barely spoke and when we did he was always rude and crude. The Sheriffs did arrest him (they found meth and a drug pipe in a drawer during the arrest.) He spent 4 days in jail until the DA refused to prosecute him. Why? "man" claims that I told him I'd give a BJ etc for $20 and that he paid me only a folded up $5. He told them that I only called the cops after I realized I had been gyped by him. This creep has a long felony record (the sheriff's wouldn't say for what) and nearly everyone who lives near my friend has been bullied by him. When I asked the Sheriff's for more details they told me I had no right to know as he was entitled to his privacy! Now I have to get checked for STDs, obtain restraining orders, deal with the other results of the attack and the stress and wonder if this "man" is going to show up at my door someday. My friend, of course, no longer deals with this man and since he was apparently sleeping in her storeroom I have been told that until he can be served with the RO it is useless. I feel like I was raped twice. I feel like I have been transported back to the 1960's. I wonder how many "men" have used this excuse and merely walked away. The moral is good luck if you live in Paramount and if you run into a white 50 yr named bart run like hell. He got time served for the Meth. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, Anonymous; I'm absolutely heart-sick over your story. I cannot believe what I've just read ... simply beyond comprehension. Please know that I am going to pray for you - sounds trite, I know - but it also sounds as if you need a little divine intervention. This freak is dangerous and should be removed from society to ensure everyone's safety ... especially yours. I absolutely understand your fear of him. Stay strong & take care of YOU. Don't let him have even one more of your precious tears in the meantime.

      Delete
  7. You are an inspiration. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey
    I have just started my blog writing about the story of my life i would love for you to all read & follow it
    I'm 18 and I experienced Physical, emotional, mental, sexual abuse and Obesity at a young age, I'm starting to write a blog sharing my story and i would really appreciate it if you could spread the link for me please, I hope to inspire other abused victims to open up and share there story to the world and let them know that there are others just like them and they're not alone.

    http://agirldearfriend.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dear Friend, I write a blog as well for sexual assault awareness. I would love to share your story on my blog if that is ok. I will also post your blog site for you so we can get your story out there. www.breakingmysilence4healing.blogspot.com

      Delete
    2. my survivor blog is www.support4survivors.blogspot.com

      Delete
  9. Dear friend,

    I've just come upon your blog and I am touched. Thank you so much for sharing your story with the world. I too, am a survivor of rape and I know exactly what your going through because I have myself.

    Please know that you are not alone and you will get better. The mere fact that you are here in this world and writing down your feelings is proof enough. Keep it up.

    Also, I am creating a concert here in the States that is designed to get men be a part of the solution, instead of the problem. Please check out my blog & website.

    You and I can change the world. I truly believe that.

    Take care,
    Janis

    http://janishillard.blogspot.com

    www.edipus.org

    ReplyDelete
  10. I just found your blog. Im just start this whole thing out. I know what the panic attacks are like.

    I look forward to reading through your writing and hope you would support me as well.


    http://trauma6685.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hi, I am Nicole all the way in Africa, Botswana

    I am humbled to have come across a brave woman like you sharing her story, i was a victim to this atrocious act child abuse, i was molested by my uncle,i was 3 years old i am now 20 years old and today i write to tell every girl and woman that they are still beautiful.

    http://icolesiya.blogspot.com/

    looking forward to reaching out to wounded hearts with you. it brings such motivation to know that i am not the only one with this dream,the dream to help others speak out.

    Stay blessed!

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am truly greatful to have stumbled across your blog. I think it is amazing that you have began writing i completely understand how alone and betrayed by the justice system and your perpetrator and how it constantly swims round in your mind.
    It is SO warming to not feel alone and thankyou for giving me something i can read and relate to the pain and struggle and to give me hope from a survivor.
    I am just at the begining of my journey and this blog has given me something to read for the days where i feel hopeless about getting better. Your raw account has given me chance to not fear the bad days as much but to just take each day as it comes.
    You are an amazing person, i don't know who you are but i send my best wishes for your new life full of positivity and happiness.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I know you have probably heard this several times from several people but I wanted to commend you for your bravery in dealing with this. I can not even begin to express the amount of respect and admiration I have for you and your amazing amount of courage. Though I say this from a naieve academic perspective, I understand that breaking the silence is difficult and paramount towards the healing process. Rape is never ok. We have been studying rape in my violence against women class at school and I have recently learned that silence is one of the biggest issues. So many people never come forward with their cases because they cant bear the pressure of accepting that this aweful atrocity was committed against them. We also learned that silence protects no one but the assailant. You are an inspiration to so many around you and one day I hope to have the privilege of helping victims of rape as a medical professional. The stories of the women who have endured acts like this inspire me to help in anyway that I can and have left a lasting impression. Thank you so much for your courage in sharing your experiences and I hope you have a blessed future.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I like the idea of a woman being raped. I get excited when I think about the pain and trauma they experience. Especially nice girls who are sweet and smile and laugh a lot. Girls that have something going for them. I take pleasure on seeing these woman ruined. I know a girl like that. She was forced to strip down at five years old by her older brother. She had some self-esteem problems but was a bright light like what I described above. Then when she was twelve and woke up to being molested by an older man who had his hand down her pants playing with her. It shocked her pretty bad but she still didn't lose that sparkle. Now this is where it starts to get really cool -- she was drunk at a party at age sixteen. She was supposed to get a ride home from some guy. She passed out in his car. What a lucky guy! Perfect opportunity! What the odds? She was so drunk she wouldn't wake up for anything. He brought her to his house took all her clothes and raped her in her sleep. She woke up with no clothes with the obvious physical signs of having been penetrated. She panicked called her friend and got brought home. She was blamed for the incidentby her whole family. Told she ruined the family because of all the trouble she caused. She went into a huge depression. Starting doing drugs.Dropped out of school. Isolated herself and now has weird sexual impulses (Can I say TURN ON?). She started eventually doing better and cleaned up a bit and turned out to be a hard worker. She made the mistake, however of trusting a guy friend of hers and one night when she was drunk she chose to sleep in the room with him believing he would protect her but she being that stupid woke up to her pants down and he was molesting her and she had pre-cum on her cheeks lips and anus that he had been wipeing on her. He later confided in me that he was going to rape her but he misjudged how drunk she was and unfortunately woke up too soon. Anyways, that finally ruined her. Now she is a heroin addicts and has hep c. A mere shell of what she was. Nothing satisfies me more. I pretend to be sympathetic but really I don't feel sorry for her at all and like being an ear to here all her suffering because it arouses me.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Hi
    your posts really meant a lot to me thank you. i wish i could figure out how to contact you directly but im not quite sure how.
    i was recently (about a week ago) uhm..well as you had put it ..."something happened" to me in Ireland coincidentally and i am from the U.S.
    i went on a vacation and ended up having one of the most terrifying experiences from a police officer there. its taking a huge toll on my life and im amazed i found this blog and would love to hear from you
    if there is anyway i can email you somehow from here that would be really awesome. thank you for sharing your story, i REALLY understand how difficult that is its terrible and youve done what seems to be the impossible for me.
    thank you

    ReplyDelete
  16. how much did u cum wen he raped u? u can say u don't want it but u know it was the best orgasm u ever had

    ReplyDelete
  17. Hi, Like many others that have commented, I must also commend you on your bravery. I also understand how beneficial it can be to write down how you're feeling and what has happened, I was raped and sexually abused when I was 13 and 14 years old. I am currently running a petition to make Rape and Sexual Abuse Awareness mandatory in the education system - I hope this will give you hope and be something of interest to you - http://chn.ge/1hAxDyC

    I wish you all the best,

    Amy

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hello everyone! I just found this blog, i think is amazing wish i've read it years ago, is so inspiring. My name is Irene Rodriguez, i'm from Mexico and i'm the founder of an NGO to help women who suffered rape called ZAAFIRO A.C. here in Mexico.

    Like you i'm a survivor who is trying to help trough my testimony and create awareness on this subject. In Mexico rape is not talked or exposed in any way, there are not crisis centers, campaigns, the government have terrible programs and personally i've been in so many therapies and not even one person had the experience to had deal with a rape victim before me, and ironically every 15 seconds a woman is attacked, every 9 minutes is sexually abused and in 1 of every 3 homes have been emotional abuse, intimidated, physical and sexually abused. Where a little more than 20% of Mexicans believe that sometimes it is justifiable for a man to beat his wife.

    I'm trying to make a documental of rape survivors around the world, to talk about how it is to be a survivor, give hope and encourage others to not lose faith, only we survivors can understand each other but only us can cheer up one another, because we know how this is like.
    This project will start next month in Ireland and i'll be moving around filming and making this video of Worldwide Support for Survivors, with the opinion of experts in the subject and more important the survivors testimony. If you wish to participate let me know and i can go wherever you are. Thank you for your time reading this, my email is: fundacionirenerodriguez@gmail.com

    Irene V. Rodriguez Pamanes
    Founder and Director of ZAAFIRO
    Zona de Apoyo y Ayuda Fundación Irene Rodriguez A.C.
    San Pedro Garza García, Nuevo León, México
    Tel: +528119697069
    Cel: +5218110502089
    www.zaafiro.com

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thank you for sharing with me. I know how tough it is dealing with it years later and having a husband (unhappily married) and 2 kids. i was raped 8 yrs ago and it still is really hard at times.

    Feel free to follow my survivors blog which i included with my name. Sometimes it's what is needed to heal years later, interacting with other survivors

    ReplyDelete