The beginning of it all

I don't know if anyone but me will ever read this but it makes me feel better to send it out there into cyberspace like a modern message in a bottle, get everything that's in my head out.


I'm not going to put my story down right now because I'm just not ready but the title says it all, i was raped. It happened 6 months ago this Monday. In the last 6 months I have gone through hell, I've gone from shock to wanting to die to feeling the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life, i didn't think emotional pain could hurt this bad. I had to give statements to police, get examined, go to counselling, have pictures of my naked body taken. I'm still waiting to find out if he will be prosecuted or not. I'm in limbo. 


One of the hardest things was not knowing what was ahead, whatever feeling you felt you weren't prepared for and everyday was worse than the one before. I mean I was fine before this, I was happy and content, i had a job i loved, a loving family and amazing friends. And in the space of 2 hours my whole world was turned upside down and inside out and i am really struggling to put it the right way around.


I would trawl through the Internet looking at other blogs or rape survivor stories to see if it would help me make sense of how I was feeling but sure nothing can do that. I still can't believe it's happened, I can't believe that I encountered someone who had such little regard for another person, when I looked into his eyes begging him to stop i couldn't see any soul there. Life is very very hard at the moment, there are no words to describe it. I'm broken and I don't know if I can ever be fixed. 

35 comments:

  1. My heart goes out to you, my dear. And I commend you for deciding to let your voice be heard through cyberspace. It is good therapy, and you'll find out that there are people out there who are more than willing to listen to you and support you.

    God bless. :-)

    http://softvoiceofafreespirit.blogspot.com

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  2. Have a look through this blog, listen to the podcasts:

    splinteredreflections.com

    Jane is a survivor, just as you will be.

    (She's on Twitter as @janeprinsep)

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  3. My heart cries out for what you went through.

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  4. There is not a single thing that you have said here that has not been the way I have felt these last couple of months. This is my story exactly to the tee although the actual attack is different every feeling that you have shared here is exactly where I am at right now. Thank you for making me feel normal, although I am sorry for the pain that you have endured. God Bless my new friend.

    Christine

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  5. Letting it out and speaking about your experience is incredibly brave and it's NECESSARY. Being vocal and placing the shame/blame ALL on my rapist is what truly saved me after my assault and I hope that it works for you too. If you ever want to talk one on one at all (as much is possible through the internet) please let me know, and I am here. Always.
    Stay strong, my fellow survivor!
    -Tara

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  6. I understand what your going through. I was raped almost three years ago. Writing about it is amazing ! Stay strong <3
    ~Nicole.

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  7. hello, i hope someone can help me. I was a victim of a sexual assault. I told my husband but now i wish that i would not have told him. Would that have been wrong? I want it all behind me now, but my husband wants to take matters in his own hands..i didn't want to go the police, is that normal?

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    1. Hi there, you did the right thing by telling your husband, I understand you want to put it behind you and yes it's very normal that you didn't want to go to police and report it, I want to be very honest with you it's going to feel very uncomfortable talking to the police about it but please remember by reporting it you could be saving some one else, I hope your husband has been supportive of you, sometimes it's hard to be close to your partner or trust anyone for that matter, I wish you all the best, please let know what you decided. God bless you.

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  8. I'm a survivor too although I don't feel like i'm one... I still feel like a victim at the hands of a someone I trusted to take all my security away... I feel incomplete like he took something away from me that I can never get back but pray that I do find it someday.. Find that peace I neeeeed to move on from this.... I hope you are finding peace as well. I hope that anyone that has been raped or assaulted could find the peace in their life... to move on from what has happened to them I wouldn't WISH any of this pain on anyone.

    My blog is http://grasphope.blogspot.com/ if you'd like to follow me. I don't post a lot but I do post. I don't anticipate my post they come from emotions I can't put away until I write it there.

    Be strong... we have to stick together. I'm trying to be strong too.

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  9. im only 13 ...and was sexauly abused my whole life...

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    1. My goodness...i've a daughter of 3.5 yrs... when ever i look at her.... children are so serene.... so pious... how could people harm them. My best wishes for you sweet heart... get up and raise your voice ... every thing is fair with a bloody rapist... he ruined your childhood... ruin his life as well.

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  10. Please read my blog similar to this one....am trying to get a group of victims to part take in a dance therapy workshop...http://surmonterdance.blogspot.co.uk/

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  11. Hi, I did the same thing as you, look through Rape blogs, I was recently raped, only 9 days ago. I like you started a blog, illd love for you to check it out, it would be good to get some advice :)


    http://myrapestory1.blogspot.com/

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  12. im going to read all ur writings from now on. i feel comfort in your sharings...

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  13. I feel the same way

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  14. The news about the young victim in India has been the hot topic all over the world, my heart goes to you as well and this has inspired me to write and finish the blog I started regarding the rape victims. This goes to show that world is not the safest place anymore.

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  15. Rape is a horrendous thing to live through. After my experience with rape at the hand of one of my beloved "friends" I feel lost, I cry a lot and don't trust anyone. I'm sick and tired of this cycle that has taken over my life and, although I'm not ready for counseling, I feel like I need to get it out and have someone there who understands and isn't just going to tell me "it's going to be ok" this is why I started to read your blog, and I thank you very much, you're very brave and that bravery is helping me to finally accept my experience. May God bless your beautiful soul. :)

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  16. I was almost raped by another student at my university. The entire incident happened around exam time. I said to myself if an attempted rape could be so ugly, I can't imagine how awful the completed act might be. There is no one I respect more on planet earth than a rape survivor.

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  17. Hi...I was molested wen I was lil and took me years to tell my perants. When I finally had the courage to tell them they smiled in disbelief and said 'why didn't you tell us sooner' till 2day I remember their faces.after I got raped at age 15 I thawt it was better to shop telling people.no1 cared. I'm 20 n married nw with a son..still can't bare to be touched by my husband.I trust him with all my heart bt wen he moves 2 my lower body I get so scared n feel uncomfortable.then I start acting funny and moody.all I think abt is what am I going 2 do if my kids get raped..I give up on thinking that anywhere in the world is safe

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  18. Hi :-)
    I' m not a rape victim, but I wanted to tell you that they are people out there ( including myself) who would really like to help you and other victims in some way. Altough I can' t do much, you will be in my prayers. Stay strong! :-)

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  19. hello im a rape victim , i was raped last year on my birthday and now my birthday is only a few days away , i feel like i am drowning in my thoughts , it plays in the back of my head like a movie , im scared and i dont want to be anymore , im constantly blaming myself and i dont know why

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  20. OMG. I've spent years avoiding what happened to me...and then at the weekend I downloaded this book:

    http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00CXAH1V6

    Now I want to shout about it.

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  21. I was raped since i was 4 to 8 years old, an uncle did it, after 15 years i told my parents because i was in a deep depresion an PTSD like in an extreme form (i had convultions when i was under pressure) when i told my mom she cried so much for so many years i hated her because i tought she decided not to be there an protecting me (she start studying in that period) so i first feel like she deserved that pain because all the time she didnt know what was happening like shi didnt care, now i know how wrong i was, my dad was raped when he was little so he just sat there in shock he felt he fail as a parent (to be hones i still feel that too...)

    But after time, effort, medication, therapy (a lot of it) i have a boyfriend now, i told him everything our first time together (what a gif right?) and he just ask my permission to hold my hand an be there forever, and he is here with me every day, good or bad, just like an angel and for the first time in my life i know why it was me and no other person, all happen for a reason, for me to know the value of life, love, freedom, to talk to other persons and said it really gets better i even kind of like having sex, is difficult but not impossible, is not just about surviving is about be happy and really live because we are here for that reason to feel pain and joy, love and hate,everything will be okay. I give you my word.

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  22. Hi all I fill your pain although I never experience what you gone through. My niece has just been raped 4days ago. she is only 13 years old and I can't imagine what she is going through right now its like someone took a piece of me. I am too emotional, but the perpetrator should be punished. I don't know what to do to take the pain away from her or at least to ease the pain. Please any suggestion would be highly appreciated.

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  23. I commend you for being brave enough to share your story. It took me 8 years to even tell someone what had happened to me. I've finally started to open up and have also chosen a blog as my medium.

    http://whydoicr.blogspot.com

    Thank you for being an inspiration.

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  24. You are very brave to share your story! I have enjoyed going through your blog. It is nice to see other women opening up about their assaults in this way. I also have kept a blog about my assault (talesofasurvivor.blogspot.com) and have found it so helpful to get what I am feeling out there. I hope you continue to write. It's good to know you aren't alone in going through something like this.

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  25. I recently decided not to hold in my past anymore and find a therapist. I wanted to start college off fresh. And I did. Your story inspired me that I am more than just a sexually assaulted woman who never had the guts to tell the police in fear that they won't believe me. I learned that I should open my self to making new friends and trying not to be afraid of being touched by the opposite sex. I further more learned that I would like to become a police officer myself one day. I want to work with Special Victims or Homicide. I feel as though your story inspired me to write my own. I followed your progress and want to thank you for being there virtually as well as letting me know that I am not the only one out there.

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  26. Thank you for sharing. I was raped when I was 16, then made to marry him b/c I conceived. After 31 years, I'm still married to him.

    He used to hit me a lot and called me many names. Today, he still belittles me, and lies (to those who thinks they know us) about me. He has even planted something he had stolen from someone's house and put it in a bag I had. He has turned on water faucets and claimed that I did it after it overflowed. My life is a constant nightmare and nobody cares. He is so good at manipulating people and making them believe what he says. Most people count me as crazy now and no one ever believes me.

    I'm so tired of never being believed. I'm so tired of it all.

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    1. fight him lady. you have been through hell. shouldn't have married him in the first place. rape is not something like momentary impulse... he would never ever be normal. raise your voice... I dont know which country you belong to... but still lodge complaint.. divorce him... enough is enough... fight him hard... give him some of his own medicine... make his life fucking horrible.

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  27. Hey im also not a victim but want to help the most people i can help. I hope you guys who have been victims to try to have a better life. :)

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  28. After I was raped, I took to the internet to help figure things out..so I started my own blog. Writing makes a world of difference for me. Like you, I hope to help other people struggling. It takes time, a lot of time. It's good to feel like you aren't alone!

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  29. Hello there,

    You have a really wonderful blog which has clearly inspired and helped a lot of people to move on from sexual violence. I’m sorry if my comment seems out of place but I couldn’t find an option to message you privately. I am a postgraduate student from the UK and I am currently researching the role of blogging for survivors of sexual assault. I would really appreciate it if you could spare a couple of moments to contact me as I am interested in using your blog as part of my research, and would like to provide you with more information. My email address is lalita.shrestha@stu.mmu.ac.uk.

    Thank you so much for your time. Have a great day and I wish you all the best in your journey to healing.

    Lalita

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  30. Hi, I am a rape victim in a small town in colorado. I don't remember anything of what happened to me other than the fact that I was walking with my friend to a pickup and my parents took me home while I was screaming. I got home and my mom is calking the cops and getting an ambulance to take me and make sure I don't die. When the cops arrive he makes me blow in a gage and I am 2 times over the legal adult limit for alcohol consumption. Then my mother sees my bra is messed up. She takes me into her room and pulls down my shirt and my bra straps are off and my bra is upside down. I started screaming I don't remember anything what happened. And the cops said I could have died from alcohol poisoning, they said keep me up as long as they can. The next morning they take me to a hospital to make sure nothing sexual happened. When I get there the lady told me I had a bite mark on my cheek and a lot of bruises all over my body. I am still messed up because they put a drung in my drink that'd made u forget what happened. Then later that day I went to the PDA office and talked to the advocate about what I can do. Ever since that day around the time 5-6 I have freak out moments because that's the time I lost my mrmory. I know the people who did it to. My boyfriend at the time, one of my good friends who was a girl the age 16 and their friend who is 22 and now in custody not charged with any rape charges but the girl is facing them. The other boy may well be to. I live in a small town about 300 people at the most so news travails fast. Half believe me or they don't because they are related or are good friends of the people who rapped me. My classmates make fun of me and my ex who let everything happen is in the same grade as me so I deal with him everyday and he acts guilty because I found him cheating on me with the girl who rapped me. At this point I don't know what to do and it happened about 6 months ago on August 9. I am really worried that they will get out and that they will laugh in my face and call me a pier beucase I don't remember what happened all we know is something did happen and its about a mother 6 months to a year before the rape kit gets back. I am scared if I don't win I will be really depresses and do something stupid. How can I keep myself from hurting my self or someone else when they talk about it since I live in a small town and they all know what happened?

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    1. Almost the same story with me. The person who I was inlove with let it happen. I am 19 years old. This happened when I was 17. Hun, let me tell you something. My BIGGEST regret is not telling the cops about it. I live with the constant "What if... ". Now my rapists are happy and I feel like an idiot for letting the chance of them being charged fly away. If they don't get convicted, don't feel like the world is ending. You at least tried, unlike me. You were able to defend yourself! I feel like the biggest idiot for not doing so. In these cases you have to allow your survivor personality to kick in. I mean you have probably cried enough so it's time to wipe off the tears and stand up with a fist made out of metal. I know the freak out moments you talk about because I had them too. But they will go away. I promise. You just have to be very strong and let time ease down the torment. I promise things will get better! Let the world see your confidence even if you don't have it within you. Who cares if they all know. Don't be ashamed for its not you who should feel ashamed, it should be them. They are garbage, you are gold. They are darkness, you are light.

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  31. It will almost be two years since it happened to me and there still not one day goes by without being hunted by images. In these images I can see myself as if it were a scene of a movie rather than a memory. This scene happens so fast I can't stop my brain. I try to be strong but deeply inside of me there is a voice that tells me that I am guilty, its my fault. However, I am so much better than last year. I like to tell people I was " sick" last year. rather than go into detail about how my common sense twisted upside down, how dirty I was with malice, how depressed I felt, how I saw no point in life, how much I drank, a mess. I have climbed out of that really really dark whole. And now I feel so strong. But also now I am just constantly paranoid. Even this post was hard to make because I feel my identity could be revealed. There were pictures and videos of my rape and I feel like at any point of my life they will go undercover. I feel like the men who raped me are reading this right now. I am scared. I also feel like life is not fair, God has let me down. The rapists are having a good future now. I stalk them. Why were they not punished ? I want to hurt them as much as they hurt me. I want them to have a scar like mine. I want their lifes to change forever, like mine did. I am sorry for being so cliche. I just feel alone. I gave up on trying to explain my friends how it feels because they don't understand. So here I am. Almost 4 am. I will wake up at 6am. Googling " rape" on the internet to see if someone else feels or felt what I feel. In a deep state of solitude.

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