Sunday, December 4, 2011

Just say it!

It's been a while since I've written anything. I find it hard these days. I don't know why. I'm finding it really hard to accept what happened, after everything I've been through in the last year and a bit I still can't accept what happened. I can't call it what it is, I can't say it at all. The words won't come out of my mouth. Why can't I just say it...'i was raped'..'i was raped'..'i was raped'..no i can't say it, i can barely write it. It still all feels like a movie in my head. My mind can't seem to connect to the fact that this actually happened to  me. It's not a movie, it's not a bad dream it's reality. I find myself keeping away from anything that reminds me of it like twitter and this blog and pandys.org and friends I have met online who have supported me because it reminds me. It makes me face the reality of what happened and I'm afraid to face it. It was so much easier when I blamed myself.

Why can't I just accept that he raped me, that he knew I didn't want it and he did it anyway. Ofcourse he knew it's not like I didn't fight, so it's rape then..just say it..'i was raped'. Nope still can't.

Does it ever get any easier?! I want to lie down and sleep and not wake up. I'm so tired of it all.

15 comments:

  1. ((((Lizzie)))) Here listening......

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  2. admitting even to yourself that what happened was rape is difficult. I remember when I was first raped I knew what he did was wrong and if it happened to someone else I would have considered it rape. But I was unable to admit to myself it was rape for a long time.

    For me personally admitting it took awhile but now I'm able to admit that I was raped.. still have my days sometimes where I started blaming myself.. It's easier to blame yourself as it allows you to believe you werent helpless or lacked control.

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    1. this sounds exactly like what i am thinking now... i think i was raped but i cant admit it, the 2 people i told the story to told me it was rape but i told them it was my fault, even though i said no and pushed him away.... so was i raped!? am i going to have to live with the fact that it wasnt my fault but that i am now a victim of this? he was a child hood friend and all :(

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  3. Thanks guys,

    That's exactly it, in my head I know it was wrong but I can't seem to get it to sink in with me!

    It's so frustrating but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one. thank you!

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  4. You asked me how long it took? prob a few months.. I remember feeling so confused after he raped me.. I was in shock, I didnt know how to feel. I actually believed that even if it was rape he prob didnt mean to rape me and that he didnt realise what he did wrong..

    I realised the severity of it after I went to the cops, him being arrested and finding out that I'd have to go to court.

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  5. Hello my fellow sister of injustice. What happened to you was cruel. You are right to feel that you just want to lay down and just let it all pass... I'm pretty sure I feel that way everyday. Its when I choose to get up that I know I have regained the power back - sometimes I feel its just a little bit of that power back. You should be proud that you already are looking yourself in the mirror and are trying to force the words to come out... It took me 15 years to break my silence. So, you see how strong you are :) Sometimes, its hard to see your own resilence... but I promise, its there.
    Your friend,
    Jordynn Reese

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  6. You are such an inspiration(:
    I hope to god that you keep posting, im going through the same thing. It's been five months sense i was raped, and i still haven't pressed charges.
    Mainly because i would punch him in the teeth if i were to see his face.
    Take my hand honey, we can get through this together(:
    Stay strong, I'll be right here with you the entire time
    <3

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  7. Hey Lizzie,
    I wanted to let you know that I have had to make my blog an invite only and because you are a follower of my blog, I wanted to make sure that you would still be able to read my blog. Please send me your email address so that I can add you. BeautifulSurvivor2011@yahoo.com I hope all is well with you. God Bless and Merry Christmas

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  8. for me its been two years. it wasnt one but two guys and i still see them everynight. in some ways it does get easier, you move on, you accept it but unfortunely it will never leave you.

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  10. i cant talk about it yet...only my best boyfriend knows...i feel like im drowning inside...need help but dont know who to ask for it

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  11. Being a law student, I found it difficult to accept the fact that what we had discussed in criminal law actually happened to me. Your body and mind know what happened wasn't right. Ive been in denial for over a year now. Finally accepting that it was rape has been tough but it is my way of moving forward. I can't let that one incident define my life forever.

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  12. Its been eight years since I was raped, I moved away after a year and a half and just now I am able to talk about it. I am scared I do want to move back home to regain the power I had lost, one moment I feel strong and in charge and then it seems like the next I'm crying because I'm scared. I'm my moments of weakness I think of suicide. That's when I call someone to talk it out. How do I stop blaming myself?

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  13. I'm now 46 and I was raped when I was 13. This guy came up from behind me as I was walking home at about 11 pm. He picked me up from the path I was on and I was raped. It became public news in my small town with my name right there in the local newpaper! It felt like everyone turned against me at that point. My parents blamed me for being at that place at that time, my friends questioned whether it even happened because this guy "seemed" like a nice guy, I went to court for a YEAR and then his lawyer meets with mine and they agree to have him leave the state or I would have to refile the case and bring it to a higher court. What a great lesson for doing the right thing ... for a 13 year old ... right?

    YOU KNOW WHAT?!? I DID do the RIGHT thing. I knew it was the right thing to do but I never thought about WHY it was the right thing. No one was proud of me, no heros kudos, I just dealt with all the problems that stemmed off of doing the RIGHT thing. Alienated by my friends and family, as innocent as I was- I was a slut. Everyday since feeling that it was my fault, even after all the counseling and years pass by.

    TODAY... I realize that I need to forgive myself. I didn't keep my eye on the prize. What did doing the RIGHT thing do? It possibly saved another person from going through same torture or worse. This guy who was not quite 18 so still young and might have learned a lesson from this experience. Perhaps what was meant to happen did happen the way it was supposed to. Today, I say, I'm proud of me! It was worth it. One damaged person as opposed to 2, 3, more damaged people. I'M PROUD OF ME. Just why the heck did it take me so long to realize this - really think it OUT LOUD. It feels so good!

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  14. I was raped and it was a while before I could say it without that instant feeling of "i'm going to throw up/pass out all at once"....and then I started realizing that although I cannot control what happened to me that night, I CAN control how I react to it...and I do my damndest to try and laugh about everything. I am super jumpy and I find myself not only jumping, but also startling my coworkers (when get startled by them). I used to get so upset...I used to cry or get angry....and now I laugh...I see the shocked look on their face and i chuckle. Now when I say I was raped, instead of focusing on what I think they are thinkgin about my rape and how they must be thinking a million things (i am lying, i am wrong, how can i say it so easily) I laugh inside...because RAPE holds no power over me anymore...and their look of discomfort and that "oh shit, what do i say, what do i do" look they give allows me a chuckle or two before I get the chance to talk more...and explain that not I am the same person they have know for years now, but they just happen to know my little "secret"....I let them know there are so many more women/men that are in the same boat as me but cannot or will not speak out...and that there is no set "look" for a victim/survivor of sexual violence, everyone deals with this in their own way and it does not, in any way, mean we are broken/damaged permanantly

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