Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Letter to my rapist

To F.....

Congratulations on getting away with raping me. I've been told that you said that you claimed it was consensual and that you were really drunk and this was your excuse. Your only lucky that Ireland is so behind the times that the justice system took this to be enough of a reason for them to feel that they wouldn't secure a conviction.

We both know what happened. You lured me away from my friends by pretending that you knew were N... was  when I asked you. You lured me down to your tent knowing that N... wasn't there. You convinced me to get into the tent. You knew that you were going to have sex with  me whether I wanted it or not. You brutalised me, savaged my body so much that I couldn't sit down for days without pain. You bruised me and bit me. You did all this while I begged you to stop over and over again. You knew you were hurting me, in fact   the more you hurt me the more aroused you got. I pulled a muscle in my pelvis trying to get away from you so don't pretend that I wanted it. I tried to get you off me. I tried to get out of the tent. Remember when I got you to stop for a second after ages of begging and looking you in the eye begging you to stop, to let me answer my phone. Remember you just pushed me back down on the ground and pushed my phone out of my reach. Of course you remember, you knew exactly what you were doing. Tell me, how is that not rape? Is there any way that it couldn't have been?

You have no idea the pain you have caused me, my family and friends. I hope one day you are in fear for your life, then will you have some idea of what it was like for me in that tent. You should face me and explain yourself. You should face me you coward. You treated me like I wasn't even human, you wouldn't treat an animal the way you treated me, but it's you that isn't human, I am more of a person than you will ever be.

You may think that you have gotten away with it but someday it will come back on you ten fold and you will get what you deserve and if you even think about doing this to another woman you will get caught because it's on record that you were accused of rape by me and you will go to jail then.

If I ever happen to see you or bump in to you I will call you out, I will tell anyone who listens that you are a rapist so stay away from me. I am not afraid of you, you can not hurt me anymore.

Now go to hell you bastard.

19 comments:

  1. Well Done!So proud of you.You are in control.
    (((hugs)))for being so brave :)

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  2. wow. i applaud you so much for your strength. i really need to do this same thing. thank you so much.

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  3. You have come so far in the short time since I first visited your blog. Congratulations. You are courageous and even if it doesn't feel like it, you are beginning to heal from the rape. As for your rapist, karma is a b*tch. She will catch up with him.

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  4. Thanks everyone, your support means alot. I don't feel courageous, what drives me is the fear that it could consume me and I will have no kind of life. I don't want that. I don't just want to exist, I want to live. Yes Karma is a b*tch, I just wish I could be there to see it!

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  5. Dear Survivor,
    I stumbled upon your blog today. I applaud your courage and your will to live and heal. My words will not take the pain away, it won't make it any better but you will heal from this. You've already started the journey. I'm here for you. I don't know you but I'm sending you love.

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  6. Wow.

    Very powerful

    Very emotional

    I can feel your anger burning in your words, i think this is an incredibly brave step and you did your letter justice! Only wish the b*stard could read it but then he probably wouldn't feel any remorse, unfortunately not many do.

    Just, wow thanks for sharing! Hope i can do this one day.

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  7. wow well written and I know it's not easy writing that. It takes a lot of strength ( emotionally) and guts. I can feel the anger and feel I'm able to relate to quite a lot.. Thanks for sharing.

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  8. Thanks everyone...I read it yesterday actually for the first time since i've written it and it's still hard to believe that those words came from me.

    I still feel like I'm so separated from my feelings they are so deeply buried that writing helps me dig them up and process them.

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  9. im a male who was obducted and raped by another male when too drunk to look after myself, my partner blamed me for what happened she left me and had an abortion to get rid of our baby, i now have depression and PTSD iv attempted suicide 4 times, last time i had to have 43 stitches in my wrists, i have only just been released from a phyceatric ward after 2 months, these rapists dont have a clue how they ruin peoples lifes, i swear even though our legal system is so terrible it let him walk away, he will get whats coming to him, i feel as if my whole life which once was happy is now ruined!

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    1. That is really terrible, while the criminal jstice system is horribly inefficient when dealing with women who are raped it is even more so when it is dealing with men. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through but I hope that you manage to find the strength and courage to carry on! Just know that there are people in the world who wish you the very best in life - myself being one of them.

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  10. I am sorry that this happened to you. I just wrote a letter to my rapists a few days ago.

    I hope this letter helped you. Sending you plenty of safe hugs if it is okay.

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  11. I beleive what you are doing is brave, healthy, and very very important for yourself and the man that has brutilized you. I was molested when I was 8, recently I had a pedophile for a.. a.. not a boyfriend but I was getting to know him. He decided to tell me his story... go figure. Yes his story has been given to the proper people to handle it. BUT now I am dealing with my nightmares again, I am dealing with being torn up over a guy that i was starting to have feelings for, and I am dealing with the fact that the girls in his story were the same age I was when I was molested. Today I started my journals again, it helps alot. It also has helped me finding your story and knowing that others use this method to work through their pain as well. I hope I will have clarity again and will have gotten past this ordeal, and I pray for you and your story.

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  12. I was anally raped by my hip hop dance teacher six years ago when I was studying abroad in France. I didn't call it rape or tell anyone until recently. Now I'm trying to deal with it because pushing it under the rug didn't work--it comes out in other ways then==eating disorders, self injury, etc. I was blaming myself instead of him. Now I have a therapist and am dealing with it. Rapists have no idea how much pain they cause. My husband can't even touch me without me starting to cry or have a panic attack. It is so sad, my husband is such a wonderful man.... Anyway, thank you for your post. And thanks to all the people who commented. It is nice to not feel alone.

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  14. Your very brave. I wish I was this brave.

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  15. I just stumbled upon your blog today while I was looking up quotes for a book called- Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson. I thought that stumbling upon your blog was a mistake, but once I started reading, I feel that I was meant to. I WAS a victim of sexual and physical abuse by a family member years ago. I was too young to remember all of the details, but through examinations showed that I was not rape. However, I have suffered PTSD and all types of mental disorders and have been through numbers of therapists and counselors throughout my life. I cannot say that I completely understand what you went through because we are different people and we have had different experiences, but I understand a little. Now I am rambling, lol. The whole point of my comment was to say "YOU ROCK GIRL!" :). You are so strong and you are such a role model! I feel that what happens to us has a reason- my reason is to help people. Men and women who read this blog will gain something, whether you know it or not, I promise you that. Great things will happen to you, I truly believe it.
    Stay strong.

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  16. I wish I could be as strong as you.

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  17. i gec this is a journey i have to take too,to overcome rather deal and come to terms with this nightmre tht i relive every night and day

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  18. I came across across your blog a few weeks ago. All I can say is thank you for your courage! I tried writing to you via Twitter. Is there anyway I could contact you to take part in a project that aims at creating awareness through the art of writing?

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