Thursday, April 26, 2012

Turning a Corner

I know when I started looking at others peoples blogs when I was in the height of all the horrible blackness I was desperately searching for something that would say 'it will get easier'. What I wanted to read was that my life would go back to the way it was before but that's not true is it?!

What I will say is that after almost two years of pretty much hell with a lot of support, therapy and holding on I now feel like I've turned a corner, I've started to feel like I'm surviving something rather than a victim of something.

It sounds pretty bleak if I was back at the beginning and read this I'd be thinking, I can't feel like this for another two days let alone two years but if you are reading this and you are thinking that then let me say this, you will be surprised at how strong you can be even though you don't feel like it, when you are healing and trying to take back your life as time goes on you find that you can look back and say - I'm still suffering a lot but I'm better than I was this time last month or last year and that's what keeps you going.

I don't know how I got to this point, most days I didn't want to be alive then slowly that feeling started to fade, hope started creeping back in and it's hard to see that at the time but looking back that's how it happened.

I feel that I have now turned a corner, my therapy sessions have been cut back to once a month and for the first  time recently I accepted that yes I have been raped, I said it out loud, because I was, no matter if the DPP doesn't prosecute, I was. A horrible life shattering criminal act was done to me and it wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it and I have given myself permission to heal, to think of my future, to love myself and care for myself again because that is what I deserve.

So if anyone feeling total despair reads this then let me tell you that it is hard and you shouldn't have to go through this pain but it's happening, reach out and get the help you need if your not already and I promise you will see a day when this aren't as bleak, you can feel happy again because you deserve it.

If anyone reading this has sought help and thick of it then I promise if you see it through and you allow yourself to work on healing then you will see the day when you turn that corner.

That is where I'm at now, things aren't perfect I still have a bit to go, I still have my good and bad days but I know now that things are and will get better for me.

Here's to letting go of the pain and putting the pieces of our lives back together.

Lizzie xx

17 comments:

  1. Thank you for this uplifting, yet honest post about the healing process. Glad to hear that things are getting better for you. You are on your way to wholeness! Congratulations!!!

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    1. Thanks for the lovely words :-) it means alot!

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  2. It is amazingly horrible what the darkness inside you can make you feel. i know that feeling, though I live a different condition here. It is hard to look out from that fade light, that you're forced to live in.
    Even if life don't appear worth living for, it always is. Thanks for this uplift. Someone coming out of dark gives hope to other for the same.

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    1. Thanks a mil, and thanks for taking the time to read my post and commenting, it always means a lot to hear such encouraging words from everyone :-)

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  3. I'm so happy to hear that you're healing. I was the victim of "rape by fraud/deceit." One of the problems I encountered was that without physical bruises, being duped by a charlatan doesn't seem like rape to the world. The emotional turmoil; however, and the havoc it caused in my life, was horrific.

    I have a poem that I hope a rape victim can gain some comfort with. Although it focuses on rape by deceit, I think other rape victims can gain by it as well. I'm soon to publish a book about my circumstance and am inculding this poem in it, but after reading your post, wanted to pass it along to you.

    Free Yourself

    The pain that festers, kept inside
    Devours you, destroys your pride.
    Takes all the joy of life away,
    Torments you each and every day.

    Injustice lay beneath the glance
    You stumbled on, just happenstance.
    The predator entered in your space-
    You welcomed him with love and grace.

    And when he did his worst to you
    You wondered how you never knew.
    He looked the same as other men
    What’s shown is not always within.

    You need not ask “what did I do?”
    This man who stole the best of you.
    You loved, that’s all, the way you should
    But not all men are up to good.

    So if you find that one who tries,
    To steal your love with countless lies-
    With sword he used to run you through,
    Invisible, kept from your view.

    You learned what your life taught to you,
    You gave your heart and loved him true
    That he’s a lie is all on him
    Don’t beat yourself, “how did I sin?”

    Speak out, let go, and get beyond,
    There is a light with each new dawn.
    Though justice might not come your way,
    Your “speaking out” frees you today.
    For those who don’t believe your past,
    Lived differently, their die was cast,
    Without the pain that you now know,
    Ignorance is bliss, just pass and go.

    You can’t go back, it’s part of you,
    Experience comes from all you knew.
    You’re stronger now, so thank him well,
    You’ve wrested your strength from the man from hell.

    Grieve your loss, release your pain,
    No, innocence can’t return again.
    What doesn’t kill you makes you strong,
    Go live that strength your new life long.

    Joyce Mincheff

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    1. Hi Joyce, thanks so much for your lovely words, I can completely relate to the words in your poem, it sums up exactly what I've been feeling.x

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  4. Congratulations on this emotional break through!! It's not easy but with time we do get stronger! Your courage and determination is so amazing to hear. I am so happy that you are starting to see the light and breaking out of the darkness. One day at a time is all we need to focus on, putting one foot in front of the other. Keep healing girl and thank you for your honesty through your process. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Lisa

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    1. Thanks a mil Lisa, your completely right and thanks for taking the time to read my post and for leaving such lovely words :-)

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  5. I hope to one day make a break through to. Congratulations on yours.

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    1. Hi Kattie, I hope you do to, safe warm hugs to you :-)

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  6. Congratulations! So very glad to hear this! You're awesome! :)

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    1. Thanks a mil and thanks also for reading my post, your pretty awesome yourself!

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  7. It is comforting to hear words from others of self growth after having something horrible happen to them. As a rape survivor I would like to tell you life goes back to the way it was but it never will. Life will get better but it will be different. Some things I have had to work through is trust issues with people. Out of the blue some days will be unbearable but they are worth the pain for the days that will be beautiful. Just remember you have people who love and support you and you need to live your life to the fullest for yourself!

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  8. Thanks TaaanyaJo for the lovely comment x

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  9. http://indianpalmreading.blogspot.in/2012/10/gang-rape-victim-palm-image-palmistry.html

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  10. I am currently in the thick of my own healing from my own rape on Easter weekend, reading this has given me hope that I too can be normal. I was feeling lost and seeing that you can overcome this gives me hope and strength that I too can be happy again. It is an everyday struggle, but your blog has been uplifting and encouraging. Don't stop writing, I am happy I stumbled upon your page for it has restored hope in me when I was stuck in a hopeless place. Thank you

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  11. I've started to feel like I'm surviving something rather than a victim of something.

    I love this. I remember feeling that and it's really the most indescribable thing ever. I just wanted to share something my therapist taught me. She said 'to think if it not as surviving, but at THRIVING.' To thrive out of something so terrible is an interesting concept. But i am way happier and stronger as a result of my rape and Im sure that you are too. And if you aren't, keep your head up. You will be one day :)

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