Wednesday, April 27, 2011

No matter where I turn

It seems like no matter where I turn things are against me. Why is it that there is nothing there to protect the victim. The law is there to protect the accused and when someone is willing to help the victim the law says that they can't. A TD (politician) wanted to support me in my appeal with the DPP but has been told by the DPP that he can't get involved because it would be inappropriate for a public representative to become involved.

So how am I supposed to try and get justice when I can't even go to my public representatives? No matter where I turn to try and get justice for what happened to me there is something that stops it.

No, we can't prosecute your attacker because he had been drinking and so had you.
No, we can't prosecute your attacker because you willingly were alone with him and said you let him kiss you.
No, we can't prosecute your attacker because you didn't scream.
No, you actually can't go to anyone to help you get justice, you can only write a letter to appeal and we will write back, that's it.
No, we can't meet with you to give you an explanation.

I've been so stupid and naive by thinking that by some miracle they will say we made a terrible mistake actually, we can see now that yes this was rape and we are going to give you your day in court.

Silly me, I'll just go back to feeling hopeless and let down and completely defeated once again. What's the point in fighting when you haven't a chance of winning.

Friday, April 22, 2011

A day in the life - a good day

A day in the life of someone trying to overcome. This is a good day today. Nightmares last night, they weren't too bad. Woke up, very groggy from the medication. It takes a while to feel awake. First thought that comes in to my head is what happened. Well it's more of a feeling. You wake up every day with what feels like 10 tons of pressure on your chest with no way of easing it. Anyways, I force myself to get up, get dressed and eat something. I do. I wonder if today is going to be the day that I crack. I feel like that every day but maybe I won't crack at all. I try to figure out what I'm going to do for the day to keep me occupied. I'm not able for much. I clean my room and potter around the house. I check my emails. I think about it all the time, every second. Whether I'm doing something or not.

I gage how I am, am I able for being around people today? Yes, ok I call to my sisters and have tea. Back home, alone with my thoughts. Thinking about what I would be doing if this hadn't of happened.

If this hadn't of happened I would be in work, managing my team. Doing a good job as I've always done, working through some project that I would have started. I loved it.

My friends are coming home for the weekend. I'll have to meet up with them. Their lives are continuing on as normal. Mine isn't. Time has stopped for me, it's hard to see life move on for other people. It hasn't for me.

God, and this is a good day. How depressing.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Baby Steps

I feel like I'm going to crack any time now but I've felt like that for a long time, like I'm hanging on the edge of a cliff and one more gust of wind will knock me over. But when I say knock me over I mean make me fall on the ground and sob for all that I've lost and all that I have endured.

My brain has been blocking everything right now because I can't take anymore at the moment. I need a break from the pain. I am trying to look after myself and not to behave in an unhealthy way. I don't want to act out or do anything stupid. I'm just very composed and that's almost a little bit scary, although I have had some stupid moments.

I do have to acknowledge how far I've come though. When I think back to where I was 3 months ago or 6 months ago I was in a very different place. I wouldn't say it's easier now but I would say that it's different and that I have made steps forward however small. That gives me hope that things will get easier someday and I will make more steps forward. There have been a couple of backward steps but I think I'll focus on the little steps forward I've made. I've spent long enough hating myself and beating myself up over everything. I still say to myself - 'every day I'm going to TRY to be a little more positive than the day before'.

I'm still heartbroken though...

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

It's all sinking in

A lot has changed in the last week, I've moved home to my parents temporarily for 3 months because I'm not coping. I'm off work so I can concentrate on getting myself back to normal. I'm finding it quite difficult, I think since yesterday the decision of the DPP has started to sink in with me.

I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like a victim all over again and I'm just heartbroken and confused by the decision not to prosecute. I don't know how I'm supposed to move past it and I can't stop thinking about how he has won all over again.

I'm finding it hard to find the words at the moment. I just don't understand how any of this has happened. He has destroyed my life and he just gets away with it. He's free now to do it to someone else. I just can't get my head around it. It's all too much.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Afraid of becoming bitter

I feel so angry at the moment. In one way I'm glad because it's different to blaming myself or not wanting to wake up. On the other hand it's hard to feel angry all the time and I'm afraid I'm going to become bitter and twisted and end up alone.

I need to find some way of channelling all this anger in a positive way.....

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Things coming to a head

Things came to a head yesterday with my job. They have already been so patient but they can't keep letting me away with all the sick days I've had. I met with my boss yesterday and was told that I either take a leave of absence or if I keep going the way I'm going I'll lose my job. So I have now had to take 3 months Sick Leave to try and sort my head out.

On the one hand I'm relieved that I can take some time for myself to recover mentally from all that has happened but on the other it's like he's won again. He won that night, he won by not being prosecuted and he's now won again by me having to take time off and casting a shadow over by job. I have worked in my company for 4 years. I have been promoted 4 times since I started. I was just promoted before this happened but had to give that up because I couldn't cope with it. I have always been driven in my career and have always been excellent at my job but now I'm known as the girl who rings in sick.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just find it so hard to grasp that my life has come to this, I don't know how it's happened. I don't get paid for my time off so I don't know how I'm going to manage but I have no choice. It's either this or be fired, I've never been fired from a job.

I'm still reeling from all that's happened in the last week. I'm heartbroken and there's nothing I can do about it except somehow try to move on with my life. To somehow take back bit by bit what I have lost. I have a life to live, I only have one of those so I can't let my life be defined by this, I have to somehow take it back.
I'm worth more that this.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Devastated by the justice system

I am so devastated at the decision. I can't believe it. My life is in shreds and my family have been torn apart by this and all along I hoped that someday  I might see justice, that my rapist will get what he deserves. The fact that they based their decision on alcohol makes me sick, it scares me that the people in this country responsible for our safety are happy to send the message that if someone rapes you while you have drink taken then forget it. That's what you get for drinking in the first place.

And the message it sends to my rapist is not to worry you can attack, bite, bruise, hurt, hold her down, push her back down on the ground as she continually tries to get away, you can stop her answering her phone as her friend calls her repeatedly because she knew something was wrong, as she begs you to stop as she pleads with you to let her go and find her friends as she fights you for over an hour before she finally gave in as long as you have the excuse that you were drunk.

How are you supposed to move on from this and lead a normal life?