Saturday, December 24, 2011

Happy Christmas Rapist

Dear Rapist

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I finished up in work today for the holidays. The only thing is I'm more looking forward to just having a break from struggling every day. A break from getting up for work and putting on a face and just functioning. Because you see, what you did to me means that I can't be like a normal person right now. Just functioning day to day is exhausting because I'm carrying you and what you did around with me every day. I'll go home and I'll joke and laugh and spend time with my family and friends and do all the normal Christmas things but you will always be there through every second of it.

You've no idea how exhausting that is. I can't let go of any of it, I can't let go of the pain, I'm still absorbed by you and what you did. I want to let it go but I can't seem to. You just got away with it. I never got to face you. Your life is fine, going on as normal, do you ever think about what you did? Are you in any way sorry? I'm literally shattered. I want you to hurt like I'm hurting now, like I've been hurting all this time. 

Nobody around me knows how bad things are for me, I'm great at hiding it all away. I can't bare to look at myself through their eyes. It makes it all too real. I just wish I could hide it from myself. 

You won't beat me though, I'll get there eventually. You may have won that night but I won't let you keep winning. I'll get there, I'll find peace. I'll find me again.


11 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing.

    I understand how you feel.

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  2. Yes thank you for sharing. Stay strong.

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  3. so sorry for what you went through and how raw it is still. I hope you get the help you need and get the friends who will understand. I have found that the combination of a very good therapist and at least one good friend and ringing samaritans whenever I feel in pain and alone, is getting me through. It is a hard journey but I send you hugs and I have only just found your blog. Mine is closed for the moment to the public but would be happy to give you access.

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  4. Hi Lizzie, I was raped by a stranger. Please read my story @ www.imanimeansfaith.com .I will start blogging about it as well. You may contact me on my page if you want to chat with someone who knows what you are feeling. Peace.

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  5. Hey I'm going to start reading your blog.. I did like this one.. Explained how I felt new years day. I was raped just before and I was in shock till three days later after christmas passed. If you want to take a look at mine you can. I just put a post up about last night and what happened that just reminded me that I'm not as healed as I thought I was. Be strong. I'm trying my best to be for me and my son. I'm trying to... it's been hard. But I do hope things are better. I'm going to take a look if you have any recent blogs.
    http://grasphope.blogspot.com/

    Let's be strong together.... We'll get there... Sooon we will find that peace!! we have to.. it's in our grasp!
    We have to believe that!

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  6. The hardest thing for me was always the constant questioning about how he could do this to me. It was unbelievably hard to let go of the pain especially considering the betrayal felt so strong - I couldnt imagine how someone who supposedly cared about me - someone I thought I knew could do this to me!?

    I'd wonder how he was doing - whether he thought about it or not. Hope things are better. This post was really relatable and talked about things I felt which I wasnt able to say as I'm not good at wording things.

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  7. I was sexually abused December 28, 2011. Three days after christmas. The day of love and happiness. I found your blog and I feel so safe. Your words give me comfort. I see a counselor and I do take a few antidepressants but I've never felt safe. Ever and you give me hope.

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  8. recently in Delhi, India there was a horrendous incident and it left the nation scarred. i cant imagine how hard it must be for you. it just breaks my heart. i hope you get to meet Joyce Meyer. look her up on Google. if i may, please do reach out for healing and help. i pray your life will have all the love you could ever ask for.

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  9. Hello, i've read a few of your posts and I think we are going through a lot of the same things. I was gang raped 8 months ago by 2 of my 'at the time boyfriends friends'. Sometimes when I read what you wrote I feel like I could have written it.. like your writing exactly what I feel.. I would really like to talk to you at somepoint if you have the time. If not then thank you for writing and making me fell like im not alone. there is a contact section on my webstie diaryofarapevictim.weebly.com :)

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  10. Its been over 8 & 7years respectively. What?! Yes, you're right. i have been raped twice in my life, at 14 & 15years old respectively-once by a stranger and the other time by a then "friend" who wanted to get me for refusing to go out with him.
    I definitely dont feel human and see no point to life anymore as much as i try to convince myself otherwise. I have simply lost the ability to trust anyone and have not been able to have a boyfriend for over 5years as i just cannot trust and i'm too scared of sex and no guy wants a sex-free relationship.
    Sometimes i feel like ending it but what encourages me to hold on is the pity i feel for my parents & siblings if i decide to kill myself.
    Its been very hard to forget let alone heal but people, stories and blogs like yours gives me "at the moment" encouragement. Thank you

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  11. I'm sure the rapist appreciates the sentiment and is happy to hear your keeping him in mind

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