Saturday, April 16, 2016

It's been a long time

It's been a long time since I've posted anything.  I have a three year old son now who is amazing! The reason I'm posting is that I've always looked at this blog as part of my therapy,  a form of healing.  I have been doing overall ok the last few years.  I suffer from anxiety still but I can manage it well enough. But lately something has changed,  I haven't been able to get a handle on her panic and anxiety.  All of a sudden I'm having away nightmares again and I constantly have that feeling of panic and tension which I haven't felt this strongly in years.  The only thing I figure is that I went back to study and was doing amazing there,  I loved it but due to cutbacks the childcare was closed down suddenly and I can no longer continue my studies.  It was very sudden and really unfair on everyone affected.  Anyway I feel like the rug was pulled from under me and it seems to have kickstarted this reaction from me.  At this stage I think the thing that started it seems to have passed but I'm still hanging on to the feelings and the panic is getting worse.  It's very frustrating,  I can't seem to switch it off!!

25 comments:

  1. I Recently wrote a piece that i hope allows you to find peace, I am a spoken word artist and i find your strength and courage inspirational. https://soundcloud.com/freespirit_ekundayo/i-am-fear

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  2. I Recently wrote a piece that i hope allows you to find peace, I am a spoken word artist and i find your strength and courage inspirational. https://soundcloud.com/freespirit_ekundayo/i-am-fear

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  3. Hi, I have just come to the internet and found your blog. I was raped in Dec 2009 and am also in a similar position where I feel that I am somehow relapsing after seemingly 'getting through' the most awful and difficult time of my life. I suppose we are going to encounter these triggers to our trauma, which makes it sound simple, I know.. but it isn't. Not really sure what to say as at the moment I have no answers but I felt like I wanted to reach out & make contact. Hopefully you'll see this message (I've never replied to a blog before) and know that you are not alone in the world. Thank you for your blog. It has helped me reading it at this moment in time. Sending love and thoughts to you, wherever you are.

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  4. I was raped October 2015, and I still feel the way you do. Today, somebody made a joke about rape, and I got really upset. This is not something to joke about. It affects so many lives. It is an ongoing struggle to get through rape. I am here as many others are as well. Stay strong!

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  5. I was raped in 2009 and despite thinking that I was completely over it, there are times were I start feeling anxious and the nightmares start all over again. Part of me considers that perhaps I didn't get enough counselling but I feel like enough time has passed that I should be over it. The truth is that no matter how long ago it happened, it will always affect us and come back to haunt us. We will always be sensitive around this topic and sometimes trying to be brave and talk openly about it will still reduce us to tears, even after years have gone by. There will always be times in our lives where things are tough and we get triggered back to that point in our lives and the recovery we needed to follow as well as the fallout thereafter. It's tough to know that my perpetrators were never found and I will never feel closure because they are still out there somewhere. I am thankful to be hiv negative and count my blessings every day but it's tough to ignore the external and internal scars. Since the incident I have been able to move on and have the most amazing boyfriend, I just wish this never affected me anymore.

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    1. im glad slut take it upthe ass while u sleep

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  6. I was raped at age 7 by my Vietnam Vet father and just found out this month he died in 2014. What a relief.

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  7. I was raped January 1st 2010. And I have only just started therapy after having a major panic attack/mental breakdown surrounding one of the caes in the media (in June). I am married and have two beautiful children, and also thought I was doing just fine. I have always trivialized what I went through, and still do to this very second. I don't ever want anyone to look at me and say that I am a rape victim or survivor. I hate those words. I would go with victim over survivor, but I hate it. I feel like by telling people, I am branded. But, simultaneously, I HAVE to tell people. I HAVE to get it out. I absolutely have to. It is such a difficult thing to reconcile. Thank you for putting your story out there and maybe eventually I will have the strength to do the same.

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    1. I am glad you got raped. Women need to concentrate on sucking the dick and letting men suck the titty.If I could tie you up and make you breast feed me I would. RAPE FOR LIFE. MALE RIGHTS! LEGALIZE RAPE 2016!!!

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    2. wooo!!! glad to see a man standin up against bitches be hhating, YALL BE HARLOTS,philosophy of rape bitches lemme suck the tits

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  8. I am so glad you were raped Lizzie. You have given so many men something new to masterbate to. Bravo!

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    1. liz if i put my nutz in yo mouth would you cancer check them wit yo tongue?

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    2. Your disgusting. You should invest more time in educating your ignorant self as opposed to degrading and insulting a trauma this women and many others have faced...

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    3. Trauma because she got laid? Give me a break. Sex with consent is a dick in the vagina, sex without contest is dick on the vagina. You're not special.

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  9. Hun, when you read this, please remove the selfish comments being left.
    I want to reach out to you to ask you and other survivors about how they feel about the support that is available around them? About 8 years ago I wanted to form a kind of support/motivation group for other survivors as a way to connect in a positive way, but I was so put off that I never went ahead with it and have since moved on on my own to the point that I can't remember the last time I had a flashback. I wonder if I am so disconnected that I wouldn't be able to relate to anyone anymore or help them. I've tried contacting the local rape crisis centre near me to see if they would be interested in forming a positive support/activities/befriending group...but after 2 weeks I've heard nothing from them and doubt I will do. Is this something other survivors would be interested in? - a way of meeting others who share a horrible experience, but without talking about it, rather to learn something new, or to socialise with others who naturally understand you?

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    1. Toronto rape crisis does have group counselling but Im not exactly sure of the structure of the groups. I agree that there should be improved access to such groups.

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  10. EAST LONGMEADOW, MA (WGGB/WSHM) - There is shocking news coming out against the Kumon Franchise owner of a Kumon Math & Reading tutoring center who is now facing charges of sexual assault and rape.

    Kumon franchise owner Jimmy Chang, 32, of East Longmeadow was arrested in Manchester, CT. He is facing 12 counts of second degree sexual assault of minors.

    Back in March, the 17-year-old victim went to the Manchester, CT police department and said Chang allegedly manipulated her into a long-term sexual relationship.

    The victim reportedly told police that from 2012 to 2014, Chang would pick her up from her school or home to perform sexual favors.

    The teenager also said that at times, Chang would have her meet him at his Kumon learning center - Kumon Math and Reading Center in Longmeadow - where he would provide alcohol to her prior to sex.

    Besides being a Kumon instructor, Chang is also a youth pastor at a church in Agawam, which he and the victim both attended.

    The girl said Kumon franchisee Chang would allegedly ask her to dress like a "school girl" and meet him at that church where other sexual encounters would occur.

    According to court documents, the victim told Chang that she "wanted to wait - to save my virginity [..] as a Christian you are supposed to save your virginity. He responded 'do you really want to?'"

    During his arrest, Chang reportedly told police, "I realized I messed up." As a Kumon instructor he admitted to have taken advantage of his role at the Kumon Math & Reading center a.k.a Kumon learning center, and committed sexual crimes against the Kumon student.

    Chang appeared in court in Connecticut Tuesday where he was bonded out of jail.

    The victim's identity is not being released.

    For more details see: http://www.westernmassnews.com/story/29718919/east-longmeadow-man-arrested-on-sexual-assault-charges-in-ct

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  11. Very inspiring to read your blog. Stay strong love, your not alone! <3

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  12. Woman have sex all the time with whomever and it gives them pleasure, what difference does it make if they rape you it's all just sex. Rape victims are always on these sites being cry baby bitches like "oh my god I had sex last light like every other night but this was different because I make it so... cry cry boo hoo... give me attention because daddy never gave me any"

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    1. To some people sex is sacred and if that sanctity is violated it takes away from them something intangible.

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  13. its been 5 months today, since that horrible night that destroyed me forever. I am Megha and i am 26 year old. I work as a business analyst in Pune and my life used to be a really good one. I come from a good family and was always pampered by them. And when i came away from my house i found a guy who did the same. It was during my MBA when I met ankit. He was my knight in the shining Armor the day I met him. We were having fun and ended up falling in love with each other to the extent that we decided we were going to marry each other. He lived in Bangalore and would come to meet me whenever he could and I would do the same. Life was heaven for me.
    But then my life had to take turn for the worst to happen. It was any like any other long awaited weekend away from office work and relaxing. I had been living in pune for 4 months now and I had made some good friends. So we decided to go to a club. I had never been drank before so when we reached there, within a few moments, it became my friend’s duty to make me drink. After saying no for a while I gave in and drank some, it was not pleasant and before I realized I was a bit tipsy but in full control of myself. We had fun, we danced, we ate and we talked. It was already 11:30 and this was totally the new to me. I had never been out so late as this was the first time I was out of my city.

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    1. Soon we decided to call it a day and headed back to our homes. Now I was with a friend of mine and we called a cab. Rohit (a friend of a friend) decided to tag along with us as he was going in the same direction. The cab arrived and we departed. Soon when we were half way to home, my friend got a call from her boyfriend and he said he wanted to meet. She immediately stopped the cab and got out telling me she was sorry and all.
      I knew she was going to spend the night with him and anything I would say would be taken in the wrong way so I kept my mouth shut. So now it was me and Rohit in the cab and he was pretty drunk and not in a good way. I was a bit uncomfortable and but convinced myself otherwise. It was when we were on the aundh road, then suddenly the cab driver took a different route. When I asked him about it he said something about the road not being good and all. I hinted rohit that I was suspicious of the driver but he didn’t worry that much. I calmed myself as rohit was with me so I was assured that nothing bad would happen. Little did I know, what fate had planned for me. rohit started to touch me casually and started making some inappropriate jokes. His hands started to touch my thighs and my back.

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    2. Then out of the blue he said,” you are so sexy”
      I was surprised and cofused as how to react to this. I didn’t say anything. I was too scared to object. My mind was clouded by fear and I didn’t even notice that we were headed to some deserted area, an under construction building. The car stopped and the driver looked at me and said madamji aa gye aapki manzil…I was so scared that I couldn’t think scared and I turned to rohit which was a even bigger shock, he was smiling. I tried to scream and call my friends but I was silenced and my phone was switched off and thrown. The cab driver was not the ola driver I booked, he was with rohit. He planned to do this to me and roommate. She got off but I couldn’t.
      That was the day when I was raped. I died that day and I am dying from the pain till today.

      People come to me and sympathize. They ask me how am I? what should I tell them?
      My life ended. My parents who were so proud of me cried and cried. I was glad that they are with me but when their tears stopped, then came a remark from my dad, “pee k ghumegi to yahi hoga, kya kami rkhi humne teri life me jo tune ye sab b krna shuru kr dia”
      I was killed by his words. My own parents blamed my for being drunk, for being raped.

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  14. But this was not the end. Ankit was still there, the guy who loved me and wanted to marry me. The guy who was feeling my pain equally and was with me until he got over the fact that I was the victim. He said he couldn’t marry me bcoz his family wont accept it. He left me. All the love and all those promises, he broke me and went away to marry some rich girl his parents found for him.
    This was another death for me. And till date, I live with these deaths. Everyday. Like anew one. I die again and again.
    Today, I am living in delhi, working to live my life. I left my home and left everything that didn’t deserve me. But whatever I do, I still cant make this pain go away. I still die everyday.
    Maybe dad was right, maybe it was my fault, it was my fault to trust, to try to live a life, to try to be someone I wanted to be. To try to be happy.

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  15. Hey,nice content .
    I just shed my views on same topic ,if you find yourself to take your eyes through.
    21ashwini.blogspot.com

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