Monday, July 30, 2012
2 years on
So tomorrow will mark 2 years since it happened. I'm finding today tough, I feel an awful feeling of dread hanging over me. I'm trying to think of the positives like how far I've come, how much better my life is lately but I think I'm also aloud to be a bit sad today. Everyone's comments lately have been so amazing. It lifts my heart.
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You are definitely right - you are allowed to feel however you feel - and if sadness is one of those feelings, that is okay. We cannot control how we feel, so just allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you need to.
ReplyDeleteI hope today and tomorrow, and the many days after go okay. Remember that you are not in that situation any longer, and that there is no possible way to undo all of the work you've done since.
I hope you write again soon.
I read your blogs and I'm all too familiar with your writings. I read them and think this is me. I've never said that before. Countless counselors could never get me to relate to them and therefore never helped me!
ReplyDeleteAs a young child I was raped repeatedly by two of my uncles, as a young girl 11-17 I was raped repeatedly by my dad with my step mom knowing all a long, at 14 raped and beaten by a stranger a gun held to my head if I spoke out and clear warnings of harm to come. I thought then my dad would stop but he did not. Only the stranger was caught and paid a small price. My family members never faced the music. I cried for help often and was called a liar and whore. My step mom would tell me to stop crying about it b/c it wasn't hurting me and I didn't need attention.
Some how I moved on with life. To this day I still don't know how. The harshest realizations came to me today... 1. Even as an adult I'm laughed at and called a liar by a daughter in law b/c I tried to warn her so my grand babies won't get hurt 2. The same as I was not protected by those who were suppose to love me most and by those in cps offices who say they are there for you, the child, THEY DON'T HEAR YOU 3. I am not safe and never will feel the warmth of safety again and at the same time my grand daughters are not either and there's nothing I can do about it b/c stupid me didn't walk away and lose that connection!
I tried for many years to put it behind me, forget it, pretend it never happened. I tried to be 'daddy's little girl' But one day I realized 7 years ago I should've walked away a long long time ago and never looked back but for whatever reason I didn't. Now today I pay an even harder price b/c I can't protect my grand daughters since family convinced my son and her that I'm a liar. How can I live with myself now???
Today I am 42, 2 grown children of my own, a husband of 20 years.. I'll never know how I am worthy of a husband that truely cares but even still I question.. does he??? Today was a sad reminder it'll never go away, I'll always be a liar and whore.
Some how some way I still woke up again today to face the music. I wish I could go to sleep.
It is coming up on the one year anniversary since I was raped and now more than ever I feel the need to reach out beyond my closest friends. My Birthday is at the end of this month and one year ago, with my 3 closest friends, while out celebrating my 23rd birthday- I was raped. I was in the final semester of my undergraduate college career and luckily had a university/ staff that worked with me to ensure I could have the flexibility I needed yet still graduate. I have graduated college, have a job, and living on my own. Things are finally falling into place. Now that I sometimes have down time, my mind has become more clouded and although I am not alone, I feel as though I have no one to reach out to. I started counseling 3 weeks ago at a very nice facility, due to the anxiety and lack of focus that has built. I don't want to think that my birthday will forever be tarnished. I am working on validating my feelings and being compassionate towards myself, but, I occasionally have outbursts that come out of nowhere and lead to a slightly irrational/ very hysterical me. I get very bothered when even the word "rape" is used (in any context) and have snapped at a friend of a friend I didn't even know because he thought it was appropriate & "funny" to joke about rape. I feel as though the more times I have these episodes I will end up scaring everyone off. We grow up learning that if you do something wrong- there will be consequences. I am finding anger in myself recently in that "how can someone tell me, its not my fault- what he did is wrong" yet also tell me "majority of cases don't end in punishment". It feels so backwards in that everyone wants to help me get better by telling me its not my fault yet essentially, i have to accept what happened to me because most likely nothing will be done about it. Most days I try to physically exhaust myself so I sleep at night but sometimes, that isn't enough. I am so anxious not knowing what the anniversary will be like and even more anxious knowing that it falls on a work day- what if I can't keep it together at work? what if I call off work (then my family will think something is wrong & be in my business, which bothers me more)? will it be better to be alone or with people that day? How am I so sure of my path and goal in life, yet, have no control over my emotions? I feel very confused/ frustrated/ angry/ hurt/ lonely/ trapped/ & discouraged.
ReplyDeleteIt's not your fault.
DeleteI was raped by a man who I tried dating afterwards only to find out that he was recording us without ever asking or giving me a choice. I found the stuff on the internet and went to the police would said there was nothing he could do about it, even though this guys name came up on the website!!!! I am currently being charged for harassment as it seems it was okay for him to contact me regarding sex. But I was never allowed to contact him. IF they had a law that states notarized contacts between consenting party where the only legal way to practice this so called civil right, it would protect girls like me who don't and didn't want to be part of that community. They won't even address this issue, they are claiming that I have to take responsibility for my actions which I am fine with, but why aren't they making this person accountable for his?
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story and being public about it.
ReplyDeleteWomen should NEVER stop talking about rape and NEVER stop taking legal action. Please. Even when we think those who do it will only be lightly punished or not at all. The more we cry out, the more we can change this perception, because rape is a serious crime!
It's important that we keep trying to get these perpetrators punished. Because when we don't do anything about it, then they, and everyone else, start thinking rape is normal and stop recognising the physical and psychological pain it causes. It's grossly cruel and unjust.
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ReplyDeleteYo, What the fuck? A white man fucking kills a women in an extremely punishing way, (very sick and sadistic) and THEN rapes her? WTF!!?!?!?
ReplyDeleteYo, I thought I was bad...You ain't see shit till you see this shit...OMFG!
Pray for that woman yo!
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