Tuesday, September 20, 2011

How do you start to talk about it?

I was in therapy last week and couldn't really say much, we are at the point now where all that's left to talk about is the rape itself and I just can't go there yet. You would think that it's all we talk about but it's not. Yes it's a factor in every session but most of what we have been focusing on so far is issues from my childhood and building up my strength really. We were in the session last week and I just couldn't get the words out. The thought of talking about any part of it in a real way scares the hell out of me.

So far my coping mechanism is to talk about what happened in a disassociated way. When I do talk about it I have to keep it matter of fact as if I was talking about what I was going to have for dinner. When you actually try to get me to talk about it in any real way I freeze. 

I think that's why writing helps me but I know that I'm not going to really heal from this unless I talk about it. It's  just that when I do my head goes back there and I just panic and freeze. All my muscles tense up and I just want to run out of there. Then knowing that I'm not talking about it is making me worse because I know I have to do it. I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable. But I'm scared, I know I'm safe now but that doesn't help. 
I have no idea how to really start talking about it properly, about how I felt, about how scared I was. About how I feel about him getting away with it, about how scared I am that I'll bump in to him one day. 

If I start talking will I fall apart? Have I actually being doing OK recently or have I just been avoiding the whole thing? How do you actually start to put in to words what happened and how you felt? Is it best to just ignore it?


  1. Can I suggest that you find someone you really trust and talk to them. You have shown much spirit so far - one on one talking is easier than writing. It is the unblocking of that door in your mind that is important. I have known people who found comfort talking to their dog. They trust the dog. It may be a long haul but you owe it to yourself and those who love you to make the very best effort possible. Good luck

  2. Hi John, thanks for that. Really good advice. I'm might start talking to my pup! Although then my family would think I'd finally lost it! But i will give it a go. Thanks for taking the time to comment.


  3. I could have written this post word for word. Every time I try to talk about what I know NEEDS to be talked about, I either do it in a dissociated form where its like talking about a grocery list (which I've learned to do quite well) or my life falls apart. I start having nightmares, panic attacks, etc and I can barely function. How do I say what needs to be said when the words scare me so much?

    I don't have the answers, just want you to know I know exactly what you are feeling.

    1. ConfessionsOfARapeSurvivorOctober 6, 2017 at 3:04 AM

      I totally get what you're saying. I was attacked on two separate occasions last year and am just now seeing a therapist about it. It's so hard to admit what happened wasn't ok and talk to my therapist about it. Thanks for being brave and posting this.

  4. I am impressed with how far you have come. You don't know me but I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now. I was recently "attacked" (sorry I cannot say the word yet) just a couple of months ago and so I am trying to really accept this whole thing. Like you, I am so scared that I am just going to fall apart and that the reality and acceptance of this situation will kill me. I have started my own blog about my recovery from my attack and I would appreciate it if you could check it out and become a follower. I could really use the support of another survivor.

  5. Sorry, her is the address for my blog

  6. Hi Lilly, I'm so sorry you are going through a tough time too but it is comforting to know your not alone. If I find out the answer to our question I'll let you know!

    Hi Beautiful Survivor, I'm so sorry this has happened to you, it's so awful and unfair. I can't say the word either, I can just about type it. I know how overwhelming the pain is and honestly I don't think I've accepted it yet at all but what I do know is that while things are still difficult I'm better now than I was 6 months ago and I've no doubt that you will be the same. I'm checking out your blog now!

    Safe hugs
    Lizzie x

  7. Hi to all survivors, I was 9yrs old when I was sexually abused by my father it went on for 3 yrs every Tuesday night while my mum was working back late, he used baby oil I shutter when I hear the word see it on shelves it brings back some bad memories you know what I mean, one night I remember telling him I was going to tell mum he slapped me really hard across the face and threatened to kill her being as young as I was I bought into his crap, one Tuesday night my dad took my brother and I to we're my mum was working I was begging her to let me stay with her of corse that didn't happen, one day at school I happened to tell my best friend who told a teacher they contacted welfare one thing led to another I was removed from my family home sent to my grandmas for a year then my aunties I couldn't even look at my mum I felt like she chose him over me. Teenage years were hard on me trying to cope with it all, it went to court I lost because I couldn't speak just him looking over at me scared me almost felt paralyzed and the questions they ask looking back its disgusting how they make you out to be the bad guy. I turned to drugs after that and alcohol I had 3 jobs going when I quit school I ended up with one at the end cause I just wanted to go out and forget everything, I walked in front of a truck when I was drunk my friend said it just missed me I didn't care I was lost, I ended up in a lot of bad relationships everyone was abusive, one day I broke down busted into tears on the ground and I heard this voice saying "they hated me before they hated you" and I felt this peace come over me, you see my friends would warn my boyfriends she's been raped you better be nice to her and I hated that they would label me like that it would make me feel so dirty you know? I felt like a nothing and a nobody, I started drawing myself closer to god the more I listen to worship music and going to church the more I was getting stronger, I was having such bad flash backs and god has taken them away he is my hero, my strength my everything, I'm married now with three children, I'm not saying you will never think about ever but god gives you the strength the ability to forgive the perpetrator and it's the best blessing you could have cause you start to heal well I was 9 yrs old it stopped when I was 12 I'm now 36yrs old my dad passed away when I was 27yrs old he was 47 he died from melanoma cancer I was there I'd go visit tell him I loved him and I wish I could swap places so he didn't have to go through it, I wrote him a letter to say I wouldn't of wanted another dad he was my hero and I asked him to ask god for forgiveness for what he'd done, I prayed and asked god to forgive him that if I could then he could for me. Only god can take this pain away make you whole again you just have to ask him to come into your life and find a great church, it helped me soooooo much I have been to countless of councillors and they never helped me at all, if any of you have any questions you can ask I'll answer you the best most honest way I can. God bless you all,

  8. I was raped by my in-laws. I don't want to say how long ago it was cause i'm trying to get over it and i think putting the exact date or dates makes me angry. I was married at the time of the rape and still am. This rape has caused myself my husband and our three kids so much trouble. I've always been a strong person and obviously my in-laws didn't like it. I guess instead of wanting to see my husband happy they wanted him to be unhappy like them. They didn't think about the affects the assault could have on my husband or our kids. They only thought of thier own selfish needs or wants. Some loving family huh? I was knocked out for most of the assault but i could still hear them i guess it was the drugs they had shot me up with or the cloth they kept putting over my mouth everytime i came to. It's like my body was asleep but my mind was awake but in a weird state. It's like i went into another place its hard to explain. Anyway they planned to do this to me including his mom and dad and other close relatives and they even brought friends and strangers. I'm having a hard time getting over this because they denied all of it of course. I told my husband and he struggles with it cause he doesn't remember. I've tried to tell him that they knocked him out too and had him at their house but we kept disagreeing so we agreed not to talk about it cause we love each other and want to stay together. It's hard cause we have kids and of course his mom and dad want to see them and i don't want them too cause i'm afraid of i don't even want to say it. I don't trust my so called in-laws and don't want my kids anywhere near them. I don't want to give too many gorry details cause when i do it just makes me remember things i don't want to. I remember so much of it like it was yesterday all i have to do is close my eyes and i can picture it not that i want to but sometimes those awful things that happened 2-3 years ago just pop up. I've been really angry and wanting to go to the police. I told some policemen but i didn't mention names or give descriptions and now i regret it and i threw away everything that reminded me of it.I wish i would have saved all of it so i could give it to police for evidence. I suggest to anyone who was raped and have evidence to keep even though it may be hard put it in a bag and go and report the rape so if you decide to go forward with it the police will have evidence and you'll have a small piece of mind knowing you at least reported it. I think i would feel much better if i would have told everything that happened to me and kept the evidence i had. They did this stuff to me multiple times some seperate from the others so i could have kept underwear the matress shirts anything i thought they might have touched or could have their hair or dna on it. These past years i've tried singing exercising cleaning praying reading the bible writting my bad thoughts on paper and then throwing it away just so many things to keep myself busy. Sometimes they work sometimes they don't. I'm still very angry and sometimes i'm not sure what to do. I want to look for a job but i'm not very comfortable around too many people. I know that i've kind of rambled on about but i wasn't sure where to start what to type and what to leave out. I just wanted to share something tonight or this morning. Being able to write down some of my feelings helps. Maybe next time i'll be able to write it where i can be understood. I keep telling myself to write down everything i remember about the assaults and send it to the police or throw it away to see if that makes me feel any better. I think i've typed enough for tonight. I know God is on my side and will help me with this backpack i've been carrying around(my problems) i just have to believe.

  9. You are actually taking the first step towards healing. By starting to talk about it first, in a disassociated way, you get to admit to yourself that it happened. After that, you should find someone close to you, maybe a close friend or family member, where you can talk about it emotionally because it is only by saying how you feel about it that you let out these pent up feelings. If you can’t let those feelings out, your pain will continue to consume you and you cannot heal properly.
    Vesta Duvall

  10. I can't talk about it. I cannot find the words. I feel voiceless.

  11. I need someone to talk to.... i was raped.. im so scared

  12. I had two separate situations happen about 16 years ago. A few months after the first situation happened I was sent to a treatment center for depression. My counselor told me anything I told her was private. I told her that it happened, no other details, and she immediately told me she'd have to report it. I lied and said I didn't know who the guys were, didn't want to press charges. Never talked about it again. A few months after I got out another situation happened with an ex boyfriend. I never talked about that. Ever. A few months later I was sent to another treatment center for depression. I never talked about what happened and left when I was 18. Last year my boyfriend of 12 years, who doesn't know, told me I needed to go to therapy. It was sort of an ultimatum. My insurance sucks and after a few weeks of searching I finally had to settle with the only therapist in my area who fit my schedule. I was fighting therapy at first, but I've grown to trust him over the months and feel more comfortable. After several months, he's figured out that these things happened and wants me to talk about it. I don't know how. I literally don't even know where to start or what to say. The thoughts go through my head of what I could say but I can't physically let the words leave my mouth. It feels involuntary. My body just freezes and shuts down. I feel like I go into a sort of auto pilot mode. When I leave I think about all the things I should have or could have said and just replay it in my head. I've spent hours upon hours googling how to get over this kind of thing without talking about it and unfortunately everything says it's not possible. I think my boyfriend is going to leave me. Maybe not now, but at some point, if I don't figure my shit out. I'm depressed, I still cut myself, I can't let him touch me, I have nightmares, I'm distant. He's asked me a few times if this has happened and I've said no, now I'm worried that he'll be mad that I've lied for this long. I don't know what to do. How do you start talking about this kind of thing? Part of me knows that talking about it will help, but part of me is scared that I've spent so much time and effort trying to forget about it that all that will have been for nothing. What if I've wasted the last 16 years? Or what if I talk about it and it doesn't get better? What if I can't do this? I hate this whole process and it fucking sucks.

  13. I'm coming out of the closet about it. This has happened to me as well. In high school at view park. I'm a guy so you can only imagine how shamed I feel about it. These days I can't even look at people and now it feels like I'm the rapist or pedophile or w/e. I stare and it's just bad. I'm in therapy and anywhere I go where there's people I'm super quiet. I only open my mouth to say something when I have to and after I do my heart is pumping so much adrenaline it feels like it's gonna burst. I try to act like I'm fine but I'm not it's just an act sadly. And the one guy I knew who said he was raped we don't talk anymore because I was an asshole to him and didn't take it seriously. I'm hurting. I just want to feel better. I've got a part-time job but after my shift I feel like utter baggage. All I want is something to make me feel better afterwards but there's nothing that can actually give it to me. Not video games, not television, so maybe I should just open up about how I really feel to people in a non-disassociating way.