Happy Christmas Rapist

Dear Rapist

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I finished up in work today for the holidays. The only thing is I'm more looking forward to just having a break from struggling every day. A break from getting up for work and putting on a face and just functioning. Because you see, what you did to me means that I can't be like a normal person right now. Just functioning day to day is exhausting because I'm carrying you and what you did around with me every day. I'll go home and I'll joke and laugh and spend time with my family and friends and do all the normal Christmas things but you will always be there through every second of it.

You've no idea how exhausting that is. I can't let go of any of it, I can't let go of the pain, I'm still absorbed by you and what you did. I want to let it go but I can't seem to. You just got away with it. I never got to face you. Your life is fine, going on as normal, do you ever think about what you did? Are you in any way sorry? I'm literally shattered. I want you to hurt like I'm hurting now, like I've been hurting all this time. 

Nobody around me knows how bad things are for me, I'm great at hiding it all away. I can't bare to look at myself through their eyes. It makes it all too real. I just wish I could hide it from myself. 

You won't beat me though, I'll get there eventually. You may have won that night but I won't let you keep winning. I'll get there, I'll find peace. I'll find me again.

Just say it!

It's been a while since I've written anything. I find it hard these days. I don't know why. I'm finding it really hard to accept what happened, after everything I've been through in the last year and a bit I still can't accept what happened. I can't call it what it is, I can't say it at all. The words won't come out of my mouth. Why can't I just say it...'i was raped'..'i was raped'..'i was raped'..no i can't say it, i can barely write it. It still all feels like a movie in my head. My mind can't seem to connect to the fact that this actually happened to  me. It's not a movie, it's not a bad dream it's reality. I find myself keeping away from anything that reminds me of it like twitter and this blog and pandys.org and friends I have met online who have supported me because it reminds me. It makes me face the reality of what happened and I'm afraid to face it. It was so much easier when I blamed myself.

Why can't I just accept that he raped me, that he knew I didn't want it and he did it anyway. Ofcourse he knew it's not like I didn't fight, so it's rape then..just say it..'i was raped'. Nope still can't.

Does it ever get any easier?! I want to lie down and sleep and not wake up. I'm so tired of it all.