Thursday, February 2, 2012

It's been a while

It's been a while since I've posted. The main reason for it because I just had nothing to say. I haven't wanted to face or deal with anything that has happened. I've also being having a very difficult time at work and it's been quite stressful. Sometimes when things are really bad I can't find the words so I just don't say anything.

I'm on a week off work because of stress. I hate this I have never been that type of person but here I am. I've no idea how I got to this place. I've had a couple of breakthroughs in therapy where I faced some tough feelings. I've always been bad at looking after my emotional self, I've always just buried everything so it's been tough to open up and it's taking a long time. I'm getting a bit better at it though. Sometimes I still think how did this happen to me even though it's been a year and a half. It's seems like such a long time but it's gone by in the blink of an eye. I can't even remember most of it.

At least it's another step if I've started to write something again. I want to be able to let go of this and put it behind me, I don't know if that's even possible but I would just like it to stop hurting so much.

8 comments:

  1. Hi Lizzie, that's wonderful that you had some breakthroughs in therapy. I can relate to having difficulty opening up in therapy, so I consider your progress to be a HUGE accomplishment. I know it's tough when everything feels so overwhelming and the hurt is still there, but try not to minimize the importance of such a significant breakthrough. Your hard work is paying off.

    I'm really sorry that you are hurting so much. I can relate to the frustration you described in having to take time out of your life due to overwhelming stress, etc. I hope that your week off helps alleviate some of the stress. Thinking of you and wishing you the best as you continue to plough through this. xxx

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  2. Hey Lizzie,

    I've lived with a rape trauma for nearly five years and some other traumas for nearly 20 years, since I was a small child. Some of the questioning might never go away. But its intensity should fade and affect you less and less each day - especially as you continue to have success in therapy.

    It sounds like you've made faster progress on the trauma healing that I did. It took me four years before I sought any meaningful support. That's a big success!

    Best wishes,
    Scott

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  3. Wow, I just came across your blog in search of some kind support. I completely identify with what you write and I understand as I am a rape survivor as well. I don't feel so alone now and I don't feel so stupid for how I feel. It's 1am and I can't sleep. I'm restless and I have turmoil inside which won't leave me. Thank you for sharing your journey

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  4. I couldn't decide where to post, so I just came back to the top, after reading so many incredible writings. I see a lot of blogs and I write my own and am not usually inclined to read so much. I understand so much of how you are feeling- so raw. The PTSD really rings true for me. I read for longer than i have in a while. thank you for your brave honesty. It is like you have invited me and so many others to your mind- how very intimate and courageous. Here is my blog: http://getthis.cairngrow.net/
    May I put your on mine as a blog that i follow? :) Cairn Grow

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  5. Rape is the fastest growing crime in the world today with the US as the country with the highest number of incidents. One of every four women that attend college has been either raped or suffered from an attempted rape.

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  6. Hi to all, one of the hardest things is to de stress, find something that you enjoy to try and keep your mind off it, Pilates whatever you enjoy, stress can do terrible things to your body, I've had a lot of health problems lately, and my joints all stiffen up I've been in and out of hospital. I know it's easy to say and hard to do sometimes but make a list of all things you enjoy, I use to love horse riding. Safe hugs.

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  7. Hi Lizzie-

    You are indeed brave to be able to confront your feelings in black and white. And it provides the added benefit of helping others who are less able to express themselves get relief through your words.

    I'm attempting to write the story of "rape by deceit", otherwise known as "rape by fraud", that happened to me. Everything about the man I engaged in sex with and fell in love with was bogus.... his age, religion, education, etc. It's a little known form or sexual misconduct that should be as outlawed as other forms of rape. Just as in date rape, a person can't be consenting to sex if they are incapacitated, a person's lies can remove the capacity to actual consent. The perpetrator is other than the person the victim comprehends. The agreement to engage in sex is to the pretended, not the pretender.

    Once the victim becomes aware of the ruse that was used, the feelings of violation are overwhelming. Sometimes, such abuse can last a period of years and complicate the vicitm's life even further. In my case, I gave birth to the son of an imposter. The affects on my life and my son's life were devastating.

    I've done considerable reseach on the internet and rarely find cases where the person was duped to have sex or fall in love with an imposter. I'd be thrilled to hear from anyone who has a similar story.

    I can be reached at jmincheff@gmail.com

    I wish you the best on your road to recovery.

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    1. I just celebrated my 9th year with my daughters rapist step father. He had no idea that his son was doing anything. He was thrilled that I accepted his son and we were a family. Problem is I knew years ago long before I knew him my husband had inappropriately touched his daughter and we talked about it. He attneded all the counceling and said it was a stupid thing he did while under the influence. Want to all the counseling and court proceedings and he acknowledged what he did. Problem is, I was raped by four grown men at the age of 6. I kept it hidden inside for 34 years thinking if I didn't speak of it, it didn't happen. Boy you have no idea how it has affedcted my entire life. I ate myself to 400 lbs. because nobody would want to rape a fat cow. Had gastric bypass because I finally met a great guy and the thought reversed itself. Oh god, if I don't lose this weight he will leave me. Biggest mistake of my life. Oh yeah I am skinny now and told how gorgeous I look but the outside doesn't equal the inside. I am suicidial at times. The flash backs are horrible. I did press charges against his son and put him in prision and it was hard but it was the right thing to do. He had two capital rape/sodomty on a child under the age of 12 and over. My daughter will never be the same. I know the daily struggles I have just to get out of bed. I have lost the will the go on. I want revenge worst than anything but that makes me no better than them. Forgiveness is suppose to be the right thing. but why doesn't it feel that way. My husband and I are not same (all this surfaced May2011). His son writes to me and I don't answer not really sure what to say. "Why did you do this to a 6 year old..? a innocent soul. Now will she ever know what real love is?It is my fault, I am her mother, I had already known the signs considering my past but I didn't protect her. I am a horrible mother. Is it wrong for me to want to runaway from the world? Just get on a plane and disappear? Someone please help me, because my load is so heavy, I am scared of what the future holds for me.

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