I know when I started looking at others peoples blogs when I was in the height of all the horrible blackness I was desperately searching for something that would say 'it will get easier'. What I wanted to read was that my life would go back to the way it was before but that's not true is it?!
What I will say is that after almost two years of pretty much hell with a lot of support, therapy and holding on I now feel like I've turned a corner, I've started to feel like I'm surviving something rather than a victim of something.
It sounds pretty bleak if I was back at the beginning and read this I'd be thinking, I can't feel like this for another two days let alone two years but if you are reading this and you are thinking that then let me say this, you will be surprised at how strong you can be even though you don't feel like it, when you are healing and trying to take back your life as time goes on you find that you can look back and say - I'm still suffering a lot but I'm better than I was this time last month or last year and that's what keeps you going.
I don't know how I got to this point, most days I didn't want to be alive then slowly that feeling started to fade, hope started creeping back in and it's hard to see that at the time but looking back that's how it happened.
I feel that I have now turned a corner, my therapy sessions have been cut back to once a month and for the first time recently I accepted that yes I have been raped, I said it out loud, because I was, no matter if the DPP doesn't prosecute, I was. A horrible life shattering criminal act was done to me and it wasn't my fault and I didn't deserve it and I have given myself permission to heal, to think of my future, to love myself and care for myself again because that is what I deserve.
So if anyone feeling total despair reads this then let me tell you that it is hard and you shouldn't have to go through this pain but it's happening, reach out and get the help you need if your not already and I promise you will see a day when this aren't as bleak, you can feel happy again because you deserve it.
If anyone reading this has sought help and thick of it then I promise if you see it through and you allow yourself to work on healing then you will see the day when you turn that corner.
That is where I'm at now, things aren't perfect I still have a bit to go, I still have my good and bad days but I know now that things are and will get better for me.
Here's to letting go of the pain and putting the pieces of our lives back together.
Lizzie xx
