Happy Christmas Rapist

Dear Rapist

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, I finished up in work today for the holidays. The only thing is I'm more looking forward to just having a break from struggling every day. A break from getting up for work and putting on a face and just functioning. Because you see, what you did to me means that I can't be like a normal person right now. Just functioning day to day is exhausting because I'm carrying you and what you did around with me every day. I'll go home and I'll joke and laugh and spend time with my family and friends and do all the normal Christmas things but you will always be there through every second of it.

You've no idea how exhausting that is. I can't let go of any of it, I can't let go of the pain, I'm still absorbed by you and what you did. I want to let it go but I can't seem to. You just got away with it. I never got to face you. Your life is fine, going on as normal, do you ever think about what you did? Are you in any way sorry? I'm literally shattered. I want you to hurt like I'm hurting now, like I've been hurting all this time. 

Nobody around me knows how bad things are for me, I'm great at hiding it all away. I can't bare to look at myself through their eyes. It makes it all too real. I just wish I could hide it from myself. 

You won't beat me though, I'll get there eventually. You may have won that night but I won't let you keep winning. I'll get there, I'll find peace. I'll find me again.

Just say it!

It's been a while since I've written anything. I find it hard these days. I don't know why. I'm finding it really hard to accept what happened, after everything I've been through in the last year and a bit I still can't accept what happened. I can't call it what it is, I can't say it at all. The words won't come out of my mouth. Why can't I just say it...'i was raped'..'i was raped'..'i was raped'..no i can't say it, i can barely write it. It still all feels like a movie in my head. My mind can't seem to connect to the fact that this actually happened to  me. It's not a movie, it's not a bad dream it's reality. I find myself keeping away from anything that reminds me of it like twitter and this blog and pandys.org and friends I have met online who have supported me because it reminds me. It makes me face the reality of what happened and I'm afraid to face it. It was so much easier when I blamed myself.

Why can't I just accept that he raped me, that he knew I didn't want it and he did it anyway. Ofcourse he knew it's not like I didn't fight, so it's rape then..just say it..'i was raped'. Nope still can't.

Does it ever get any easier?! I want to lie down and sleep and not wake up. I'm so tired of it all.

It's not normal!

Do you have those conversations with you friends/family who in trying to say the right thing just say the wrong thing. I had a conversation today with one of them after a really tough therapy session and I was explaining how I was feeling, now it's actually not that often that I speak to them about it anymore, I just don't bother and just keep everything for my therapist and tonight I was reminded why!

I was explaining to her that I had a tough session and was telling her that I was really really triggered for the first time one night last week and that my therapist said that this was part of the healing process, well anyway my friend said yes it's all normal and you'll get there and the way she said it I found really patronising, I know that she would never mean to come across that way but sometimes I feel like saying to people - don't tell me what I'm feeling or that it's normal or whatever, you don't know..you don't know what's this is like and just because something is 'normal' doesn't mean that it's not absolute hell to go through, it's painful, hard, frustrating, scary, soul destroying, life destroying so sorry but it's not bloody normal. It's might be a 'normal' reaction to a completely and hugely abnormal situation but it's by no means normal!

Just listen to me and give me a hug if I need it, don't just brush it off and tell me it's normal and it will be all better some day because sorry, none of this is ever going to be normal to me!

Panic Attack

Am having the worst panic attack, writing always makes me feel better so I'm going to write until calm is restored. I feel like I can't breathe. It's the middle of the night. I can't sleep. I'm in bed. If I lie on my side I'm getting flashes of lying on my side for  a moment after it happened. If I lie on my back I can feel him on me. I feel like I'm back there. But I'm not I'm safe so just breathe. I'm safe. I'm at home, I'm not alone. He is not here. It's over. I'm safe now. This is a new feeling. The tears are pouring down my face. Memories are just flashing through my mind and I feel like I am back there. I feel like screaming, I didn't scream that night but I feel like screaming now. I can feel everything he did to me. I can almost feel the pain of all of it. I feel sick.

Calm down it's over, your safe. Just breathe. It's ok. Your going to be ok. He can't hurt you anymore. You got away, your safe, it's over now. You survived. Just breathe and think good thoughts.

How I Survived

I had a therapy session today. It's only recently that we have actually started talking about what happened. I've been very frustrated at not being able to feel anything. I remember what happened and I remember how it felt but I'm completely disassociated from it still. I feel very little about it and everything that happened afterwards, the statement, the rape kit, it all feels like a movie, like I've watched it happen from somewhere else.

It is so difficult to deal with the disassociation because on an intellectual level I know that I was raped. I know this happened to me (wow that was hard to even type!) but I still can't feel like it. So far I have been dealing mostly with the symptoms of what happened, PTSD, panic, anxiety, depression etc. I can't seem to believe, understand and accept what happened.

When it was happening my brain went somewhere else, it was running at 100 miles an hour, I kept thinking this isn't happening, what should I do, how can I make it stop, should I scream, should I scratch him, what should I do?? And when I realised that I couldn't get away my mind went somewhere else and it still hasn't fully come back yet. There is a huge gap between associating what happened and accepting that it was actually me it happened to.

My therapist today said that all this is normal, even after over a year later. What happened was so awful and so traumatic that this is 'How I survived'. And it's still how I'm surviving and that's OK. I need to be patient with myself. It's just hard to be because I just want for it not to have happened to me and I want to have my life back. I want to be me again, I don't want to be separated from any part of myself any more. I don't want to be afraid of how I'm going to feel when I finally accept what happened. I just want to be me again. I don't want to be me the girl who was raped. I just want to be me. I want this nightmare journey to end.

A little bit of history about a guy I met

It's been a while since I've written anything. There has been quite a bit going on.

Firstly, my jaw pain came back for quite a bit and it kind of left me exhausted. Work is pretty stressful at the moment. I think the main reason I haven't been able to write anything is because therapy is getting pretty intense and I don't want it to, I want it all to go away and avoid everything. My therapist says I need to talk more. I just feel stuck at the moment, I'm terrified of talking about it, I'm afraid of going back there in my mind.

The other big thing that happened is I HAD A DATE! With a guy, like a real date. Oh my god it was traumatic.

I'll start from the beginning of the story of how the date came about because it's there's a bit of history to it.
About two weeks before what happened happened I met a guy who I got on really well with, we exchanged numbers and were texting every day and were almost at the point of arranging a date when IT happened. When it happened I remember feeling absolutely gutted that I wouldn't be able to meet this guy because I knew I wouldn't be able for it. I even tried being normal with him and texting as normal because I didn't want him to think I didn't like him. This is what shock does to you. I mean I remember texting him trying to be normal with him on my way back from getting the rape kit done. I remember he was texting me on the way to give my statement. It was crazy, at the time I was in such shock that I think I was trying to hold on to something normal and this was normal for me. Anyway, this trying to be normal didn't last long. I couldn't keep it up any more and I didn't want him to think I was giving him the brush off because he seemed like a really nice guy and we got on.

So...I decided to tell him the truth about what happened so I sent him an email explaining that I had hoped that we would meet up but that I had been attacked and didn't think I'd be able to meet up with him after all and that I thought I would just be honest with him rather than make something up. Anyway, he mailed me back saying he was sorry for what happened and to think of him as a friend at least, he was very nice. We kept in contact for a while but it dwindled out. A couple of weeks ago we got back in contact and he asked if he could cook me dinner, he made it very easy and comfortable, as in he cooked me dinner and brought it to my house for us to eat together, we watched a movie then. (My housemate was in the house the whole time, he seems like a nice guy but I wasn't about to be alone in a house with him!) Anyway we were both a bit nervous but we had a nice time.

The next day - yesterday, I was an emotional wreck, for the first time in months I couldn't stop crying. I don't know why, I don't know if it's because I like him and want to see him again or because I'm afraid or because I'm feeling sorry for myself because I can't have a normal interaction with a guy or because of the history that's there or because I'm not ready. I don't know. I don't know why I was so upset, it was a perfectly nice evening.

Maybe I'm not ready and am better off being by myself.

There were times when...

There have been so many many times through this whole experience when everything has just felt too overwhelming and all I've wanted to do is run. When I say many times I mean at least once a day. I'd imagine packing up and leaving and not saying anything to anyone. I'd day dream about this little peaceful cottage by a quiet remote beach where nobody would disturb you and where you could just rest and be.

I think from the moment it happened and for months and months afterwards I have felt like I'm constantly braced for another attack. You  know when you get a fright and you jump and then you relax when you realise it's ok, I haven't relaxed yet. I'm still braced and waiting. On red alert.

I can't wait till I relax and the constant fear goes away, and it's not just being afraid that you'll be attacked again it's being afraid that he'll come after me or that I'll fall apart or something. It's being afraid for yourself in every possible way. I think that's why I'm still disassociated from what happened which is a whole other story. I still find it hard to feel anything about what happened, I find it hard to get upset. I can't seem to accept that this is what's happened to me. Dissociation is crap.

Dealing with the normal stuff

One thing that has really been tough to understand over the last year is my reaction to normal situations. For example work at the moment is a bit stressful between workload and a change in managers and some friction with people in work I find that I am extremely stressed at the situation. I'm having awful nightmares and am back to grinding my teeth in my sleep and have really bad jaw tension pain.

Before the rape a situation like this would stress me out but wouldn't affect me as badly as it is now. I'm finding it very difficult to de-stress after work and it's all beginning to take it's toll on me. I like to as best I can keep what I'm going through in my personal life out of my work life it's already been affected enough but it seems that  these days I can't seem to.

I'm worried that this will be my reaction to any kind of normal stress now. I used to be really good and being under pressure and dealing with stressful situations but now it seems that I can't handle a normal stressful situation anymore. I wonder if it will be like this forever?

How do you start to talk about it?

I was in therapy last week and couldn't really say much, we are at the point now where all that's left to talk about is the rape itself and I just can't go there yet. You would think that it's all we talk about but it's not. Yes it's a factor in every session but most of what we have been focusing on so far is issues from my childhood and building up my strength really. We were in the session last week and I just couldn't get the words out. The thought of talking about any part of it in a real way scares the hell out of me.

So far my coping mechanism is to talk about what happened in a disassociated way. When I do talk about it I have to keep it matter of fact as if I was talking about what I was going to have for dinner. When you actually try to get me to talk about it in any real way I freeze. 

I think that's why writing helps me but I know that I'm not going to really heal from this unless I talk about it. It's  just that when I do my head goes back there and I just panic and freeze. All my muscles tense up and I just want to run out of there. Then knowing that I'm not talking about it is making me worse because I know I have to do it. I know I'm just prolonging the inevitable. But I'm scared, I know I'm safe now but that doesn't help. 

I have no idea how to really start talking about it properly, about how I felt, about how scared I was. About how I feel about him getting away with it, about how scared I am that I'll bump in to him one day. 

If I start talking will I fall apart? Have I actually being doing OK recently or have I just been avoiding the whole thing? How do you actually start to put in to words what happened and how you felt? Is it best to just ignore it?

Saying the word 'rape'

I haven't written anything in a while. I usually wait until I feel the urge to get something off my chest. I've been doing well recently. I'm functioning, I'm going to work and dealing with the day to day. Every now and again I just get an overwhelming sense of sadness, I got it today and it's the first time in a couple of weeks so I suppose I should be grateful for that.

Last week in therapy was the first time that I said the word rape in reference to myself. Normally when I talk about it I say something like 'when what happened happened' or something but I've never been able to say the words rape when referring to me. Even typing it now is hard.

I feel quite emotional today, I don't know why, this whole experience is such a rollercoaster.
I read something today on the RCNI's website, there was a walk organised and it was called 'Walk a mile in her shoes' and it struck a chord with me. If only people who judge and blame the victim ie. me could walk a mile in my shoes. If only my rapist could walk a mile in my shoes, would he be sorry for what he did to me then? Wishful thinking.

Galway Ireland Slutwalk

A Slutwalk has been organised in Galway for the 5th of October. Initially I was on the fence about the term slutwalk but having read the reasons behind the name I fully support it. Slutwalk began because a member of the Toronto Police in Canada remarked that women should avoid dressing like sluts to avoid being sexually assaulted.

It's this kind of narrow minded and frankly stupid remarks that have victims blaming themselves for someone else's violent acts. Anyone in Ireland reading this should do their best to attend.

I'll be there!

https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=208535032516935

What is going on with me?

I don't know what's going on with me the past couple of days but I'm feel so anxious and stressed. I feel like there is a huge pressure in my chest and don't understand why. I feel scared and vulnerable. I feel like I felt just after the attack. Like I'm locked in my own world of fear and panic and I don't know how to get out of it. I just can't shake this feeling and I don't know what it is.

I just don't know how much more I can take. I feel like all the strength I've built up over the past several months is being drained away. I don't know how to work through this feeling to get rid of it. I feel stuck.

It just seems to  be getting worse lately and I'm feeling too overwhelmed. I don't know what to do. I can't wait for therapy this week. I feel like I'm going backwards. I hope this doesn't last.

If you are healing from sexual assault

If you healing from sexual assault and you get out of bed in the morning, You are doing well.

If you healing from sexual assault and you hold down a job, You are amazing.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you are still remotely pleasant to others, You are a lot nicer than me.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you cannot always be there for a friend, You are still a good friend and a strong enough person to know what is best for you.

If you are healing from sexual assault, and find it difficult to care for yourself, but still find the strength to care and love your family than you are strong as well.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you decide to tell your story, You are brave.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you decide that you are not ready to tell your story, You are also brave.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you cry daily or have nightmares, You are normal.

If you are healing from sexual assault and seeing happy, healthy people makes you sad, angry, jealous and worse, Join the club.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you decide to press charges against your perpetrator,
You have incredible courage.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you cannot or choose not to press charges against your perpetrator, Your perpetrator is still the one to blame, and you are smart for knowing what you can handle.

If you are healing from sexual assault and think that what happened was your fault, You are wrong, but you are not alone.

If you are healing from sexual assault and are jealous that some survivors put their abuser in jail, You are one of many.

If you are healing from sexual assault and feel like your significant other truly understands and is 100% supportive, He or she is rare and a keeper.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you have a good support system, It will help A LOT.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you don’t have enough people who understand what you are going through, I strongly recommend joining a support group.

If you are healing from sexual assault and were not believed or supported when you found the courage to tell, You still deserve to be heard, no matter how long ago it was.

If you are healing from sexual assault and you feel like you hate your body, Remember your spirit is held within your body.

If you are healing from sexual assault and feel painfully alone and isolated, Please know that there are thousands of people healing with you in spirit.

If you are healing from sexual assault and there are days where the only thing you are able to do is exist, Remember, we are existing with you till you can live again.

If you are healing from sexual assault but still looking to the future,
You are a survivor.

Oooh here comes the real anger!

I am feeling so angry! Like really angry! I want to beat someone up or do some damage or scream or something. I'm typing and my fingers are banging the keys! Oh how I've longed to feel like this. To not feel logical or not analise or think to much but to just f'ing feel something.

And this time I'm not angry at myself. I'm angry at him and the DPP and the stupid stupid stupid justice system and that evil evil man who hurt me so much and hurt my family and my friends. A man who has done so much damage to me. A man who violated me and degraded me and stole my dignity. A man who made me blame myself, hate myself and hurt myself and got away with all of it. Free to do it again.

I am absolutely raging today. How f'ing dare he do this to me. I didn't deserve that. I'm worth more that to be treated like that. Who did he think he was. AAaaaaaggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel like getting a hatchet to chop some wood or something only I've no hatchet or no wood so I'll go to plan B and kick a football against the wall out in the garden.

I'm am soooooooo ANGRY. Who the hell did he think he was treating another human being like that. He's not human, he's scum. The scum of the earth. Scum!

What is normal?

I think about him a lot, more so lately. His face is in my head and the memories of that night are coming like vivid flashes. He's invading my sleep still. I had thought that I'd be past all this at this stage but obviously not. I'm having some of my worst nightmares lately.

I still feel like a victim when I think about him. I forget how far I've come and how much I've been through and it's just me and him in my mind and the terror I felt that night. The memories are so real that I can almost still feel the pain. The shock. The confusion. The fear. The feeling of helplessness. How it felt hearing all these people nearby but feeling so alone, trying to take back some control of the situation but failing miserably. The moment when I knew I was going nowhere until he was done. I can feel his teeth biting into my skin. I can feel his hands bruising me. I just wanted him to stop but he wouldn't. I remember thinking during it that my life was about to change, that a woman's worst nightmare was happening to me.

You don't realise until it happens to you just how devastating an act it is. When people say 'just get over it' or 'stop being a victim' or 'stop letting him win' but it's not as simple as that, if only it was. It takes a long time, longer than I'd like it to be but that's just the sad awful truth of it.

Will my life ever be normal again? What is normal? I've gone from being a mess of a person not able to function in normal life to now being a mess of a person able to function in normal life. Maybe that's normal?! At least I'm able to function now...baby steps I suppose.

Over the worst

Well I've passed the one year mark and am still intact. I find this week I'm having really bad nightmares about what happened. I'm waking up crying which isn't nice. It's hard to shake the feeling off then for the rest of the day so I've been a bit quiet this week. Other than that work is going really well thank god! I'm kicking ass and feel like my old self in there again.

I'm thinking about him alot lately and am feeling very angry and bitter towards him but I suppose that's normal! Don't feel like saying much today, there are lots of thoughts swirling around in my head and I just want to ignore them today. Taking a time out from trying to sort my head out, I need a break from it. I suppose I'm over the worst of it...am I?

1 Year Today

Oh  God, why am I torturing myself like this. At aprox 1:50am it will be a whole year since the nightmare began. I've been doing really well all day I've kept myself busy and hung out with my best friend. I really have tried to not let it affect me but right now I'm feeling really triggered and panicked. I feel like I can't breathe. My chest feels tight and my mind is racing. I'm trying to breathe through it and distract myself but it's getting harder to do.

I really am trying to treat it like a normal day but it's not is it. I have to get these thoughts out of my head so I can get some sleep and not feel worse tomorrow. I can't wait for this weekend to be over. I wonder does he realize what today is?

I hope sleep will come soon and the nightmares stay away. Should have gone home to my Mammy this weekend. I want my Mammy!

Almost 12 whole months since...

I never thought I'd see the day when it would be 12 months since it happened. Well it will be 12 months this Saturday night. My stomach is sick at the thought of it. I can't wait for it to be over so I can put the last hurdle behind me. At the same time I'm not looking forward to it, obviously! I know I'm going to be upset but you have to allow yourself them days too.

I can barely remember the last 12 months it's just a blur. It's like trying to remember a dream or something. Time has gone by so fast. What an unbelievably horrible, painful, heartbreaking, life changing, traumatic year it's been. But you know what I'm still here, I'm still standing, I'm making it through.

As difficult as this year has been I also know that it's important to acknowledge how much I have gone through and how far I feel I have come. It's been an uphill struggle but I've done it and I'm starting to come through the other side and for that I'm proud.

I wonder does he realize what this weekend is?

There are a couple of songs that come in to my head. One for the sad part of me for all that's gone on (Alanis Morrisette -Mary Jane) and one for the part of me that is proud of myself for how far I've come (M People - Moving on Up).

I found him

I find it hard to type the R word. I still can't say that it happened to me. Anyway, the guy who did this to me we'll call him Freddy well he was a person I had just met. A friend of a friend and for some reason I can't seem to remember his face very clearly. When it first happened we were trying to get as much information on him as possible so myself and my family would do internet searches on him. We were never able to find any information on him. He has no facebook or anything like that. I'm sure everyone else stopped searching for him but I never stopped.

I kind of became obsessed with googling his name every other day to see if I could find him. I found a couple of bits around his college work but couldn't find anything else until today. Today I found a photo of him and can finally see his face clearly. He's real, he exists. I clicked on a page tonight and a picture of him popped up. Right there in my face. I'll never forget his eyes they have haunted my dreams. I don't know how to feel but somehow it makes him more real. I don't know whether that's a good think or a bad thing.

Nearly 12 months

I haven't written in a while, there's been a lot going on with getting back into the routine of going to work. I'm wrecked! But it's good to be back and I'm enjoying being there. I'm so happy that I'm reacting so positively to being back at work there are a lot of painful memories there so it's good that I can still do a good job.

It will be a year since it happened the weekend after next. Some people can't understand why I would let this affect me. I can't understand how they don't see that of course it would affect me. I mean it will be 12 months and the whole weekend I'm going to be thinking this time last year....I don't want to think this way but I can't help it. I'll be ok but it will be tough, that's it. Just let me be upset and then I'll get over it and continue moving on.  It's frustrating. How can I not think about what happened and how much my life has changed and how angry I am that his life hasn't been affected at all? I can't just switch off the feelings, if only I could but I can't, it's a process. It takes time and hard work but I'm doing it so give me a break!

I can hardly remember this past year, it's like trying to remember a dream. It's only now that I am starting to deal with all that I've been through from what happened to reporting it to the DPP's decision. All these huge moments in my life that I have yet to completely process and am only starting to get the strength now through therapy to do it.

Day Four

Well my fourth day back at work is over and work is going ok, I'm managing and coping well I think. I'm finding in the evenings that I'm getting that old ball of stress in my chest. I need to find a way of working through it so that I can function properly. I can't keep coming home with this. Another reason for it is probably that I didn't have counselling last week. I find that if I don't have a session every week then I start feeling very anxious and a little overwhelmed going into the second week. My next session is Thursday and I wish it was now!

I'm going to take up a class in Tai Chi to try and help with the stress I heard that's supposed to be good. It's not one thing that's making me feel this way it's everything and I don't want things to start piling up again.I wish I had a stress valve that you could just open up and let the pressure out when it starts getting to much. Might be tough to go to sleep tonight. Oh well that's life.

Round 336 to me!

I've titled this post 'Round 336 to me' just for the laugh really! I feel like I'm in a boxing match but I'm winning! I went back to work today after being off for 3 months and it actually went well.

I was apprehensive about what people would say knowing that I'd be the talk of the week from the usual gossips.
But I went and I did it and it felt great and I felt in charge and empowered and looking forward to getting back into the swing of it. What a relief!  Phew!! I didn't buckle!


Now if I could just get some sleep that would be great!! Round 336 to me anyway! Yay!

Back to work tomorrow!

Three months ago I finally had to admit that I wasn't coping and took three months leave from work to get my head together a bit. Tomorrow I go back! I am nervous yet excited at the same time. I have come really far with therapy and have built up a bit of strength particularly in the last month. I think my therapist might be a bit of a miracle worker or something. She is really good at her job!

I have had some concerns raised from my family in the last couple of days in relation to my progress. Unfortunately I think they believe I should be further along than I am. I know it's coming from a loving place but the timing of it and the way it was approached was really bad. To bring it up the day before I'm due to return to work was tough and to hear them say that they thought I should be further along than I am hurts a lot and really minimizes how far I have come so far. It would also be nice if they could just stop for a second and say to themselves - we have not been through what she has been through and we aren't therapists so who are we to say. I personally feel that I have come a long way and am proud of the progress I am making.

Anyways, back to work tomorrow, aaaah! I'm nervous but I know I can do it!

Speaking Out

For a long time now as I go through this long difficult battle of healing from my rape I have thought about speaking out publicly about my rape. It's something that I feel strongly about and want to do in the right forum and for the right reasons. The reasons I would like to do this is firstly for me, the DPP decided not to prosecute my rape and therefore there is no road to justice for me. Speaking out will be my way of sticking my fingers up at my rapist and saying f*** you, you did this to me but I survived, I am surviving. Part of me would like him and  his family to see it so they would have some idea of what it has done to me. The other reason I would like to speak out is because I would hope that it would help other victims of sexual assault. I feel let down by my justice system and I feel that as a society people need to understand just how devastating this crime is, until more awareness is raised then this devastating crime will not be treated properly.

It's a sad fact that society tend to blame the victim, maybe this is the reason why it's so hard to get a case to go to trial in Ireland, because it's so hard to get a conviction. I don't know but from what I've researched it certainly feels that way to me.

The only way that I can see to combat this is for victims of rape to speak out and tell their stories. Maybe this way society will get more of an insight in to what the reality of a rape victim life really is. It's not pretty, it's not nice to hear but try going through it!

The more I think about it the more I feel that it's important for me to speak out, to publicly say, this was what happened to me, this is what I have experienced and this is how it's affected my life. I also think, well why shouldn't I, after all, it's his shame not mine.

So...as a rape victim in Ireland, how do I share my story publicly and get people to listen??? I haven't a clue!

11 Months since it happened

It's now 11 months since it happened. This is the last big one before we hit the year mark. I can barely remember the last 11 months. It all feels like some really long nightmare. I wish it was. I found out that my rapist is living the life, well for some. It makes me so mad. I can't believe it's almost a year. I've been off work for the last 3 months. I start back on Wednesday, I am petrified. What if I go back and I find I still can't cope with it. It's not like I can take another 3 months off. It will be the end of the road. I have a lot to prove to myself and those I work with. It's a lot of pressure, another battle. Maybe if I just lie down it will all go away.

Strong enough to fall apart

As you can tell from previous posts I am struggling a lot right now. I am having the worst nightmares I have ever had, the feelings from the nightmares stay with me for the rest of the day. I've been afraid to go asleep because I'm so afraid of what I might dream. I wake up screaming. Mostly the dreams are random. A bunch of very random, violent dreams but the feeling is always the same, I'm always terrified. It's hard to shake that off once you wake up.

I spoke to my therapist today about it and she somehow managed to turn it in to a positive. Basically, I am now mentally stronger which allows my mind to process more details of the full horror of the attack and the aftermath. Whilst I'm glad to be making another mini step forward I'm still scared of where this might lead. I'm scared all the time now, I have a constant feeling of panic, the jaw tension pain is back. I'm now getting nose bleeds. I thought as you moved forward things were supposed to get easier but apparently not. Fantastic! Just when you think your starting to come to terms with what happened you realize, eh no actually now the real fun begins. Now you really have to work hard to stay afloat. Great! Fun times ahead for me.

All this said, I am glad that I'm making steps forward even if it is making me feel so awful at least I'm not stuck    in the hell that is numbness. I am finally feeling something real. I'm still in there somewhere.

Where is my mind

I can't seem to shake this feeling of sadness this week. There's a lot of things swirling around in my head. Things from the last almost 11 months. A lot of things that I was too numb to feel at the time. My cousin died a couple of months after I was raped. It was very sudden and unexpected. I barely remember his funeral. Today was the first time I cried for him. Life has been going on around me for months, good and bad things but I can barely remember it. It's like I've been living in a dream all this time and only have snapshots of the dream. Like everything that's been going on was happening to someone else. Small things like going to the shop for milk or visiting my grandfather in hospital, it was like it was someone else doing that and not me.

Someone else was raped, someone else lost their promotion, someone else had to take 3 months off work, all of it was someone else. My mind went somewhere else the night I was raped and it feels like it's only starting to come back now.

And as the reality of my life slowly starts to dawn on me I feel myself minimizing what happened. I catch myself thinking, well it wasn't that bad, you are making a bigger deal of it than it was, but then I think well how come it's affected me so badly then?

I feel like I've taken steps backwards, I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm hiding in my room and I just feel really really sad. Maybe this is all part of it, a normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

Can't sleep

Sleep will not come to me tonight. I'm afraid of falling asleep, afraid of what I'll dream. Every time I get close to nodding off I think of what happened, I think about the nightmare I had last night and the night before and the night before that. It makes me jump and then I'm wide awake again. I'm so so tired. I wish someone or something could make me feel better. I feel so alone.

It seems to have gotten worse since I've started sharing more in therapy. I can't remember the last time I didn't wake up at some point in the night from a nightmare. Usually it's several times in the night, I'd like things to start getting a bit better now. I'm tired.

Letter to my rapist

To F.....

Congratulations on getting away with raping me. I've been told that you said that you claimed it was consensual and that you were really drunk and this was your excuse. Your only lucky that Ireland is so behind the times that the justice system took this to be enough of a reason for them to feel that they wouldn't secure a conviction.

We both know what happened. You lured me away from my friends by pretending that you knew were N... was  when I asked you. You lured me down to your tent knowing that N... wasn't there. You convinced me to get into the tent. You knew that you were going to have sex with  me whether I wanted it or not. You brutalised me, savaged my body so much that I couldn't sit down for days without pain. You bruised me and bit me. You did all this while I begged you to stop over and over again. You knew you were hurting me, in fact   the more you hurt me the more aroused you got. I pulled a muscle in my pelvis trying to get away from you so don't pretend that I wanted it. I tried to get you off me. I tried to get out of the tent. Remember when I got you to stop for a second after ages of begging and looking you in the eye begging you to stop, to let me answer my phone. Remember you just pushed me back down on the ground and pushed my phone out of my reach. Of course you remember, you knew exactly what you were doing. Tell me, how is that not rape? Is there any way that it couldn't have been?

You have no idea the pain you have caused me, my family and friends. I hope one day you are in fear for your life, then will you have some idea of what it was like for me in that tent. You should face me and explain yourself. You should face me you coward. You treated me like I wasn't even human, you wouldn't treat an animal the way you treated me, but it's you that isn't human, I am more of a person than you will ever be.

You may think that you have gotten away with it but someday it will come back on you ten fold and you will get what you deserve and if you even think about doing this to another woman you will get caught because it's on record that you were accused of rape by me and you will go to jail then.

If I ever happen to see you or bump in to you I will call you out, I will tell anyone who listens that you are a rapist so stay away from me. I am not afraid of you, you can not hurt me anymore.

Now go to hell you bastard.

Sexual Assault Prevention Poster!

I found this poster here, when I first saw the headline I thought, here we go again here is another list of tips to help people prevent a sexual assault. We should be finding ways to prevent the attackers from assaulting for example prosecuting those who a complaint has been made against. 

Again I say, place the blame on the rapist and not on the victim. Anyway, I quite like the poster. If you click on the poster you should be able to get a closer look.

It really happened

I had therapy today and we read through the letter that I wrote to my rapist. It's not something I would ever send him, not this draft anyway! I couldn't read it out so my T did. I couldn't believe the words she was reading were my words. I mean this really happened, it's not a bad dream. He really did this to me. I was raped. Me. Raped. I was. I really was and there's no way I can wipe it away. The day won't come where it will be ok because it's not ok. The day will come when I will be ok though. After almost 11 months only now I am starting to connect that this really happened and nothing I do will make it go away. It really happened. I mean it really happened. I've really been through so much and I'm still standing. I'm wounded and I'm crying but I'm still here, but it did really happen and nothing will change that. It's awful.

I did my homework

My T asked me to write a letter to my rapist and bring it in to our next session which is tomorrow. I put it off all week but I finally did it this evening. The thought of doing it scared me, I felt like a child being asked to face the monster under their bed. Now that I have it done I just feel exhausted. I resent having to go in to therapy to talk about it, I shouldn't have to. This shouldn't have happened! He should not have gotten away with it. I should have had my chance to face him for real and he should have been put in jail for what he did to me, for what he is still doing to me. When will all this end? Tell me it's going to get easier soon? I've a tension pain in my jaw, I haven't had that in a while and I'm back to grinding my teeth in my sleep. I need to get a mouth guard before my teeth fall out. I already need a million fillings. The impact this has had on me physically always surprises me. Hope I sleep tonight.

Wake up people

I'm having awful trouble sleeping the last few nights, more than usual. Grrr...It's not really a surprise I suppose but still. I wonder what people who haven't been through something like this think when/if they read this. It seems that there is still a lot of blame towards the victims of rape unless someone has jumped out of a bush and attacked them. The more I research the more I see that this is the case. I think it's easier to believe that rapists are people who wear masks and jump out at people when in reality the majority of rapes that occur the victim knows their attacker. Why is there so much blame put on the victim? Nobody blamed me more than me at first, it's only in the last couple of months that I've stopped blaming myself. Is society not able to accept that some people will take advantage of a situation for the own sick need to hurt and have power over people. Just because I put myself in a situation where I was alone with him does that mean that I deserve what I got? No. We need to wake up to what's happening all around us every day Ireland, we need to stop blaming the victim and place it where it belongs. The perps need to be punished, the victims need to be supported.

Therapy Homework

I had therapy today, thank god, although I was feeling so sorry for myself that I didn't want to go. I went anyway and we spoke about what a crappy week I've had and that I was feeling angry and low. I find it hard to get my head around the fact that he has gotten away with it. I wish I could look him in the eye and say - you did this to me and it was not ok. She tried putting a cushion on the chair and pretending it was him but I just couldn't get the words out, number one I was scared and number two I felt pretty stupid talking to a cushion! So she asked me to write a letter to him. I like the idea but where do you start?! I've a feeling it'g going to be full of foul language etc. Not an easy exercise but something I really need to do I think......

I was so scared

I don't know if it's because I got the decision from the DPP or if it's a result of therapy but I can't stop thinking about what happened and what I felt while it was happening. I keep getting flashbacks of both what was going on and what I was feeling at the time. I was so scared. So confused. I didn't know what to do or what was happening, it didn't register that it was rape, I just knew I wanted it to stop, I wanted the pain to stop. I wish I reacted differently, if I had would I have gotten away and saved myself from all this heartache? Why didn't I scream? Why was I so afraid of being embarrassed or being a 'drama queen'. My mind was racing so much, I remember thinking don't scream, don't over-react, this isn't happening all the while feeling so scared and thinking if this isn't happening then why am I so scared? And I could hear my phone going off and knew it was my friend looking for me. I knew she would be worried, she knows it isn't like me to wonder off for so long, but he wouldn't let me answer my phone, he pushed it out of my reach and pinned me down. I was so scared. My mind was screaming STOP STOP STOP but it only came out in a whisper, a quiet pleading stop stop stop over and over again while trying to squirm away from him because what he was doing was so painful, but I couldn't get away he held me down. I couldn't get away so I stopped fighting and he did what he did while my phone kept ringing and ringing.

Hiding

I don't want to talk to anyone. I'm just hiding in my room. I don't feel like eating. I'm completely hiding from everyone, I'm not answering calls or leaving my room. I can feel myself sinking.

Pain, Pain go away

Aaaah, I'm in so much pain. How much can one person take? I can't believe he did this to me and there are no consequences for him. I keep thinking of the things he did to me and the true horror of it is getting clearer and clearer. I can't cope. How did this happen? How did my life get to this? I'm trying to be positive but do you know what I don't feel like being positive today. I just want to be someone else for a day or even an hour. Just a little break from it all. It's more than 10 months on and still every time I take a step forward I take 2 huge steps back. I'm desperate for someone to come along and make it all go away but it's not happening. When will good things happen? When is it my turn for a bit of happiness? I can't even remember what it feels like to be happy. I'm so afraid I'm going to turn in to this bitter twisted person. Hat's off to anyone who has been through anything like this and actually survived and came through it intact. It's truly indescribable how absolutely heartbreaking and painful this is. I want to fall asleep and not wake up, isn't that awful that someone could hurt somebody so much that they want to die and they just go on living there life as if nothing happened. What kind of world are we living in.

The appeal to prosecute him as been denied

I got the letter today from the DPP with the response from my appeal at their decision not to prosecute my rapist. Yes my RAPIST, he f'ing RAPED me and he gets away with it. That's it now it's final. There's nothing more I can do to get justice for what he did to me. For all the things he did to me during those two hours. It just baffles me, from the evidence we had you would all but need a video recording of what happened. What was in his statement that was so convincing? His only defence was drink, I mean please are you serious? Alcohol doesn't turn you into a violent rapist. I have no idea what to do now or where to turn, there is nothing left only me and my thoughts and my nightmares and my pain oh and lets not forget the fear, that's the big one, that's the paralising thing, that's what makes you want to run away and hide from the world. Fear.

I had plans with my friends this evening, don't think I'm much company. Think I'll go back to the safety of my bed and not get out of it for a while. I'm tired of it all, tired of fighting to get my life back, tired of trying to not let the fear overcome me, tired of not letting the pain get me down. Tired of trying not to be a victim but I am. That's what I am. I'm not me anymore I'm his victim. He won - again.

Got a letter from the DPP regarding my appeal

I just got a letter from the DPP regarding my appeal. I can't read it, I read the first line and that's it. I feel sick. There's proper information in it. Whatever it says means that it's final, over. No hope for justice for me. I'm shaking and feel sick to my stomach. My housemate's here, I might get him to open it and tell me the gist of it. Help help help help.

Triggered Today

For some reason today some of the events of that night keep flashing in my mind, more so than on other days, and I was doing so well and all, had a really nice few days just being normal with my friends grrr. Certain aspects   of the rape and some of the things that he did to me keep coming into my mind, it's making me feel panicky and scared. I can't stop thinking about him either, where is he? Is he back in the country? What if I bump into him? Part of me wants to so I can scream at him and punch him but that probably wouldn't happen, I'd probably just freeze.

The flashes are very vivid, more so than any I've had before. This must be a new part of it. I wonder if this is normal. It probably is. He hurt me alot, for over 2 hours. I couldn't get him to stop. Bastard. I hope he rots in hell. Never felt anger like this before. At least it's anger at him this time and not myself. Bastard. The things he did to me. Bastard.

Sorry if my language offends.

Confusing day

Today is a confusing day, I'm feeling a bit better lately but I feel quite angry at the same time, at the moment I'm really angry that I can't get justice for what happened to me. It was really wrong what he did, he has destroyed me and nobody is going to stand up and say, yes this was wrong and we aren't going to let him get away with but nobody is. How can that be?

Do I not deserve justice? Am I not worthy of it? There are so so many things wrong with the justice system it's scary. This is something that I am really struggling with right now and I don't know how to get past it, how to accept it and how to move on. If I can't face him how do I get closure? Is there ever any closure?

'Coming out of the woods'

In my therapy session this week my counsellor said that I was coming out of the woods. You usually hear that when someone is sick, so coming out of the woods, what does that mean for me? Does that mean I am becoming a survivor? What an absolutely amazing thing. To have experienced something so absolutely devastatingly horrific and to actually possibly survive it. I never ever thought I'd see the day where I would be 'coming out of the woods' I really didn't. It's still hard and it's still awful, words can't describe how painful and life shattering it is but to actually survive it and come out somewhat intact, I no longer feel like my life is over. I hope I stay feeling like this.

10 months today

Today it is 10 months since it happened. I got to be honest I've been avoiding and hiding from all reminders of  what happened to me. I haven't wanted to face all the pain again since I came back from holidays but I guess to truly heal you have to face the pain head on. I had a counselling session today it was actually very positive. I'm learning to be kinder to myself and to look after myself a bit better.

Sometimes I still think, did this really happen to me? Sometimes it's still hard to believe. At the moment he is abroad at university but I'm worried now that summer is here that he will be back in the area and I'm so so afraid of bumping into him. The thought of it just paralysis me with fear.

I also found out another unbelievably disgusting thing about our justice system. I was speaking with a solicitor who is an advisor with the RCC in Dublin. I told her that I had appealed the DPP's decision not to prosecute and I wanted to know how long it would be before I heard anything. She informed me that basically that if they change their decision they will let you know but that it would take several months, she also said that if they stuck to their original decision which I'm sure they will then they will not respond to me. So basically the victim writes to them to appeal and if they change their minds they'll let you know but if they don't then they will not even bother to respond to your letter to tell you the outcome. I can't believe it, what an absolute joke. I'm here checking the mail every day to see if there is a letter from them which will probably never come. How absolutely insensitive and cruel.

So all in all I'm feeling pretty crappy. This time 10 months ago my life as I knew it ended.

Back to reality with a bang :-(

Finally got back from holidays on Wednesday, our flight got cancelled so we had to stay an extra two days. I had a great holiday and it's been hard and depressing coming back to reality. I thought when I came back I'd have something from the DPP about my appeal but there was nothing. I found out today that they might not even respond to me. I was told that my case would be reviewed and if they changed their minds they would let me know but if they didn't then they probably wouldn't respond to my appeal at all. So they could have already decided and I wouldn't have a clue. I don't know how they set things up but if you send in an appeal surely the least you deserve is a response? I'm completely baffelled by Irelands justice system. The more I learn the more I realise how behind in the times we are when it comes to rape. I feel like I want to do something but I don't know what.

At home it's been crazy, I've been staying with my parents for the last couple of months, my parents foster but they haven't had any foster kids in a couple of years because my dad was ill for a while, anyway yesterday we got two new foster kids, they were put into emergency care due to allegations of sexual abuse. They are here now and I find it really triggering. The girl is only twelve years of age and I keep looking at her wondering if she was abused and if so what must be going on in the poor girls head. My heart is broken for her and I'm extremely emotional.

I also selfishly feel like not wanting to be around her because it's stirring up so many awful and painful feelings for me. the shame, the guilt, feeling dirty. I don't know I'm completely overwhelmed and confused. I want to help her if she needs it or if she'll let me but I don't know if I am strong enough at the moment. My home has been my safe place and I feel like it's been dragged and shoved right in my face so I'm a bit of a mess at the moment. I know I'm an awful person for thinking this way.

I haven't wanted to face the reality of life after my holiday but this has kind of forced it and now I just want to lie down and not get up.

A couple of days into the holiday

Well I made it, I´m on holidays. We nearly missed our flight, about 30 seconds more and we wouldn´t have made it. I nearly passed out with the relief when we finally made it. We stayed the first night in Malaga. I didn´t like it there, it´s a lovely city it´s just that there were so many people I didn´t know. Where we are staying is perfect, it´s very quiet right now and there aren´t too many people and the town itself is lovely so it´s perfect!

The day before I left for holidays I had a therapy session, for the first time we talked about what happened in a fair bit of detail. It was the first time I spoke about how I felt in the tent, the only other time I detailed what happened was in my statement and that was very factual and disconnected. Since the therapy session I find that I´m a little panicky, like I can´t catch my breath and I wouldn´t be doing anything. I could be just sitting there and would have trouble breathing. I keep getting flashes from that night out of no where and my sleeping has gotten worse. Maybe it´s because I have so much time over here to think. Maybe it´s what I need to do to deal with it. No matter where you go there´s no getting away from it. There´s no taking a break from it.

I was hoping to hear back from the DPP after I wrote to them appealing their decision not to prosecute before I left for holidays but I didn´t so I´ll probably have a letter waiting for me when I get back. I know it´s going to say that they still aren´t going to prosecute him but at least I know I have done all I can. Then maybe I will get some sense of closure and I can start moving on. It sounds so easy!

Rape Crisis Network Ire. funding completely cut

I saw the statement on the RCNI's twitter page regarding the HSE (Ireland's Health System) decision to cut the funding of the work the RCNI does. At present the RCNI gathers vital information on statistics of all kinds of sexual violence. They use this information to provide information to the government to help steer the support for victims of sexual assault in  the right direction.

The information they gather is as accurate as it can be and it's independent. At the moment the RCNI gather data   using a web based system, the government want to cut their funding and us a paper system!!

I am absolutely terrified at the damage this will cause. Personally, I can't take much more disappointment from my country. Throughout this whole process I have been let down by my government several times but this isn't just about me, this is all the people who have experienced sexual violence and also about all the people, men, women and children who WILL experience sexual violence.

The RCNI asked that everyone send an email to the Minister for Health to intervene and change the decision. I have emailed him. Sadly, I don't think he's going to care.

Here's the lowdown on what's going on, I think I'm a bit too all over the place to explain it properly.

http://www.rcni.ie/uploads/TerminationOfFundingCallForUrgentAction.pdf

Back on track with Counselling

My therapist was on holidays so I had no counselling for two weeks. It was a tough two weeks and the timing just wasn't great. I had just found out that the DPP aren't going to prosecute him, I was also forced to take long term leave from work and move home to my parents for a while and it just felt like everything was falling apart.

I couldn't even speak or communicate with anyone. I didn't cope very well at all and it was basically a very very long two weeks, I felt like I was spiraling downhill very fast. I wasn't very nice to myself.

I can't help but think about all the time that has passed and some days you think you are a bit better and someday's you think that you are worse than ever. I suppose the main thing that I try to remember to keep me going is that it's not always going to be this bad. I just have to weather the storm and hope that I come through it ok.

I was back at therapy on Thursday and it really helped me get back on track. I was so nervous before it because I knew it was going to be hard and it was a very tough session, I was very raw after it but at the same time with each session I feel like I'm making a little step.

This journey is full of ups and downs and I'm overall an absolute mess but some days are better than others and today I feel thankful for the good days.

9 months today

Today is 9 months since it happened. God I can't believe how much time has passed and yet it doesn't feel like that long ago. I don't have much to say about it, it's too hard to find the words. I'm in so much pain and it won't go away. It has to get easier soon. Please let it get easier soon.

No matter where I turn

It seems like no matter where I turn things are against me. Why is it that there is nothing there to protect the victim. The law is there to protect the accused and when someone is willing to help the victim the law says that they can't. A TD (politician) wanted to support me in my appeal with the DPP but has been told by the DPP that he can't get involved because it would be inappropriate for a public representative to become involved.

So how am I supposed to try and get justice when I can't even go to my public representatives? No matter where I turn to try and get justice for what happened to me there is something that stops it.

No, we can't prosecute your attacker because he had been drinking and so had you.
No, we can't prosecute your attacker because you willingly were alone with him and said you let him kiss you.
No, we can't prosecute your attacker because you didn't scream.
No, you actually can't go to anyone to help you get justice, you can only write a letter to appeal and we will write back, that's it.
No, we can't meet with you to give you an explanation.

I've been so stupid and naive by thinking that by some miracle they will say we made a terrible mistake actually, we can see now that yes this was rape and we are going to give you your day in court.

Silly me, I'll just go back to feeling hopeless and let down and completely defeated once again. What's the point in fighting when you haven't a chance of winning.

A day in the life - a good day

A day in the life of someone trying to overcome. This is a good day today. Nightmares last night, they weren't too bad. Woke up, very groggy from the medication. It takes a while to feel awake. First thought that comes in to my head is what happened. Well it's more of a feeling. You wake up every day with what feels like 10 tons of pressure on your chest with no way of easing it. Anyways, I force myself to get up, get dressed and eat something. I do. I wonder if today is going to be the day that I crack. I feel like that every day but maybe I won't crack at all. I try to figure out what I'm going to do for the day to keep me occupied. I'm not able for much. I clean my room and potter around the house. I check my emails. I think about it all the time, every second. Whether I'm doing something or not.

I gage how I am, am I able for being around people today? Yes, ok I call to my sisters and have tea. Back home, alone with my thoughts. Thinking about what I would be doing if this hadn't of happened.

If this hadn't of happened I would be in work, managing my team. Doing a good job as I've always done, working through some project that I would have started. I loved it.

My friends are coming home for the weekend. I'll have to meet up with them. Their lives are continuing on as normal. Mine isn't. Time has stopped for me, it's hard to see life move on for other people. It hasn't for me.

God, and this is a good day. How depressing.

Baby Steps

I feel like I'm going to crack any time now but I've felt like that for a long time, like I'm hanging on the edge of a cliff and one more gust of wind will knock me over. But when I say knock me over I mean make me fall on the ground and sob for all that I've lost and all that I have endured.

My brain has been blocking everything right now because I can't take anymore at the moment. I need a break from the pain. I am trying to look after myself and not to behave in an unhealthy way. I don't want to act out or do anything stupid. I'm just very composed and that's almost a little bit scary, although I have had some stupid moments.

I do have to acknowledge how far I've come though. When I think back to where I was 3 months ago or 6 months ago I was in a very different place. I wouldn't say it's easier now but I would say that it's different and that I have made steps forward however small. That gives me hope that things will get easier someday and I will make more steps forward. There have been a couple of backward steps but I think I'll focus on the little steps forward I've made. I've spent long enough hating myself and beating myself up over everything. I still say to myself - 'every day I'm going to TRY to be a little more positive than the day before'.

I'm still heartbroken though...

It's all sinking in

A lot has changed in the last week, I've moved home to my parents temporarily for 3 months because I'm not coping. I'm off work so I can concentrate on getting myself back to normal. I'm finding it quite difficult, I think since yesterday the decision of the DPP has started to sink in with me.

I'm overwhelmed with sadness. I feel like a victim all over again and I'm just heartbroken and confused by the decision not to prosecute. I don't know how I'm supposed to move past it and I can't stop thinking about how he has won all over again.

I'm finding it hard to find the words at the moment. I just don't understand how any of this has happened. He has destroyed my life and he just gets away with it. He's free now to do it to someone else. I just can't get my head around it. It's all too much.

Afraid of becoming bitter

I feel so angry at the moment. In one way I'm glad because it's different to blaming myself or not wanting to wake up. On the other hand it's hard to feel angry all the time and I'm afraid I'm going to become bitter and twisted and end up alone.

I need to find some way of channelling all this anger in a positive way.....

Things coming to a head

Things came to a head yesterday with my job. They have already been so patient but they can't keep letting me away with all the sick days I've had. I met with my boss yesterday and was told that I either take a leave of absence or if I keep going the way I'm going I'll lose my job. So I have now had to take 3 months Sick Leave to try and sort my head out.

On the one hand I'm relieved that I can take some time for myself to recover mentally from all that has happened but on the other it's like he's won again. He won that night, he won by not being prosecuted and he's now won again by me having to take time off and casting a shadow over by job. I have worked in my company for 4 years. I have been promoted 4 times since I started. I was just promoted before this happened but had to give that up because I couldn't cope with it. I have always been driven in my career and have always been excellent at my job but now I'm known as the girl who rings in sick.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just find it so hard to grasp that my life has come to this, I don't know how it's happened. I don't get paid for my time off so I don't know how I'm going to manage but I have no choice. It's either this or be fired, I've never been fired from a job.

I'm still reeling from all that's happened in the last week. I'm heartbroken and there's nothing I can do about it except somehow try to move on with my life. To somehow take back bit by bit what I have lost. I have a life to live, I only have one of those so I can't let my life be defined by this, I have to somehow take it back.
I'm worth more that this.

Devastated by the justice system

I am so devastated at the decision. I can't believe it. My life is in shreds and my family have been torn apart by this and all along I hoped that someday  I might see justice, that my rapist will get what he deserves. The fact that they based their decision on alcohol makes me sick, it scares me that the people in this country responsible for our safety are happy to send the message that if someone rapes you while you have drink taken then forget it. That's what you get for drinking in the first place.

And the message it sends to my rapist is not to worry you can attack, bite, bruise, hurt, hold her down, push her back down on the ground as she continually tries to get away, you can stop her answering her phone as her friend calls her repeatedly because she knew something was wrong, as she begs you to stop as she pleads with you to let her go and find her friends as she fights you for over an hour before she finally gave in as long as you have the excuse that you were drunk.

How are you supposed to move on from this and lead a normal life?

They aren't going to prosecute him

I found out yesterday that the DPP (in Ireland) have decided not to prosecute my rapist. The police here felt that there was a strong case and recommended that he be charged with rape and assault but the DPP decided not to prosecute him because there was alcohol involved and because there was a question of consent because I willingly left myself alone with him.

I think I'm still in shock, I don't understand it. They have it written in the legislation that alcohol can not be used as a reason or excuse but yet that's the main reason that the DPP gave. Because he was drunk and I was drunk then he gets away with it. I might have been drunk but I was in no way falling around the place, I had consumed alcohol but was in my full and right mind and so was he. I made it clear to him over and over again that I wanted him to stop and fought him for an hour before finally giving in, I had bruises and bite marks on my body which were documented and photo's were taken but still they won't prosecute him. He admitted having sex with me so how can they believe that the injuries I sustained were as a result of 'passion' as he called it.

This sends the message that well it's ok for you to rape someone as long as both people have drink taken. If you've drink taken you'll get away with it. That's the message we are sending, it's ok as long as your both drunk. You can do what you want with her then.

I don't understand it. He gets away with it and I am here in a crumbling mess.

New memory

I just remembered something about that night, it's awful. I wish I didn't remember it. I don't have anyone to tell. How is it after nearly 8 months a new memory just pops into my head. I can hardly breathe. No sleep for me tonight. I really don't want to remember this. I feel so panicked and scared. I'm so scared. I don't want to remember.

My Birthday next week

It's my birthday next week and it will also be 8 months since it happened :-(
Needless to say I'm not looking forward to it. I hope it will just pass by without any fuss. It seems any bit of anxiety even good anxiety gives me a tension pain in my jaw so I don't want anyone to acknowledge it or talk about it or give me a card or present or anything.

I used to love birthdays.

I've told everyone that I don't want a fuss but I have a feeling that won't happen. All I'll be thinking about is this time 8 months ago.....

God how sad my life has become. It's truly awful how much rape infects every aspect of your life. It's like a disease that spreads through your heart, soul and mind and you have to live with it forever.

Still working on being a bit more positive than the day before. It's hard.

They see me now

I posted yesterday about an email that I had sent to my support network, the response was a bit mixed. Most thought it was great and I got some great responses, some were a little upset by it. I meant for it to be a check in, to say honestly here is how I am. Anyways, it's done now. But they all see me now, how I really am. It's out there and I'm afraid. I'm afraid that they will not like the real me. I'm scared that they will get sick of me. I'm scared that they will walk away from me. I'm scared of getting hurt even more I've left myself wide open. I don't know if I could take much more, I still feel like I'm at the brink and one more thing could push me over the edge.

I know my sisters are looking for this blog but they'll never find it!! Maybe some day I'll show them, when I'm better.

Yesterday I was full of good energy, peoples support on this blog helped me to go... right! do something to help yourself today but today I'm back down in the dumps. I'm not as bad as I was but I just can't seem to get out of bed. I swear I used to be a fun person, sensitive but fun. I would crack jokes and have a laugh, I didn't always whine this much!

One of my favourate sayings before this was 'life doesn't throw you anything you can't handle' what a load of crap. Life throws loads of people stuff they can't handle! If I try and think positively what would help make today better, get out of bed, face the day, what was it that Andrew told me to say yesterday - It was not my fault, today I will work on being more positive than yesterday.

It was not my fault, today I will work on being more positive than yesterday. It is work.
Today I will WORK on being more positive than yesterday.

I have to work on it. Right get out of this bed girl, this is not your life, this is not who you are.
Today I will work on being more positive than yesterday.

Reaching Out

Why is it so hard to reach out to people who I love, who I have grown up with. These people I would do anything for but when it comes to me needing them to be there for me I feel I don't deserve it. How messed up is that, ridiculous, I am sick of feeling this way about myself. I had some amazingly helpful comments to my previous posts which led me to send the following email to those close to me:

Hello everyone,

So I've been doing this blog thing and am receiving a surprising and heartwarming response to it. It's a blog to share my thoughts about what happened to me and to put it out there in the world wide web and who knows maybe it might help someone someday. Don't go looking for it you'll never find it, it's anonymous  

Anyways on Sunday night/Monday morning I was pretty low and posted on my blog at about 6:30am when I was exhausted from the lack of sleep and feeling a bit crazy from it. The posting received an overwhelming reaction and loads of people who I will never know posted comments of support and also some tips to help me get a bit of hope in to me when I'm at my lowest. One of the tips was to reach out to the people I needed to and I'm not very good at that. Most of you know that I've made myself a bit of the Mammy of the gang and am used to minding everyone else but I have no idea how to mind myself and be kind to myself, that is a whole new learning for me. 

The suggestion was that if I didn't feel comfortable speaking about what I feel to those close to me then to email it so here I am. It's a bit corny but f**k it I'm desperate to get my head on straight and get my life back to some form of normality. So I'm going to write a couple of things in a list (ha ha me and my lists!) just to share with you and nothing else. I'm not expecting nor do I need for anyone to come to do anything from this, only I can build myself back up, if you feel like sending something back then do but your not under an obligation, it just struck me that some of you might be wondering how I am and not have a clue but strangers in the world do know. Your my friends and my family so I just wanted to share with you because your important to me  . 

Right, here we go...

Where I'm at now:

Pretty low.

Off work again 

Anxious

Have jaw pain 

Scared 

Determined

Confused 

Focused on getting better. 

Not getting better fast enough

What I do know

That what happened was a crime 

FD  deserves what's coming and alot more

That I'm very lucky to have the support that I have

That I'm not ok but I will be. 

What I'm afraid of:

Losing my job

Having no control over what I feel and when

Not having the life that I wanted. 

Never properly enjoying sex again 

Buckling under the pressure

What I want

A time machine  only messing!! 

To stop the cycle of being ok for a while and then crumbling

To be good at my job again  

For you know who in work to stop pouring her life's problems on me 

To get rid of the jaw pain 

To buy a camper van and travel around Ireland/Europe in it and pull up and random beaches, swim and learn to surf 

To stop blaming and hating myself 

A house and a family with 2.5 kids and a mini van.

To get me back, shur I'm only unreal shur! 

To look him  in the eye and ask him  why and then smack him  over the head with a baseball bat (not really, I'm too much of a pacifist).   

So now there we have it, not asking much. Thanks so much for reading, hope you aren't thinking oh lord she's finally cracked  I haven't quite the opposite, it's just something I need to do. 

Talk to you soon

x