Has anyone got a time machine?

6 months on and I still find myself thinking - I can't believe this happened. I mean I knew there was evil out there but I experienced it first hand. I looked into his eyes begging him to stop but when I did there was no soul there. I will never forget that moment. That was the moment I knew that I was getting out until he got what he wanted and the more I fought and the more I pleaded with him the more turned on he got. How one human being can have such disregard for another is beyond me. That's why I can't believe it - still. I'm so slow. How do people make it through this, how can you come out the other side? I certainly don't know. I don't know whether I'm coming or going, I don't know how I'm supposed to feel, who am I now? My whole world is turned upside down and I can't make sense of anything. I can't even cry. I'm lost and alone and I'm scared all the time and I just want me back. I wish I had a time machine to go back to that night and make it so it never happened. I feel like I deserved it, like I've done something wrong and now I'm being punished, but I don't know what I did wrong. I'm worn out from just trying to not want to die and trying to keep going to work so that I don't lose the only thing that makes me get out of bed. I'm tired of waiting to find out if they will prosecute or not, I'm just f'ing worn out from everything swimming around in my head and this huge pain I have in my chest that never eases. I wish I could have just 5 minutes where I don't have to think about it or don't have to feel so awful. Just 5 minutes just to have a break from it. 

I don't even have it in me to blame him because I'm too busy blaming myself and logically I know that it wasn't my fault but I can't make myself believe it. I feel like I've brought all this on myself and I've only myself to blame but I didn't want this, I would never want this. Nobody would ever want this.