I think last night might have been one of the worst nightmares I've had so far. IT was happening over and over again and every time I tried to get away he would beat me up. He took my car keys so I couldn't get away and when I stole them back he burned out my car. Very graphic dream and I found it hard to shake it off, I couldn't concentrate in work today and I just wanted to retreat into myself but I couldn't because I had to keep the mask on.
I need to know if the police are going to prosecute or not. Every day I'm glued to my phone waiting for a phone call with the news. What if they don't prosecute what will that mean for me and if they do what will that mean?? It never stops.I did have a good evening with my friend, we talked a bit of nonsense and had some laughs...that was nice. I hope I sleep better tonight. I have to. I feel very emotional today but I can't cry...I have barely cried, only in my dreams....I'd love a good cry.
Aaaaaaaah who is this person I've become, I used to be a normal fairly well together person with a successful enough career and now I'm just this crappy shell of a person filled with pain who gives out alot in this land called cyber space...it's so alien to me I hate it....I used to be normal. Before it happened rape was this awful thing that happened to other people but not to me, I always thought that if someone ever tried to I would kick and scream and get away but I didn't. I fought and I tried but I didn't get away...I was too afraid to scream and in the end I gave up...he won, I couldn't fight anymore. The harder I fought the worse he got...it was too painful...in the end I gave up. I let him win. I know it's not my fault but I feel responsible...why do women always blame themselves? Why am I still blaming myself?
Dearest, he hasn't won. It feels like he has because you couldn't keep fighting. He hasn't won because here you are, still fighting, still pursuing life, working your way out of this nightmare. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to you.
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