I am going to a new therapist because my old one was really bad...some people shouldn't be therapists. Anyway I had my second session this week with this new woman and I had a bit of a breakthrough. I've been struggling for the last 7 months with blaming myself. Everyone tells me that it's not my fault but I've always blamed myself for both putting myself in the situation and for not fighting harder to get away.
It was explained to me this week that the different parts of the brain and basically the front part of your brain is the part where there you think and feel and use logic and then there's a deeper part which is the oldest part of the brain, this holds your survivor instincts and basically when you are faced with a traumatic and dangerous situation the front part of your brain shuts down and a bit hay wired and the deeper part of your brain the survival part kicks in and tells the rest of your brain and your body to do do what you can to survive. This makes so much sense to me because I fought and tried to get away but when it hit me that I wasn't going to get away I just thought do what you need to get away to where it's safe again.
I have never been able to understand why I did that, surely I should have kept fighting but I gave up after over an hour of fighting him. When she explained this it was a huge revelation to me, all along I've felt like the biggest fraud and that I should be the one to go to jail not him but now it could mean that I'm not that bad a person who would let this happen to her and maybe just maybe one day I might forgive myself and stop hating myself so much.
It sounds like you are ready to open a new door in your recovery that will allow you to let go of that untruth. The rape was never your fault. Rape is an action of control by the abuser. It has nothing to do with who you are or what you wore or even where you were. It has nothing to do with you. Rape is all about the rage of the attacker. It is all about his story, not yours.
ReplyDeleteYou can learn to forgive yourself and to let go of the self-hatred. You can learn to love yourself. You are worth loving and being loved. I found you through Twitter.