Today is nearly over. I will be a rape victim over 6 months when today is over. I don't know why but I'm finding the 6 month's mark very hard. It's like a milestone. All I feel is sad because nothing is getting better, I'm still as in as much pain and feel as much despair as I did last week or last month. I feel so lost and alone, my whole being is consumed. Now I know this is rape. It's not just the act it's what follows, it's like a virus that infects your heart, soul and mind, and it's contagious and infects everyone close to you and when you look into their eyes you can see that they are looking back at the shell of a person they used to know. I don't blame them, I see the same when I look in the mirror. Who am I now, what am I now, who will I become. I was never much of a fan of the old me but I wish I was her again. I wonder when you go from being a rape victim to a rape survivor. Will I always feel like a victim?
You become a survivor the day that you start to love yourself again. It won't be easy. Anyone that says it is lies. You are worth the time and the effort. I don't know if you will ever become whole again. As an incest survivor, I am still working on having a feeling of wholeness again. I do okay with where I am each day. That is all we have - today. For me, talking and more talking helped tremendously - talking with other rape survivors, talking with other incest survivors who know what you are feeling really helps. If you haven't experienced rape, you can't really understand fully what it feels like.
ReplyDeleteI remember the feeling of being a rape victim. i remember feeling that there was all there was to me. Patricia is right. You are developing a support system here through bloggyland. Hold onto that and keep up with your therapy. Talk when you need to. Write when you need to. You have a cheerleader here, cheering you on through your healing process.
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