It's been a while since I've written anything. There has been quite a bit going on.
Firstly, my jaw pain came back for quite a bit and it kind of left me exhausted. Work is pretty stressful at the moment. I think the main reason I haven't been able to write anything is because therapy is getting pretty intense and I don't want it to, I want it all to go away and avoid everything. My therapist says I need to talk more. I just feel stuck at the moment, I'm terrified of talking about it, I'm afraid of going back there in my mind.
The other big thing that happened is I HAD A DATE! With a guy, like a real date. Oh my god it was traumatic.
I'll start from the beginning of the story of how the date came about because it's there's a bit of history to it.
About two weeks before what happened happened I met a guy who I got on really well with, we exchanged numbers and were texting every day and were almost at the point of arranging a date when IT happened. When it happened I remember feeling absolutely gutted that I wouldn't be able to meet this guy because I knew I wouldn't be able for it. I even tried being normal with him and texting as normal because I didn't want him to think I didn't like him. This is what shock does to you. I mean I remember texting him trying to be normal with him on my way back from getting the rape kit done. I remember he was texting me on the way to give my statement. It was crazy, at the time I was in such shock that I think I was trying to hold on to something normal and this was normal for me. Anyway, this trying to be normal didn't last long. I couldn't keep it up any more and I didn't want him to think I was giving him the brush off because he seemed like a really nice guy and we got on.
So...I decided to tell him the truth about what happened so I sent him an email explaining that I had hoped that we would meet up but that I had been attacked and didn't think I'd be able to meet up with him after all and that I thought I would just be honest with him rather than make something up. Anyway, he mailed me back saying he was sorry for what happened and to think of him as a friend at least, he was very nice. We kept in contact for a while but it dwindled out. A couple of weeks ago we got back in contact and he asked if he could cook me dinner, he made it very easy and comfortable, as in he cooked me dinner and brought it to my house for us to eat together, we watched a movie then. (My housemate was in the house the whole time, he seems like a nice guy but I wasn't about to be alone in a house with him!) Anyway we were both a bit nervous but we had a nice time.
The next day - yesterday, I was an emotional wreck, for the first time in months I couldn't stop crying. I don't know why, I don't know if it's because I like him and want to see him again or because I'm afraid or because I'm feeling sorry for myself because I can't have a normal interaction with a guy or because of the history that's there or because I'm not ready. I don't know. I don't know why I was so upset, it was a perfectly nice evening.
Maybe I'm not ready and am better off being by myself.
Those are completely normal feelings to have. I think you're extremely brave for what you've done, I would have been petrified to tell him. Just take it one step at a time and one day at a time. It's also something you might want to bring up in therapy to talk and discuss what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable concerning what kind of relationship you want to have with this guy. I hope everything works out for you, it really did bring a smile to my face knowing you found someone that you would want to think about. Also good call on having your housemate there, you always have to be careful as you may never know what may happen. Good luck to you and I apologize for this extremely long post.
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