Tuesday, October 4, 2011

There were times when...

There have been so many many times through this whole experience when everything has just felt too overwhelming and all I've wanted to do is run. When I say many times I mean at least once a day. I'd imagine packing up and leaving and not saying anything to anyone. I'd day dream about this little peaceful cottage by a quiet remote beach where nobody would disturb you and where you could just rest and be.

I think from the moment it happened and for months and months afterwards I have felt like I'm constantly braced for another attack. You  know when you get a fright and you jump and then you relax when you realise it's ok, I haven't relaxed yet. I'm still braced and waiting. On red alert.

I can't wait till I relax and the constant fear goes away, and it's not just being afraid that you'll be attacked again it's being afraid that he'll come after me or that I'll fall apart or something. It's being afraid for yourself in every possible way. I think that's why I'm still disassociated from what happened which is a whole other story. I still find it hard to feel anything about what happened, I find it hard to get upset. I can't seem to accept that this is what's happened to me. Dissociation is crap.


  1. Sorry for your pain and anxiousness...... Here listening......

  2. Hey Lizzy,
    you really helped put this into words for me. I am so sorry for what we have in common but you have really helped me to know that I am not alone and I hope that you feel the same way. I also know the story behind the disassociation and yes it is crap. It is not fun and it can be very frustrating. Just take it one day at a time. I am here for you.

  3. Just Be Real..thanks so much it's so kind of you. Always makes me feel better :-)

    Christine.. i'm glad your found this helpful, it always makes me feel better when something i write might be of some help. I too am sorry that we have this in common but am glad i'm not alone.

  4. Just came back by to give you a safe hug.....

  5. I'm interested in discussing your blog in my dissertation on trauma blogs. I'd like to send you additional information regarding my research as well as an official letter requesting permission to use your blog. Mostly, I would just like to use your blog posts in my research. This would entail mentioning your blog name and url as well as discussing and possibly quoting from your content. Would you mind sending me your email address so that I can provide you with additional information? You can reach me at cshuler[at]purdue[dot]edu


  6. Just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and I have missed reading your posts. I hope all is going well for you.