Thursday, November 10, 2011

It's not normal!

Do you have those conversations with you friends/family who in trying to say the right thing just say the wrong thing. I had a conversation today with one of them after a really tough therapy session and I was explaining how I was feeling, now it's actually not that often that I speak to them about it anymore, I just don't bother and just keep everything for my therapist and tonight I was reminded why!

I was explaining to her that I had a tough session and was telling her that I was really really triggered for the first time one night last week and that my therapist said that this was part of the healing process, well anyway my friend said yes it's all normal and you'll get there and the way she said it I found really patronising, I know that she would never mean to come across that way but sometimes I feel like saying to people - don't tell me what I'm feeling or that it's normal or whatever, you don't don't know what's this is like and just because something is 'normal' doesn't mean that it's not absolute hell to go through, it's painful, hard, frustrating, scary, soul destroying, life destroying so sorry but it's not bloody normal. It's might be a 'normal' reaction to a completely and hugely abnormal situation but it's by no means normal!

Just listen to me and give me a hug if I need it, don't just brush it off and tell me it's normal and it will be all better some day because sorry, none of this is ever going to be normal to me!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Panic Attack

Am having the worst panic attack, writing always makes me feel better so I'm going to write until calm is restored. I feel like I can't breathe. It's the middle of the night. I can't sleep. I'm in bed. If I lie on my side I'm getting flashes of lying on my side for  a moment after it happened. If I lie on my back I can feel him on me. I feel like I'm back there. But I'm not I'm safe so just breathe. I'm safe. I'm at home, I'm not alone. He is not here. It's over. I'm safe now. This is a new feeling. The tears are pouring down my face. Memories are just flashing through my mind and I feel like I am back there. I feel like screaming, I didn't scream that night but I feel like screaming now. I can feel everything he did to me. I can almost feel the pain of all of it. I feel sick.

Calm down it's over, your safe. Just breathe. It's ok. Your going to be ok. He can't hurt you anymore. You got away, your safe, it's over now. You survived. Just breathe and think good thoughts.