Saturday, May 28, 2011

Back to reality with a bang :-(

Finally got back from holidays on Wednesday, our flight got cancelled so we had to stay an extra two days. I had a great holiday and it's been hard and depressing coming back to reality. I thought when I came back I'd have something from the DPP about my appeal but there was nothing. I found out today that they might not even respond to me. I was told that my case would be reviewed and if they changed their minds they would let me know but if they didn't then they probably wouldn't respond to my appeal at all. So they could have already decided and I wouldn't have a clue. I don't know how they set things up but if you send in an appeal surely the least you deserve is a response? I'm completely baffelled by Irelands justice system. The more I learn the more I realise how behind in the times we are when it comes to rape. I feel like I want to do something but I don't know what.

At home it's been crazy, I've been staying with my parents for the last couple of months, my parents foster but they haven't had any foster kids in a couple of years because my dad was ill for a while, anyway yesterday we got two new foster kids, they were put into emergency care due to allegations of sexual abuse. They are here now and I find it really triggering. The girl is only twelve years of age and I keep looking at her wondering if she was abused and if so what must be going on in the poor girls head. My heart is broken for her and I'm extremely emotional.

I also selfishly feel like not wanting to be around her because it's stirring up so many awful and painful feelings for me. the shame, the guilt, feeling dirty. I don't know I'm completely overwhelmed and confused. I want to help her if she needs it or if she'll let me but I don't know if I am strong enough at the moment. My home has been my safe place and I feel like it's been dragged and shoved right in my face so I'm a bit of a mess at the moment. I know I'm an awful person for thinking this way.

I haven't wanted to face the reality of life after my holiday but this has kind of forced it and now I just want to lie down and not get up.

1 comment:

  1. I can 100% relate to coming back from a holiday, back to reality, its so depressing!

    I swear you are not an awful person! My home is my safe place too, and i know i would not be able to deal with what you are right now. I think your incredibly brave and strong for dealing with this. Could you perhaps try and change the negative effect its having on you? Rather think of these poor children as someone you can relate to, maybe talk to and understand, you could be there for them in a way no one else can? Rather than the children being a constant reminder, think of it as 'Wow because of what i've been through i now have the ability to help others, to help these children, this is one good thing that has come from my experience'

    I am glad you had a good time on your holiday - apart from the ash cloud! and look forward to following your blog!