Sunday, August 14, 2011

What is normal?

I think about him a lot, more so lately. His face is in my head and the memories of that night are coming like vivid flashes. He's invading my sleep still. I had thought that I'd be past all this at this stage but obviously not. I'm having some of my worst nightmares lately.

I still feel like a victim when I think about him. I forget how far I've come and how much I've been through and it's just me and him in my mind and the terror I felt that night. The memories are so real that I can almost still feel the pain. The shock. The confusion. The fear. The feeling of helplessness. How it felt hearing all these people nearby but feeling so alone, trying to take back some control of the situation but failing miserably. The moment when I knew I was going nowhere until he was done. I can feel his teeth biting into my skin. I can feel his hands bruising me. I just wanted him to stop but he wouldn't. I remember thinking during it that my life was about to change, that a woman's worst nightmare was happening to me.

You don't realise until it happens to you just how devastating an act it is. When people say 'just get over it' or 'stop being a victim' or 'stop letting him win' but it's not as simple as that, if only it was. It takes a long time, longer than I'd like it to be but that's just the sad awful truth of it.

Will my life ever be normal again? What is normal? I've gone from being a mess of a person not able to function in normal life to now being a mess of a person able to function in normal life. Maybe that's normal?! At least I'm able to function steps I suppose.

1 comment:

  1. Yes, baby steps, and no, it is not something you ever get over. I always wonder when it will be that I don't wake up every morning feeling like I have been punched in the stomache. The painful memories come rushing in, and it is hard to stop. I'm glad you are now able to work, and that you feel successful there. I have to believe that it will continue to get better. Sending good and healing thoughts your way.

    I also wanted to tell you about a survivors blog that I started with a few other survivors. It is
    It is a place you can write, tell your story, and post art.