Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Things coming to a head

Things came to a head yesterday with my job. They have already been so patient but they can't keep letting me away with all the sick days I've had. I met with my boss yesterday and was told that I either take a leave of absence or if I keep going the way I'm going I'll lose my job. So I have now had to take 3 months Sick Leave to try and sort my head out.

On the one hand I'm relieved that I can take some time for myself to recover mentally from all that has happened but on the other it's like he's won again. He won that night, he won by not being prosecuted and he's now won again by me having to take time off and casting a shadow over by job. I have worked in my company for 4 years. I have been promoted 4 times since I started. I was just promoted before this happened but had to give that up because I couldn't cope with it. I have always been driven in my career and have always been excellent at my job but now I'm known as the girl who rings in sick.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself I just find it so hard to grasp that my life has come to this, I don't know how it's happened. I don't get paid for my time off so I don't know how I'm going to manage but I have no choice. It's either this or be fired, I've never been fired from a job.

I'm still reeling from all that's happened in the last week. I'm heartbroken and there's nothing I can do about it except somehow try to move on with my life. To somehow take back bit by bit what I have lost. I have a life to live, I only have one of those so I can't let my life be defined by this, I have to somehow take it back.
I'm worth more that this.


  1. Hi Lady,

    I know it won't help much, but I wanted you to know that you are reaching people with your honesty and openness. I wish I could be half as open as you! I've read a lot of your posts here, and I'm now wiping away the tears.

    What happened to you is a lot like what happened to me when I was 16. I left myself alone with someone I trusted, we were both drinking, and he turned on me. Like you, I fought hard and begged and pleaded for a long time, which just prolonged the inevitable and caused a lot of bruises. I blamed myself.

    Now I have to tell you something. I just turned 46. This October, it will have been 30 years since I was raped. I can't give you a time machine to go back to "before", but maybe I can give you one to the future.

    You will never forget what happened. You will never be completely unafraid. You will never be "over" this. You will never be exactly the same person you were. And it sounds like you will never find justice.

    Depressing, huh? Now for the good news. Things will get better. Your heart will heal. You will find peace. You will have joy. There will come a day when sex, on your terms, will be fun again. You will probably get married and have 2.5 children :). It will take a long time, longer than you can imagine, and it won't be a consistent uphill climb--more like 3 steps forward and 2 steps back, ya know? But it will happen.

    At least, that's how it happened for me. Yeah, it's been 30 years, and I still think it about it every day. (Even more lately, because my daughters are teenagers now, and I am so scared it will happen to them.) Why do I think it will happen for you?

    Because of the way you responded: you fought, because you are a fighter, and when you saw it was hopeless, you gave in, because you knew that was the best way to ensure your personal safety. And because you are fighting now, struggling to get your life back.

    Keep writing. Start reading. There are tons of good books, non-fiction and fiction, by survivors, for survivors. Once you realize how UNalone you really are, how much you have in common with so many people, the pieces will begin to fall back into place.

    Be patient with yourself. Be gentle and loving and kind, as you would be with a child. We're here with you--all the survivors of the world--whether you can see us or not.

    Hugs, peace, and love,

  2. Hi Maria,

    Thank you so much for your comment, it really touched me and encouraged me.

    It really meant a alot.

    Thank you

  3. Anytime, hun. If you need a shoulder, just tweet me or leave a message on my blog.