Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Baby Steps

I feel like I'm going to crack any time now but I've felt like that for a long time, like I'm hanging on the edge of a cliff and one more gust of wind will knock me over. But when I say knock me over I mean make me fall on the ground and sob for all that I've lost and all that I have endured.

My brain has been blocking everything right now because I can't take anymore at the moment. I need a break from the pain. I am trying to look after myself and not to behave in an unhealthy way. I don't want to act out or do anything stupid. I'm just very composed and that's almost a little bit scary, although I have had some stupid moments.

I do have to acknowledge how far I've come though. When I think back to where I was 3 months ago or 6 months ago I was in a very different place. I wouldn't say it's easier now but I would say that it's different and that I have made steps forward however small. That gives me hope that things will get easier someday and I will make more steps forward. There have been a couple of backward steps but I think I'll focus on the little steps forward I've made. I've spent long enough hating myself and beating myself up over everything. I still say to myself - 'every day I'm going to TRY to be a little more positive than the day before'.

I'm still heartbroken though...


  1. Remember, three steps forward and two steps back is still progress! Keep looking ahead and don't let the setbacks get to you.

    Hang in there,

  2. I think you have so much courage to fight so hard to find hope & positivity in such a difficult situation. That is most definitely progress in my books.

    Hang in there!

  3. Thanks for the support Susannah, I don't feel like that every day but I'm trying!

  4. You have so much courage and I think you are so much stronger than you think.
    I've been thinking of you quite often after having come across your blog. And everytime I pray that you are feeling better today.
    I can only say that, even if I do not know you, I am with you.