Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Baby Steps

I feel like I'm going to crack any time now but I've felt like that for a long time, like I'm hanging on the edge of a cliff and one more gust of wind will knock me over. But when I say knock me over I mean make me fall on the ground and sob for all that I've lost and all that I have endured.

My brain has been blocking everything right now because I can't take anymore at the moment. I need a break from the pain. I am trying to look after myself and not to behave in an unhealthy way. I don't want to act out or do anything stupid. I'm just very composed and that's almost a little bit scary, although I have had some stupid moments.

I do have to acknowledge how far I've come though. When I think back to where I was 3 months ago or 6 months ago I was in a very different place. I wouldn't say it's easier now but I would say that it's different and that I have made steps forward however small. That gives me hope that things will get easier someday and I will make more steps forward. There have been a couple of backward steps but I think I'll focus on the little steps forward I've made. I've spent long enough hating myself and beating myself up over everything. I still say to myself - 'every day I'm going to TRY to be a little more positive than the day before'.

I'm still heartbroken though...

5 comments:

  1. Remember, three steps forward and two steps back is still progress! Keep looking ahead and don't let the setbacks get to you.

    Hang in there,
    Maria

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  2. I think you have so much courage to fight so hard to find hope & positivity in such a difficult situation. That is most definitely progress in my books.

    Hang in there!
    Susannah

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  3. Thanks for the support Susannah, I don't feel like that every day but I'm trying!

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  4. You have so much courage and I think you are so much stronger than you think.
    I've been thinking of you quite often after having come across your blog. And everytime I pray that you are feeling better today.
    I can only say that, even if I do not know you, I am with you.
    Alessia

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