Saturday, July 30, 2011

1 Year Today

Oh  God, why am I torturing myself like this. At aprox 1:50am it will be a whole year since the nightmare began. I've been doing really well all day I've kept myself busy and hung out with my best friend. I really have tried to not let it affect me but right now I'm feeling really triggered and panicked. I feel like I can't breathe. My chest feels tight and my mind is racing. I'm trying to breathe through it and distract myself but it's getting harder to do.

I really am trying to treat it like a normal day but it's not is it. I have to get these thoughts out of my head so I can get some sleep and not feel worse tomorrow. I can't wait for this weekend to be over. I wonder does he realize what today is?

I hope sleep will come soon and the nightmares stay away. Should have gone home to my Mammy this weekend. I want my Mammy!


  1. :-( im so sorry today is so tough! I really can't imagine it. Im sorry i am late in seeing this, i realise now this is a few days, but that means you manage to get through the day! and survived!

    I'd like to think 'he' is sat at home, thinking about what he did to you and feeling sick to his stomach....but unfortunately i don't think abusers work that way, its probably just another day to him. Makes me so sick and angry.

    I know haven't heard from you in a while, but i really hope your doing ok! and that work continues to be ok!

    Thinking of you always

  2. Anniversaries are so hard. I'm glad you made the effort to go out and be with friends instead of by yourself, but if you're anything like me, the nights are the hardest...

    I hope that you have been able to recover from this day.

    Glad I found your blog.

  3. Thanks Pinks for your lovely comment! x I'm doing good pet.

    Thanks Lilly, yes nights are the hardest, seem to be getting worse lately.

    Thanks for reading my blog x

  4. i don have a blog on here. but jus came across this because I am finding it hard to exist myself today .. its not my anniversary, it'll be 5 years later this month and reading your blog is like i am talking to myself in a mirror .. it is hard all the time, but i am so prou to see you taking strides and trying to deal with your emotions and the reality of everything in therapy .. i know what it feels like to be where you are and the emotions you are feeling and thank you for writing this blog bc it makes me feel less alone out here..