1 Year Today

Oh  God, why am I torturing myself like this. At aprox 1:50am it will be a whole year since the nightmare began. I've been doing really well all day I've kept myself busy and hung out with my best friend. I really have tried to not let it affect me but right now I'm feeling really triggered and panicked. I feel like I can't breathe. My chest feels tight and my mind is racing. I'm trying to breathe through it and distract myself but it's getting harder to do.

I really am trying to treat it like a normal day but it's not is it. I have to get these thoughts out of my head so I can get some sleep and not feel worse tomorrow. I can't wait for this weekend to be over. I wonder does he realize what today is?

I hope sleep will come soon and the nightmares stay away. Should have gone home to my Mammy this weekend. I want my Mammy!

Almost 12 whole months since...

I never thought I'd see the day when it would be 12 months since it happened. Well it will be 12 months this Saturday night. My stomach is sick at the thought of it. I can't wait for it to be over so I can put the last hurdle behind me. At the same time I'm not looking forward to it, obviously! I know I'm going to be upset but you have to allow yourself them days too.

I can barely remember the last 12 months it's just a blur. It's like trying to remember a dream or something. Time has gone by so fast. What an unbelievably horrible, painful, heartbreaking, life changing, traumatic year it's been. But you know what I'm still here, I'm still standing, I'm making it through.

As difficult as this year has been I also know that it's important to acknowledge how much I have gone through and how far I feel I have come. It's been an uphill struggle but I've done it and I'm starting to come through the other side and for that I'm proud.

I wonder does he realize what this weekend is?

There are a couple of songs that come in to my head. One for the sad part of me for all that's gone on (Alanis Morrisette -Mary Jane) and one for the part of me that is proud of myself for how far I've come (M People - Moving on Up).

I found him

I find it hard to type the R word. I still can't say that it happened to me. Anyway, the guy who did this to me we'll call him Freddy well he was a person I had just met. A friend of a friend and for some reason I can't seem to remember his face very clearly. When it first happened we were trying to get as much information on him as possible so myself and my family would do internet searches on him. We were never able to find any information on him. He has no facebook or anything like that. I'm sure everyone else stopped searching for him but I never stopped.

I kind of became obsessed with googling his name every other day to see if I could find him. I found a couple of bits around his college work but couldn't find anything else until today. Today I found a photo of him and can finally see his face clearly. He's real, he exists. I clicked on a page tonight and a picture of him popped up. Right there in my face. I'll never forget his eyes they have haunted my dreams. I don't know how to feel but somehow it makes him more real. I don't know whether that's a good think or a bad thing.

Nearly 12 months

I haven't written in a while, there's been a lot going on with getting back into the routine of going to work. I'm wrecked! But it's good to be back and I'm enjoying being there. I'm so happy that I'm reacting so positively to being back at work there are a lot of painful memories there so it's good that I can still do a good job.

It will be a year since it happened the weekend after next. Some people can't understand why I would let this affect me. I can't understand how they don't see that of course it would affect me. I mean it will be 12 months and the whole weekend I'm going to be thinking this time last year....I don't want to think this way but I can't help it. I'll be ok but it will be tough, that's it. Just let me be upset and then I'll get over it and continue moving on.  It's frustrating. How can I not think about what happened and how much my life has changed and how angry I am that his life hasn't been affected at all? I can't just switch off the feelings, if only I could but I can't, it's a process. It takes time and hard work but I'm doing it so give me a break!

I can hardly remember this past year, it's like trying to remember a dream. It's only now that I am starting to deal with all that I've been through from what happened to reporting it to the DPP's decision. All these huge moments in my life that I have yet to completely process and am only starting to get the strength now through therapy to do it.

Day Four

Well my fourth day back at work is over and work is going ok, I'm managing and coping well I think. I'm finding in the evenings that I'm getting that old ball of stress in my chest. I need to find a way of working through it so that I can function properly. I can't keep coming home with this. Another reason for it is probably that I didn't have counselling last week. I find that if I don't have a session every week then I start feeling very anxious and a little overwhelmed going into the second week. My next session is Thursday and I wish it was now!

I'm going to take up a class in Tai Chi to try and help with the stress I heard that's supposed to be good. It's not one thing that's making me feel this way it's everything and I don't want things to start piling up again.I wish I had a stress valve that you could just open up and let the pressure out when it starts getting to much. Might be tough to go to sleep tonight. Oh well that's life.

Round 336 to me!

I've titled this post 'Round 336 to me' just for the laugh really! I feel like I'm in a boxing match but I'm winning! I went back to work today after being off for 3 months and it actually went well.

I was apprehensive about what people would say knowing that I'd be the talk of the week from the usual gossips.
But I went and I did it and it felt great and I felt in charge and empowered and looking forward to getting back into the swing of it. What a relief!  Phew!! I didn't buckle!


Now if I could just get some sleep that would be great!! Round 336 to me anyway! Yay!

Back to work tomorrow!

Three months ago I finally had to admit that I wasn't coping and took three months leave from work to get my head together a bit. Tomorrow I go back! I am nervous yet excited at the same time. I have come really far with therapy and have built up a bit of strength particularly in the last month. I think my therapist might be a bit of a miracle worker or something. She is really good at her job!

I have had some concerns raised from my family in the last couple of days in relation to my progress. Unfortunately I think they believe I should be further along than I am. I know it's coming from a loving place but the timing of it and the way it was approached was really bad. To bring it up the day before I'm due to return to work was tough and to hear them say that they thought I should be further along than I am hurts a lot and really minimizes how far I have come so far. It would also be nice if they could just stop for a second and say to themselves - we have not been through what she has been through and we aren't therapists so who are we to say. I personally feel that I have come a long way and am proud of the progress I am making.

Anyways, back to work tomorrow, aaaah! I'm nervous but I know I can do it!

Speaking Out

For a long time now as I go through this long difficult battle of healing from my rape I have thought about speaking out publicly about my rape. It's something that I feel strongly about and want to do in the right forum and for the right reasons. The reasons I would like to do this is firstly for me, the DPP decided not to prosecute my rape and therefore there is no road to justice for me. Speaking out will be my way of sticking my fingers up at my rapist and saying f*** you, you did this to me but I survived, I am surviving. Part of me would like him and  his family to see it so they would have some idea of what it has done to me. The other reason I would like to speak out is because I would hope that it would help other victims of sexual assault. I feel let down by my justice system and I feel that as a society people need to understand just how devastating this crime is, until more awareness is raised then this devastating crime will not be treated properly.

It's a sad fact that society tend to blame the victim, maybe this is the reason why it's so hard to get a case to go to trial in Ireland, because it's so hard to get a conviction. I don't know but from what I've researched it certainly feels that way to me.

The only way that I can see to combat this is for victims of rape to speak out and tell their stories. Maybe this way society will get more of an insight in to what the reality of a rape victim life really is. It's not pretty, it's not nice to hear but try going through it!

The more I think about it the more I feel that it's important for me to speak out, to publicly say, this was what happened to me, this is what I have experienced and this is how it's affected my life. I also think, well why shouldn't I, after all, it's his shame not mine.

So...as a rape victim in Ireland, how do I share my story publicly and get people to listen??? I haven't a clue!

11 Months since it happened

It's now 11 months since it happened. This is the last big one before we hit the year mark. I can barely remember the last 11 months. It all feels like some really long nightmare. I wish it was. I found out that my rapist is living the life, well for some. It makes me so mad. I can't believe it's almost a year. I've been off work for the last 3 months. I start back on Wednesday, I am petrified. What if I go back and I find I still can't cope with it. It's not like I can take another 3 months off. It will be the end of the road. I have a lot to prove to myself and those I work with. It's a lot of pressure, another battle. Maybe if I just lie down it will all go away.